I'm splitting this post into three parts as there are so many different things that I have not appreciated hearing from people during this agonizing, stressful, and drawn out process of trying to have a baby with the uncomforting and confusing diagnosis of unexplained infertility.
I've put brief observations on how each comment has impacted me, but many, if not most should be (but aren't always) self-evident. The thing about infertility is that it's a hyper-emotional topic that makes people irrational (not just the people experiencing infertility, but those around them as well). I wish that a lot of these things had never been said to me or to my husband and me, but I hope that by putting them out there, I can help other people to know that they're not alone in having experienced this kind of insensitivity. I also hope to help others who know someone with infertility to not be so insensitive towards them. But this is not an exhaustive list. I've read some even worse comments, made to people suffering from infertility, on the internet.
Insensitive Invasions of Privacy/ Judgement Statements:
1. When ARE you going to have children?
This is often shouted out in restaurants, at family reunions, etc. without the slightest thought as to whether or not the person being asked the question might actually be trying to having children, but either can't and won't ever be able to (they have a diagnosed condition), or hasn't been able to so far (perhaps they have unexplained infertility or a condition that means that might be able to have children, but maybe not). The person being asked the question might be devastated, depressed, anxious, and feeling very insecure, but their feelings are rarely thought of as old Aunt So And So barges on and loudly makes the person feel as if they are a freak and a failure for not having children after having been married for eight years (in my case). I have to wonder if this is one of the reasons why my husband and I have become increasingly reclusive over the past many years. Who wants to be publicly shamed and berated for a medical condition that no one can explain and that we can't help and don't know if we'll ever resolve? Plus, everyone should know, I'm not a psychic, so how would I ever be able to answer a question like this?
2. Why don't you have ANY children yet?
As above, this rarely takes into account the feelings of the person being asked. Some people may not want to have children, but if the person wants to have children and hasn't been able to, or may never be able to, they are likely feeling sensitive, devastated, anxious, and depressed about this very personal topic. They don't need to be made to feel any worse than they already do. And it's none of your business. If they wanted you to know about their future plans for children (or not having children) they would have told you.
3. What are you going to do with your life if you don't have children?
Yes, because there is no life without children to a lot of people. If you've always thought about having children then you find out that you can't have them, might not be able to, or won't be able to without enormous physical, financial, and emotional strain and sacrifice, it is extremely frightening. It's a game changer and it's overwhelming enough going through it to not have to contemplate the future (possibly child free) when you're out to lunch with family or friends or even at home over a cup of tea. No one knows what they're going to do if they suddenly can't fulfill one of their only large life's goals. And don't act horrified if the person throws back a flippant or scary answer like, "I'm going to start a kitten plantation," or "I'm going to move away and never live here again," because you deserve that answer for having stressed the person out more with your hypothetical questions. People with infertility don't need more "what ifs" in their lives.
Unhelpful Statements or Restatements of Fact:
4. You're ONLY 36 years old.
Yeah, I out of anyone should know how old I am. And I've also been shown the fertility charts (with the cliff at age 35 where fertility drops off into the abyss and miscarriage rates rise exponentially) by the reproductive endocrinologist and being a former lawyer have researched the topic online thoroughly. I know how unlikely it is that I'll get pregnant every month (especially now that I've been trying this long without success) and how likely it is that I'll have a miscarriage because of my age (I already suffered from one this year in June). 36 might seem young when people are living to be 100 years old, but for fertility it is not. No matter what we've figured out as a society, the fountain of youth continues to evade us. Being reminded of my age is not helpful at all and only makes me even more anxious and feel even more hopeless that I'll ever have one child, let alone two as I had always planned.
5. Well, it only takes one (as in one sperm penetrating one egg to make a baby- even our GP has said this)!
Yeah, and clearly our sperm and eggs can't figure out how to mix in and get along together and that's why we still don't have any children. We've tried for years and years and years on our own. We clearly need help. We don't need a restatement of how babies are made, because clearly we can't make them on our own (except for that one pregnancy that we had on the eve of me being scheduled for the first round of IVF, which I miscarried at six weeks in June of this year).
6. Well, I don't know where you get it from. I've never heard of anyone in the family having trouble having children. I mean I'm one of x number of children, your father is one of x number of children, my grandmother had 1,000 children . . .
While it might be helpful to know family history regarding infertility, it's also devastating to feel like you're the only one. And it's misleading. People still don't talk about infertility and we certainly don't have correct figures on how many people suffer from it (and especially not how many people suffered from it in the past). Why didn't aunt so and so have children? Oh, she just didn't want to. Really? Or did she have a condition that we just don't know about? A brief family history is fine, but dwelling and repeating over and over again that no one else has EVER had a fertility problem in the family is just depressing and unhelpful.
7. IVF only costs like $10,000 or $15,000 a shot and raising a child costs way more than that, so really it's cheap by comparison.
Yeah, this is technically accurate. What is not considered here, is that very few people in our society have to pay this premium to start a family and it puts them that much farther behind their peers. What could you use that $15,000 (or $30,000 or $50,000, etc. if you have several cycles of IVF) on instead? A down payment for a house? A nice trip before a child is born? A Registered Educational Savings Plan contribution for the child's future university education? Stuff that you need to buy for a baby including car seats, stroller, crib, diapers, etc.? A yellow diamond? Whatever. Just because the person can pay it or it's much less than the figures quoted for the lifetime costs of a child, doesn't mean it's helpful to say this. I just feel anxious, angry, and resentful when people act like I should just gladly pay this sum. Obviously, I think this sum is worthwhile or I wouldn't be going through this horrific IVF process, but it's not fair. But then again, as I have been learning my whole life, life isn't fair.
8. Wow, you've been trying that long (yeah and I've been talking about it the whole time too. I guess you just didn't bother listening until now)?!
This has been one of the most baffling comments I've received. My husband and I have been open with close friends and family members (and then when I started this blog half a year ago, with the whole world) about our struggles to conceive. I started on prenatal vitamins and treatments with a naturopath and my doctors six years ago to try to get my thyroid under control for getting pregnant, etc (I suffer from hypothyroidism). Then after the thyroid struggle was waning (after my second endocrinologist finally stabilized my thyroid levels), I had to struggle to stabilize my anxiety and bipolar disorder that I had just been diagnosed with and make sure that the medications that I was on were okay for pregnancy (this involved therapy, counselling, experimenting with different medications, and seeing a perinatal psychiatrist to make sure the medication that I ended up on, lithium carbonate, was safe for pregnancy). Then we just couldn't get pregnant. Then we saw even more doctors, therapists, and naturopaths, etc. It has been an incredibility frustrating, heartbreaking, and bewildering battle that has cost tens of thousands of dollars (naturopath visits, acupuncture, IVF, tons of specialized vitamins and medications, etc.) so far and all we have to show for it is a miscarriage that I had in June of this year. Yet, people who should be close to us have expressed surprise that we've been trying for years to get pregnant or have been having trouble getting pregnant. I guess they just weren't listening when we were talking about our struggles with infertility. It is definitely an uncomfortable topic that a lot of people still don't want to discuss, but it's been a wake-up call to us that some people who we thought were close to us actually aren't that close to us.
Pseudoscience/Voodoo:
9. I don't think you should go to a fertility specialist/ undergo fertility treatments (insert superstitious and ill informed fear mongering comments here).
This has been one of the most frustrating types of comments that we've received. We didn't want to go to an reproductive endocrinologist and admit defeat, but we eventually decided to (and we wish that we had been referred to one sooner, so that we hadn't lost more precious time and fertility with our increasing ages). Our decision was not met by the support from family and friends that we thought that it would be. Some people were openly hostile to the idea. Why would we go to a doctor? Why not just relax, rest, go on a trip, don't worry so much, etc. Naturally, lots of people fear doctors and science even in this modern age, but when someone has decided (bravely) to seek help with such a heartbreaking and stressful problem, you could at least support them. They are already scared, they don't need your fears and misgivings too. It's not like we announced that we were going to a witch doctor and would be sacrificing chickens at each new moon for a year because that would create a super fetus that I would bear in the new year. Further, what if there is an underling and serious condition causing the infertility like ovarian or uterine cancer? People should not be made to feel bad for seeking medical advice.
10. I don't think that you should follow the doctor's/ naturopath's advice, I "feel" like it's wrong/ will produce more stress for you/ won't help you get pregnant/ they don't know what they're talking about.
As above, we've dealt with these comments too. For some reason, laymen often feel like they have some special medical knowledge and edge that they don't. Don't undermine someone's treatment. Unless you hear that your loved one has been told to sacrifice kittens at midnight for fertility, the treatments are probably grounded in science (or in the case of a naturopath, hopefully some sort of experience). The person suffering infertility doesn't need to feel even more uncertain and worried than they already feel. They've been brave to decide that they need help and then have taken the step of seeking help, don't derail them.
11. Do yoga and you'll get pregnant/ everyone who does yoga gets pregnant.
This was particularly irritating. First of all, there's no science behind this statement. The only possible explanation might be that people who are experiencing less stress might be able to conceive more easily and perhaps some people find yoga relaxing. But this assumes that they are even able to conceive in the first place. When someone has unexplained infertility, it's not apparent to anyone, not even the doctor, why they can't get pregnant or how to help them other than by extreme measures like IVF. Yoga is not IVF. Don't lecture about things you don't understand about and make people feel bad for not doing yoga when they are instead seeking sound medical advice that is actually LIKELY to aid in resolving their infertility.
12. You probably have a hidden gluten allergy (even though your blood tests show that you don't have Celiac disease) and that's why you're not getting pregnant.
This is courtesy of a naturopath. It's not grounded in science (unless you actually have celiac disease- that's different- but I don't have that). Doctors don't agree with this gluten sensitivity B.S.. Quit making me feel bad for having a slice of bread with my homemade chicken, vegetable, and brown rice soup, you bitch.
13. You should get acupuncture, then you'll get pregnant. I saw an article about it somewhere.
Yes, there's lots of variations of this statement out there. When someone is already paying thousands of dollars a year for added medical care not included in our great medical system, medications, vitamins, treatments, and things like a naturopath, the last thing they want to hear is that they SHOULD be doing something else and if they DON'T they WON'T get pregnant and haven't done all that they could have to try to get pregnant. This just makes the person second guess themselves. There are a variety of articles out there about acupuncture and pregnancy. It does seem to work for some people, especially with certain conditions, but it doesn't for others. Other articles haven't concluded that there's any benefit. And in any event just because you read a newspaper article, you're not an expert in fertility, unexplained infertility, acupuncture, scientific testing, or anything, so don't lecture someone who is already devastated, overwhelmed, and upset by their infertility about what treatments they SHOULD be getting.
14. Forget the doctors, go see a naturopath, they'll find a way to get you pregnant.
The rise in pseudoscience has been a disturbing trend in the past several years. Yes, there are good things we can learn from non-doctors like naturopaths. My husband and I have learnt some really good nutritional strategies and things about vitamins, but at the same time, there's only so much that a naturopath can do with many medical conditions including infertility. We tried the naturopath route two different times before going to a reproductive endocrinologist and we wish that we hadn't wasted this time and had just gone straight to the reproductive endocrinologist. Freshly ground turmeric root is not going to get you pregnant if you have unexplained infertility (well, at least it didn't for us). There's no problem having a naturopath support the process, but sometimes you're just going to have to call in the big guns. A naturopath cannot do IVF and that is what you might end up needing if you want to have a baby. Don't let trendiness guilt you into ignoring science and seeking medical care from doctors and specialists in infertility.
15. You should be taking all of the vitamins that could possibly have any potential to influence fertility and if you don't you're not doing everything that you can to try to get pregnant.
Another guilt trip. This is often used by naturopaths who sell vitamins out of their offices (an obvious conflict). But it is used by doctors too (often because with conditions like unexplained infertility, the doctor doesn't even know why you can't get pregnant or what might change this). Concerned family and friends to a lesser degree may use this line, quoting some article they read somewhere. We have spent thousands of dollars a year on vitamins for the past six years trying to get pregnant and to boost our health for pregnancy and it hasn't worked. Sometimes nothing will work. And making people feel worse for their present predicament is just cruel and unhelpful.
16. Put your feet up/ do yoga positions after sex and you'll be sure to get pregnant.
There's even videos on YouTube about yoga positions you can do after sex to maximize your chances of getting pregnant. I did this for years and years and years. It was inconvenient, time consuming, annoying, uncomfortable, and it didn't work. Maybe it works for some people, but it definitely doesn't for others, so don't make it sound like a certainty if you're going to promote it. In any event, scientific evidence on this one seems to be lacking.
17. Take your basal body temperature every day or you won't ever know when you're ovulating- that's why you're not getting pregnant.
Courtesy of a naturopath who couldn't believe that a pack of ovulation sticks might not have been able to detect my ovulation (my urine is always dilute due to drinking a lot of fluids because of taking lithium carbonate and always being thirsty). She thought that I just might not be ovulating (even though an ultrasound had shown that I had just ovulated the previous month- yeah what would an ultrasound know). I have been tracking my basal body temperature for about nine months now. I resisted at first, because it seemed like a lot of work and it never worked for my mother, but I finally caved in the hopes that it might get me pregnant without having to go to extreme measures like IVF. Guess what, my mother was right, tracking my basal body temperature hasn't worked for me either.
I will continue the list tomorrow with Part 2.
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