23 Weeks Pregnant: Daily Walks, My Husband Away During the Week, A Forced Visit to the Naturopath, Planning a "Babymoon," Ruminations, Worries About the Future, and Was That It Moving or Am I Having Weird Indigestion?

Current mood . . .

I honestly never thought I'd make it this far into the pregnancy. After years and years and years of trying to get pregnant, having a miscarriage, and then being told the mournful statistics of how unlikely it was for me to have  a live birth from each round of IVF at my age by my reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Hudson (28% chance of a live birth at my age), I just kind of assumed I'd have to try several rounds of IVF or that I'd get pregnant and miscarry again or that I'd just never be pregnant again. Being already pessimistic, going to law school, practising law for years, and then having years of bad luck really did a number of me. But here I am, 23 weeks pregnant today from a single round of IVF at the Victoria Fertility Centre.

This week, I have been experiencing continuing ups and downs with sleep (including nightmares, trouble getting comfortable, having to go pee really often through the night, and sometimes waking from panic attacks). My ears keep plugging and unplugging. This seems to be an extension of my congested sinuses that couldn't be connected to those two colds anymore and must in fact be from all the increased blood flow that I'm experiencing because of pregnancy (congested sinuses and ears are common in the second and third trimester). My hands seem to be more swollen than they were and I'm wondering how long it will be before I have to take off my wedding ring and engagement ring. My shape is changing steadily with each passing week too. I've had a bit of eczema acting up this week (some women get eczema acting up, while others notice an improvement during pregnancy).

On the advice of my perinatal psychiatrist, who told me that I need to get out of my head and house more and walk every day, I have been walking every day (except for over last weekend when my husband was at home and I wanted to spend every precious moment with him before he left again for the week, plus I was exhausted). I must say that while it's been nerve racking leaving the house, on some days more so than others, it has felt good once I am out of the house. While I started with a few kilometers per walk, I went up almost immediately to 6.5 km most days and even did 9 km on Wednesday (but that was overdoing it, as I was even more sore and was so exhausted the next day that I could only walk a couple of kilometers).  My hips and legs have been sorer than they would usually be going for long and brisk walks (and it's hard to be as brisk as I used to be between hauling around extra weight and gasping for air while being pregnant), however, it seems to make me less uncomfortable at night in bed when I go for a walk that day.

With views like this a walk seems like a reward on a sunny day.

Another benefit to the regular walks is that I have been sleeping much better on days when I go on long walks than on days when I don't walk or go or a short walk (like last night when I slept just 4 hours). The beauty of the walks I can go on near to my house is breathtaking (and that's not just the breathlessness of pregnancy). I have been watching early spring come to Victoria, including spotting the first cherry blossoms in my area two days ago. I don't mind it when it rains much and I've been lucky lately (especially considering that I have no raincoat that fits). I would say that the daily "exposures" to my anxiety over leaving the house (exposure therapy is used to treat panic disorder and anxiety by forcing a patient to do exposures where they face their fears by doing what they're afraid of repeatedly until it becomes less scary and then hopefully not scary at all- this is one of the most effective treatments for panic disorder and one that I had do extensively a few years ago when I was first diagnosed with panic disorder) have been beneficial in more than one way (sleep, less restless uncomfortable feelings at night, a mood boost, and lower anxiety). I have also had a friend come on a couple of walks and having someone to talk to other than the cat has been a treat (since my husband is away all week for work).

There's a herd of deer that spends the spring and summer in the Ross Bay Cemetery.

They make themselves at home.

The first cherry blossoms that I spotted this year.

I would say that even having my husband away all week, every week, has been easier to deal with since I've been walking daily. My psychiatrist is right that getting out of my place and seeing something other than this place has been good for me. A man even stopped to tell me a joke in the graveyard when I was wandering through there the other day alone and this gave me a laugh and a brief fleeting moment of social interaction when I otherwise would have had none.

I've been craving fruit like crazy.

My husband made me delicious blueberry pancakes last weekend before he left again.

I received a message over the weekend from my old naturopath (the one that my husband and I went to for months and months and received supplements and acupuncture from in the hopes of avoiding IVF and conceiving "naturally," only to find that we had to get IVF after all). She said that in order to keep selling me the prenatal vitamins that I buy from her (and sometimes probiotics too), she would have to see me for a follow up visit, since it had been almost a year and "the college" requires naturopaths to do this (all I could think was what?! They require an annual visit to dispense multivitamins and yet they let all this other crazy stuff that we read about in the newspaper happen with naturopaths? Shouldn't they focus on making sure naturopaths advise people, including parents of seriously sick children to get medical advice when they need it, instead of giving them herbs or whatever and in some cases having tragic things occur?!). But I digress. Since I like the prenatal vitamins that she has there (they have real folate instead of folic acid and some people may have difficulty converting folic acid into folate and since she got me scared about this a year and a bit ago, I've only taken folate to be on the safe side- I can't help the risk aversion being a recovering lawyer), I scheduled a visit.

Having to go for an unnecessary visit made me grouchy.

I was told that my visit to the naturopath could be quick, but of course it ended up being not quick. I was there 45 minutes updating her on what medications I'm taking (still all the same) and how the pregnancy is going (normal, maternity doctor has no concerns at all). While she does have some interesting nutritional suggestions (she really got my husband and me onto turmeric last year), some things really annoy me. One example was when I told her that I had managed to get a few okay sleeps with daily walking and she said in that smug manner that all people who have had children before seem to use "well enjoy it while you can because you won't be resting for the next few years." (chuckle, chuckle). No, it's not funny, especially when you suffer from bipolar disorder and a series of bad sleeps can trigger an episode. I don't need to be any more terrified of being a parent than I already am. Anyone expecting a child, unless they are the calmest person in the world or delusional, is terrified about the future, they don't need your sanctimonious and smug laughter and stories to scare them more. It's not helpful, just leave out comments like that. Everyone knows that new parents don't sleep well. Sorry you didn't get a gold medal for your sleep deprivation, but there's no need to boast about it to me because I'm not going to give you an award either.

Another example of an annoying thing in my appointment with the naturopath was when she started in on breastfeeding counselling. I told her that because I'm on lithium carbonate for bipolar disorder (which she had just confirmed that I was still taking), unfortunately I will only be allowed to breastfeed for a couple of weeks to give the baby the colostrum and then I will have to feed the baby formula. She initially seemed to protest, until I reminded her that lithium carbonate can be toxic and that when we can't test the levels in an individual they are dangerous. Despite this, she prattled on and on about strategies for breastfeeding and co-sleeping. As if I don't feel bad enough that I won't be able to breastfeed my child when everyone in my family has harped on and on about it my whole life. I already feel like a failure (even though according to research, I shouldn't feel a failure, and this is more common of an issue than people talk about due to the militant breastfeeding shaming in our society that currently occurs).

She took my blood pressure and pulse and confirmed what my doctor always says that I do NOT have high blood pressure and that I seem perfectly healthy.

Quit prodding at me and give me my prenatal vitamins.

At the conclusion of the appointment, which I was trying to rush along, as I had really had enough, she gave me a packet of various articles on pregnancy and a recipe for an easy cereal to make ahead of time for eating while I'm trying to feed the baby in the morning and beseeched me to come back in my third trimester. She also tried more than once to tell me that I should have a doula present with me when I deliver despite the fact that I have a doctor and I'll be delivering in a hospital (years of law school and practising personal injury and medical malpractice ensured that I would choose this route for childbirth). The whole interview was kind of annoying, but at least it's over with and I have some articles to read and a couple of recipes I could try if I needed to. I'm not opposed to approaching health and pregnancy in as well rounded a way as possible, I just don't like it when I'm made to feel guilty for having an incurable mental disorder which requires me to be on a particular medication for life and that medication makes me unable to breastfeed. What am I supposed to do? Go off of my lithium and then destablize, get hospitalized in the psychiatric ward again (this time pregnant), and spend the remainder of my pregnancy there and get put back on psychotropic drugs, or worse yet, wander off, do harm to myself, and then have an even worse tragedy occur? No thanks, I'll stay on my prescribed psychotropic drug that is effective for treating my potentially lethal mental disorder and I will follow my specialist's advice. Yes, it's too bad I can't breastfeed, but that's life, and I might not have a life if I didn't take lithium carbonate (bipolar disorder has the highest suicide rate of any mental disorder).

I spent a good part of this week making lists for our trip, finalizing accommodations (quite difficult on some of the more remote islands in French Polynesia and requiring me to start polishing up my rusty French), communicating with various travel insurance providers over specifics of their travel insurance policies as related to pregnancy, and starting to make piles of stuff to bring (and trying on bathing suits- nope those won't work, I'll have to go shopping). I'm anxious to go on vacation while I'm pregnant, but I'm also excited. I think the time away and intensive time with my husband will be very good for me. I can't believe we're going back to French Polynesia, where we had our honeymoon nine years ago, to have our last vacation before the baby comes. Read more about the vacation (or "babymoon" as some people call it) on our travel blog, Two Restless Wanderers.

As beautiful as spring in Victoria is, I'm looking forward to French Polynesia.

I will miss him though.

But being in French Polynesia again will make up for missing my kitty.

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night. I couldn't get comfortable despite all the pillows (including the rip off defective maternity pillow from eBay that the crook seller refused to refund) and only sharing the bed with the cat (who takes up roughly 1/3 to 1/2 of the king size bed). I had a bit more caffeine than usual yesterday and a bit later than usual, so maybe that contributed, but I couldn't stop worrying about things that could go wrong on the trip, where we're going to live when we have the baby or what if we still have to keep living here, and thinking about my family. I don't think the pregnancy book that I was reading before bed helped, it was going on about preparing the baby's room in the part I was reading last night, letting your partner paint it, etc. The book also irritatingly keeps talking about how you should not be surprised when your mother is obsessed with your pregnancy and keeps talking to you about it, giving you suggestions, and talking about when she was pregnant with you or when you were a baby.

What if no one in your family talks to you or takes any interest in your pregnancy? What if your mother is dead, is a alcoholic or drug addict, is incapacitated by a mental disorder, or is generally absent from your life? Why do almost all the pregnancy books I've read keep going on and on and on and on about how your family will react and all saying the same thing? Not everyone comes from a functional family or a family at least that will take any interest in a pregnancy. Some of us either don't have one or more parents, have parents who are addicted to alcohol or drugs, have mental disorders, and/or can't or won't be actively involved in their pregnancy.

What the books are saying makes me feel even more alone, even though I know I'm not alone. Rates of drug and alcohol abuse in the world are extremely high (and this is with them being underreported) and mental disorders impact many families (and underdiagnosis means that more people are impacted by them than official numbers would indicate). Plus some families are just assholes. Not everyone is going to have someone asking them about their latest ultrasound (or any of them), wanting to know what the sex of the child is, giving helpful suggestions or commiserations over what's like to be pregnant and afraid of the future, or helping to pick out things for the nursery (if you happen to have one). Some of us will not have their family talking to them or wanting to know anything about the pregnancy or the future grandchild, nephew, or niece (or even wanting to know which it is) or even if the fetus is still alive or if you're still alive.

I lay awake thinking about how if I were to find a place to move to, unless I wrote about it on this blog, and someone in family happened to read this blog, they would not even know that I had moved. I thought about what it will be like having a child and my family not even knowing that I've had the child, what the child is, what the child's name is, what the child looks like, what it will be like not having any help at all. But my psychiatrist says that I can't allow myself to stay in the pattern I've been in with my family. I must set boundaries and keep away from abusive and unhealthy behaviours by them for my sanity and for the good of my future child. I can't allow myself to have family members hurling abuses at me (sometimes when drunk, sometimes when sober), then denying that they said these things (whether because of a blackout from alcohol, forgetfulness, or pride) or justifying why they said these monstrous things to me, never apologizing for hurting me, acting in an okay manner for a while, and then exploding again shaking my soul to its core and causing me further anxiety and depression.

This pattern that has been with me my whole life with my family cannot continue now that I have a dependent creature to think of that's not feline. It's excruciating to not have my family involved at all, but I can't risk the child being exposed to what I was (not that my family wants to be involved at present). My psychiatrist was unequivocal that unless things were to change drastically that I should not expose my child to my family and the chaos that surrounds it. I must think of what is best for the child even if it feels painful. I wish that people would stop saying how great it is that I live in the same town as my parents and sibling when it's really not and they have no idea what it's really like for me. Quit assuming everyone, it's making an ass out of u and me.

So, to the writers and editors of these lacklustre pregnancy books that I've been reading, not everyone is in the same boat and you shouldn't make it seem like they are. It hurts worse to hear about perfect, functional families when you are pregnant and hormonal than it would when you're not (even though it does then too). It wouldn't take much to add a couple of sentences to these books about how you can turn to a close or trusted friend(s) or to your in laws or even to just your partner if your family is not supportive (in my experience, people will come out of the woodwork or step up in ways you never imagined before and while it may not be the same as having your family involved in the pregnancy, it's your reality, it's different, but it's okay). Or perhaps just state that not everyone will experience support from their family, but that they will find a way to get through it. But all of these books are written in such a simplistic and summary manner, I doubt that they will ever add something as complex as this. It's out of their depth (especially since some of these books seem to spend inordinate amounts of time on frittering things like being bored of your limited wardrobe in pregnancy, being afraid of how your appearance has changed, and how to decorate a nursery- come on!).

I was feeling kind of worried at the end of last week, after having seen my doctor about the hemorrhoid (it's getting much better with the epsom salts baths and Proctol ointment and witch hazel by the way) and him asking me if I was feeling the thing move inside me. I hadn't really been feeling it move, or at least not what I could recognize as movement. I had in the past a bit (I think), but then I didn't for about a week. Last Friday night, I felt some twitching again. I felt more movement many of the days this week. The thing seems to like it when I'm in the bath and sometimes when I'm in bed.  It feels stronger than it did before, so I think it's not indigestion, gas, or a muscle twitch in my abdomen, it must be the thing! It's so strange. This morning when I was trying to fall asleep, I felt like I had a tiny eel thrashing around in my abdomen. My husband has tried putting his hands on my abdomen when I've told him I feel something strange (when he's around on the weekend), but he can't feel anything yet of course, it's too faint.

It must be really hard for the partner of a pregnant person to not be able to feel for quite a while what their pregnant partner is feeling. My husband is much more liberal with talking to my abdomen and stuff though than I am, so he is bonding in his own way. I still feel pretty scared to get attached in case it doesn't work out, but with each passing week, I have felt my fear falling away a little. I suppose it will just take time. And maybe seeing it in the flesh in about 17 weeks will be believing.

23 weeks pregnant.

What NOT to say to someone suffering from Infertility or Someone Without Children (You Never Know, They May Be Suffering from Fertility Problems) Part 1

And while we wait for me to take the pregnancy test next Monday (October 17th) to determine if our embryo implanted after the embryo transfer on October 5th, I include a list of unhelpful advice, platitudes, statements and restatements of fact, strange pseudoscience, and psychobabble, etc. that people suffering from infertility (or people without children who might be suffering from infertility) don't want to hear. These are all things that have been said to me when I'm alone or to my husband and me when we're together. I have put them into categories for ease of reference. Many items may fit under more than one category, but have only been placed under one.

I'm splitting this post into three parts as there are so many different things that I have not appreciated hearing from people during this agonizing, stressful, and drawn out process of trying to have a baby with the uncomforting and confusing diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I've put brief observations on how each comment has impacted me, but many, if not most should be (but aren't always) self-evident. The thing about infertility is that it's a hyper-emotional topic that makes people irrational (not just the people experiencing infertility, but those around them as well). I wish that a lot of these things had never been said to me or to my husband and me, but I hope that by putting them out there, I can help other people to know that they're not alone in having experienced this kind of insensitivity. I also hope to help others who know someone with infertility to not be so insensitive towards them. But this is not an exhaustive list. I've read some even worse comments, made to people suffering from infertility, on the internet.


Insensitive Invasions of Privacy/ Judgement Statements:

1. When ARE you going to have children?
This is often shouted out in restaurants, at family reunions, etc. without the slightest thought as to whether or not the person being asked the question might actually be trying to having children, but either can't and won't ever be able to (they have a diagnosed condition), or hasn't been able to so far (perhaps they have unexplained infertility or a condition that means that might be able to have children, but maybe not). The person being asked the question might be devastated, depressed, anxious, and feeling very insecure, but their feelings are rarely thought of as old Aunt So And So barges on and loudly makes the person feel as if they are a freak and a failure for not having children after having been married for eight years (in my case). I have to wonder if this is one of the reasons why my husband and I have become increasingly reclusive over the past many years. Who wants to be publicly shamed and berated for a medical condition that no one can explain and that we can't help and don't know if we'll ever resolve? Plus, everyone should know, I'm not a psychic, so how would I ever be able to answer a question like this?

2. Why don't you have ANY children yet?
As above, this rarely takes into account the feelings of the person being asked. Some people may not want to have children, but if the person wants to have children and hasn't been able to, or may never be able to, they are likely feeling sensitive, devastated, anxious, and depressed about this very personal topic. They don't need to be made to feel any worse than they already do. And it's none of your business. If they wanted you to know about their future plans for children (or not having children) they would have told you.

3. What are you going to do with your life if you don't have children?
Yes, because there is no life without children to a lot of people. If you've always thought about having children then you find out that you can't have them, might not be able to, or won't be able to without enormous physical, financial, and emotional strain and sacrifice, it is extremely frightening. It's a game changer and it's overwhelming enough going through it to not have to contemplate the future (possibly child free) when you're out to lunch with family or friends or even at home over a cup of tea. No one knows what they're going to do if they suddenly can't fulfill one of their only large life's goals. And don't act horrified if the person throws back a flippant or scary answer like, "I'm going to start a kitten plantation," or "I'm going to move away and never live here again," because you deserve that answer for having stressed the person out more with your hypothetical questions. People with infertility don't need more "what ifs" in their lives.


Unhelpful Statements or Restatements of Fact:

4. You're ONLY 36 years old.
Yeah, I out of anyone should know how old I am. And I've also been shown the fertility charts (with the cliff at age 35 where fertility drops off into the abyss and miscarriage rates rise exponentially) by the reproductive endocrinologist and being a former lawyer have researched the topic online thoroughly. I know how unlikely it is that I'll get pregnant every month (especially now that I've been trying this long without success) and how likely it is that I'll have a miscarriage because of my age (I already suffered from one this year in June). 36 might seem young when people are living to be 100 years old, but for fertility it is not. No matter what we've figured out as a society, the fountain of youth continues to evade us. Being reminded of my age is not helpful at all and only makes me even more anxious and feel even more hopeless that I'll ever have one child, let alone two as I had always planned.

5. Well, it only takes one (as in one sperm penetrating one egg to make a baby- even our GP has said this)!
Yeah, and clearly our sperm and eggs can't figure out how to mix in and get along together and that's why we still don't have any children. We've tried for years and years and years on our own. We clearly need help. We don't need a restatement of how babies are made, because clearly we can't make them on our own (except for that one pregnancy that we had on the eve of me being scheduled for the first round of IVF, which I miscarried at six weeks in June of this year).

6. Well, I don't know where you get it from. I've never heard of anyone in the family having trouble having children. I mean I'm one of x number of children, your father is one of x number of children, my grandmother had 1,000 children . . .
While it might be helpful to know family history regarding infertility, it's also devastating to feel like you're the only one. And it's misleading. People still don't talk about infertility and we certainly don't have correct figures on how many  people suffer from it (and especially not how many people suffered from it in the past). Why didn't aunt so and so have children? Oh, she just didn't want to. Really? Or did she have a condition that we just don't know about? A brief family history is fine, but dwelling and repeating over and over again that no one else has EVER had a fertility problem in the family is just depressing and unhelpful.

7. IVF only costs like $10,000 or $15,000 a shot and raising a child costs way more than that, so really it's cheap by comparison.
Yeah, this is technically accurate. What is not considered here, is that very few people in our society have to pay this premium to start a family and it puts them that much farther behind their peers. What could you use that $15,000 (or $30,000 or $50,000, etc. if you have several cycles of IVF) on instead? A down payment for a house? A nice trip before a child is born? A Registered Educational Savings Plan contribution for the child's future university education? Stuff that you need to buy for a baby including car seats, stroller, crib, diapers, etc.? A yellow diamond? Whatever. Just because the person can pay it or it's much less than the figures quoted for the lifetime costs of a child, doesn't mean it's helpful to say this. I just feel anxious, angry, and resentful when people act like I should just gladly pay this sum. Obviously, I think this sum is worthwhile or I wouldn't be going through this horrific IVF process, but it's not fair. But then again, as I have been learning my whole life, life isn't fair.

8. Wow, you've been trying that long (yeah and I've been talking about it the whole time too. I guess you just didn't bother listening until now)?!
This has been one of the most baffling comments I've received. My husband and I have been open with close friends and family members (and then when I started this blog half a year ago, with the whole world) about our struggles to conceive. I started on prenatal vitamins and treatments with a naturopath and my doctors six years ago to try to get my thyroid under control for getting pregnant, etc (I suffer from hypothyroidism). Then after the thyroid struggle was waning (after my second endocrinologist finally stabilized my thyroid levels), I had to struggle to stabilize my anxiety and bipolar disorder that I had just been diagnosed with and make sure that the medications that I was on were okay for pregnancy (this involved therapy, counselling, experimenting with different medications, and seeing a perinatal psychiatrist to make sure the medication that I ended up on, lithium carbonate, was safe for pregnancy). Then we just couldn't get pregnant. Then we saw even more doctors, therapists, and naturopaths, etc. It has been an incredibility frustrating, heartbreaking, and bewildering battle that has cost tens of thousands of dollars (naturopath visits, acupuncture, IVF, tons of specialized vitamins and medications, etc.) so far and all we have to show for it is a miscarriage that I had in June of this year. Yet, people who should be close to us have expressed surprise that we've been trying for years to get pregnant or have been having trouble getting pregnant. I guess they just weren't listening when we were talking about our struggles with infertility. It is definitely an uncomfortable topic that a lot of people still don't want to discuss, but it's been a wake-up call to us that some people who we thought were close to us actually aren't that close to us.

Pseudoscience/Voodoo:

9. I don't think you should go to a fertility specialist/ undergo fertility treatments (insert superstitious and ill informed fear mongering comments here).
This has been one of the most frustrating types of comments that we've received. We didn't want to go to an reproductive endocrinologist and admit defeat, but we eventually decided to (and we wish that we had been referred to one sooner, so that we hadn't lost more precious time and fertility with our increasing ages). Our decision was not met by the support from family and friends that we thought that it would be. Some people were openly hostile to the idea. Why would we go to a doctor? Why not just relax, rest, go on a trip, don't worry so much, etc. Naturally, lots of people fear doctors and science even in this modern age, but when someone has decided (bravely) to seek help with such a heartbreaking and stressful problem, you could at least support them. They are already scared, they don't need your fears and misgivings too. It's not like we announced that we were going to a witch doctor and would be sacrificing chickens at each new moon for a year because that would create a super fetus that I would bear in the new year. Further, what if there is an underling and serious condition causing the infertility like ovarian or uterine cancer? People should not be made to feel bad for seeking medical advice.

10. I don't think that you should follow the doctor's/ naturopath's advice, I "feel" like it's wrong/ will produce more stress for you/ won't help you get pregnant/ they don't know what they're talking about.
As above, we've dealt with these comments too. For some reason, laymen often feel like they have some special medical knowledge and edge that they don't. Don't undermine someone's treatment. Unless you hear that your loved one has been told to sacrifice kittens at midnight for fertility, the treatments are probably grounded in science (or in the case of a naturopath, hopefully some sort of experience). The person suffering infertility doesn't need to feel even more uncertain and worried than they already feel. They've been brave to decide that they need help and then have taken the step of seeking help, don't derail them.

11. Do yoga and you'll get pregnant/ everyone who does yoga gets pregnant.
This was particularly irritating. First of all, there's no science behind this statement. The only possible explanation might be that people who are experiencing less stress might be able to conceive more easily and perhaps some people find yoga relaxing. But this assumes that they are even able to conceive in the first place. When someone has unexplained infertility, it's not apparent to anyone, not even the doctor, why they can't get pregnant or how to help them other than by extreme measures like IVF. Yoga is not IVF. Don't lecture about things you don't understand about and make people feel bad for not doing yoga when they are instead seeking sound medical advice that is actually LIKELY to aid in resolving their infertility.

12. You probably have a hidden gluten allergy (even though your blood tests show that you don't have Celiac disease) and that's why you're not getting pregnant.
This is courtesy of a naturopath. It's not grounded in science (unless you actually have celiac disease- that's different- but I don't have that). Doctors don't agree with this gluten sensitivity B.S.. Quit making me feel bad for having a slice of bread with my homemade chicken, vegetable, and brown rice soup, you bitch.

13. You should get acupuncture, then you'll get pregnant. I saw an article about it somewhere.
Yes, there's lots of variations of this statement out there. When someone is already paying thousands of dollars a year for added medical care not included in our great medical system, medications, vitamins, treatments, and things like a naturopath, the last thing they want to hear is that they SHOULD be doing something else and if they DON'T they WON'T get pregnant and haven't done all that they could have to try to get pregnant. This just makes the person second guess themselves. There are a variety of articles out there about acupuncture and pregnancy. It does seem to work for some people, especially with certain conditions, but it doesn't for others. Other articles haven't concluded that there's any benefit. And in any event just because you read a newspaper article, you're not an expert in fertility, unexplained infertility, acupuncture, scientific testing, or anything, so don't lecture someone who is already devastated, overwhelmed, and upset by their infertility about what treatments they SHOULD be getting.

14. Forget the doctors, go see a naturopath, they'll find a way to get you pregnant.
The rise in pseudoscience has been a disturbing trend in the past several years. Yes, there are good things we can learn from non-doctors like naturopaths. My husband and I have learnt some really good nutritional strategies and things about vitamins, but at the same time, there's only so much that a naturopath can do with many medical conditions including infertility. We tried the naturopath route two different times before going to a reproductive endocrinologist and we wish that we hadn't wasted this time and had just gone straight to the reproductive endocrinologist. Freshly ground turmeric root is not going to get you pregnant if you have unexplained infertility (well, at least it didn't for us). There's no problem having a naturopath support the process, but sometimes you're just going to have to call in the big guns. A naturopath cannot do IVF and that is what you might end up needing if you want to have a baby. Don't let trendiness guilt you into ignoring science and seeking medical care from doctors and specialists in infertility.

15. You should be taking all of the vitamins that could possibly have any potential to influence fertility and if you don't you're not doing everything that you can to try to get pregnant.
Another guilt trip. This is often used by naturopaths who sell vitamins out of their offices (an obvious conflict). But it is used by doctors too (often because with conditions like unexplained infertility, the doctor doesn't even know why you can't get pregnant or what might change this). Concerned family and friends to a lesser degree may use this line, quoting some article they read somewhere. We have spent thousands of dollars a year on vitamins for the past six years trying to get pregnant and to boost our health for pregnancy and it hasn't worked. Sometimes nothing will work. And making people feel worse for their present predicament is just cruel and unhelpful.

16. Put your feet up/ do yoga positions after sex and you'll be sure to get pregnant.
There's even videos on YouTube about yoga positions you can do after sex to maximize your chances of getting pregnant. I did this for years and years and years. It was inconvenient, time consuming, annoying, uncomfortable, and it didn't work. Maybe it works for some people, but it definitely doesn't for others, so don't make it sound like a certainty if you're going to promote it. In any event, scientific evidence on this one seems to be lacking.

17. Take your basal body temperature every day or you won't ever know when you're ovulating- that's why you're not getting pregnant.
Courtesy of a naturopath who couldn't believe that a pack of ovulation sticks might not have been able to detect my ovulation (my urine is always dilute due to drinking a lot of fluids because of taking lithium carbonate and always being thirsty). She thought that I just might not be ovulating (even though an ultrasound had shown that I had just ovulated the previous month- yeah what would an ultrasound know). I have been tracking my basal body temperature for about nine months now. I resisted at first, because it seemed like a lot of work and it never worked for my mother, but I finally caved in the hopes that it might get me pregnant without having to go to extreme measures like IVF. Guess what, my mother was right, tracking my basal body temperature hasn't worked for me either.

I will continue the list tomorrow with Part 2.

Second Consultation

At our appointment in December 2015, Dr. Hudson said that we had "unexplained infertility."So, technically we should be able to get pregnant, but for some reason or another that was unclear, we had not been able to get pregnant.

 Then Dr. Hudson laid out a variety of options for how we might increase our chances of conceiving. He said our current odds given my age (almost 36 by that point), my husband's sub-optimum sperm quality, and how long we had been trying to conceive were about 2-3% each month (with a 25% chance of miscarriage given my age). The treatments offered boosted our chances to about 3-4% per month to 50% with IVF (all still with the same chances of miscarriage, 25%).

As I listened to how low our chances were and how much the various treatments cost,  I felt a combination of rage and despair. I fought back tears. Dr. Hudson said that we should think about all of the options and perhaps give it some time, but that he wouldn't leave it more than six months given my age. He said that he wouldn't be surprised if we got pregnant in the meantime without his help given the fact that we could in his opinion (again the use of "unexplained infertility.")

After I left his office I was so upset, I couldn't stop crying. I could not believe the cruelty of fate. Why was this happening to us when we had always wanted children? By that point I had been on prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid for almost six years.

Through the next several months, I tried to process my grief and decide what to do. I was devastated and terrified about the future. I continued working with my counsellor through my sadness, rage, and grief.

My husband and I tried to maintain our open communication as well as we could, but since we had both so much wanted children for so long that period of time was very, very difficult for us. Through this whole process, we couldn't help but feel completely alone. We didn't know anyone who had ever had trouble getting pregnant (or if we did, they didn't tell us). We definitely didn't know anyone who had ever gone to a fertility doctor and undergone a treatment with one either. Our friends had stopped asking about how our journey to have children was going and our families walked on eggshells around us. We grappled with the fairness of our situation as we observed people in the world who didn't even want children having accidental pregnancies and then some of them neglecting these children. But life isn't fair.

We both started to see a naturopath who offered suggestions of even more vitamins we could try to improve our fertility, herbal remedies, and gave us acupuncture to boost our fertility. We both underwent about two months of acupuncture on at least a weekly basis. We did not get pregnant.
I bought a box of ovulation testers. I was sceptical that they would work given that I always drink so much water and dilute urine can throw those tests off apparently. I had a box of 10 and despite signs that I was ovulating, the kit never showed that I was. Ultrasounds have shown that I do ovulate, so I think the tests just didn't work. All I can say, is that waiting till a certain time every morning when you've drank way too much water the night before is agonizing and I was glad to be done with the box.

Then, on the suggestion of the naturopath, in complete desperation, I started taking my basal temperature every morning. This too was annoying, but I was willing to do anything to up my chances of conceiving. The months passed, showing a consistent pattern of monthly temperatures, but we still didn't get pregnant.

The Journey to a Fertility Specialist

Six years ago I turned 30 and suddenly a distant future goal of wanting to have children, became much more pressing. Overnight I went from observing babies with disinterest to longing. I can remember sitting on trains in Japan and staring at mothers with babies and bursting into tears like a complete weirdo.

I started seeing a naturopath and my doctor six years ago because my health (mental and physical) was taking a complete dive. I wondered if my busy and stressful career as a trial lawyer was just getting to me or if something else was at play.

I started taking prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid in preparation for pregnancy, but unfortunately a diagnosis with hypothyroidism and difficulties regulating my thyroid even with the help of an endocrinologist led to a delay in being able to try for a pregnancy (thyroid levels must be in a healthy range to avoid potential problems in pregnancy like miscarriage and brain damage in the developing fetus). My doctor also said that other medications that I was on would have to be removed or replaced in order for me to have a safe and healthy pregnancy.

The years slid by. My endocrinologist said that my thyroid levels were safe to become pregnant. I was referred to a perinatal psychiatrist who looked at my list of medications and my condition and agreed that I could now try to get pregnant. That was November 2013.

My husband and I were so relieved. We had always planned to have children (we even discussed it the first night we met each other) and now we were sure that this would happen in good time. It didn't.

First I went through blood tests. Then he went through blood test. Then I had a pelvic ultrasound. Everything seemed normal. He had a semen analysis done...and another...and another. The results continued to be sub-optimal. He saw a urologist. The urologist thought that sperm quality could be improved with a varicocelectomy. He had this day surgery done in May of 2015. Subsequent semen analyses were about the same. The urologist didn't see why we couldn't get pregnant in spite of this.

But we didn't get pregnant.