19 Weeks Pregnant: The Aftermath of the Rat, Worrying About Finding a Place to Live, Another Cold or Some Kind of Virus, More Panic Attacks and PRN Medication, Increasing Sleep Problems and Looking for a Maternity Pillow, and Fetal ECG

Current mood . . . 

On the weekend, we spent both days completely shut up in our place. One day was spent trying to sanitize the second bedroom after the rat was caught. Cleaning up rat blood, feces, and urine and worrying that there may be more around ready to invade your place is not a restful weekend and though my husband did most of the cleaning, I couldn't help but worry that this would happen again. I looked a bit more at housing and was even more depressed at our prospects of ever getting out of this place and into a place that's actually big enough and has storage enough to work for having a baby.

As the days until birth tick down, I'm starting to panic. I can't believe how much people are charging for just a floor of a house. From my sister's experience looking for a place while she was pregnant, I know no one will rent to us any place that shares walls. And entire houses to rent are in very, very short supply in Victoria since everyone is rushing to cash in on the lottery of British Columbia real estate. And of course very, very short supply means very, very expensive for places that wouldn't have even rented 10 years ago.

And it's hard to plan when we don't know if we're going to be able to move or not. Should we buy anything baby related or wait? Should be packing bit by bit or will we be stuck here forever? Will we be "renovicted" from this place? Should we just move away from this country all together and start anew somewhere where there's actually a reasonable prospect of owning or renting a decent place for less than 50% of our take home pay (and 50% would be a good scenario here, many people pay much more on the west coast to either rent or own a place)?

What is with this real estate and rental market?

Maybe this is why I can't sleep at night or rather why I fall asleep with difficulty and then wake from nightmares with panic attacks and can't sleep again for about  two hours.

And I picked up another cold or some sort of awful virus somewhere. It manifested on the weekend. I had just been getting over the last of the sinus congestion from my last cold when I was hit by a very, very sore throat and more congestion. Then I was visited by violent stomach pains and nausea for a couple of days. I'm still feeling crumby. I guess this is the trade-off between being pregnant in the summer and being all hot and icky vs. being pregnant in the winter and being cool but constantly sick (pregnancy lowers the immune system response, so the body doesn't reject the fetus).

Ugh, sick again.

While the anxiety and panic attacks had subsided a bit after taking Loxapine, my PRN, for a day last week, they started ramping up again for me mid week and I had to take Loxapine again early yesterday morning in an effort to get some sleep. I'm afraid that I'll have to go on it for a while to try to crush this mixed episode so that it doesn't worsen or continue to haunt me for the rest of the spring. The last thing I need is to feel worse or to end up hospitalized in the psychiatric ward.

Blooming spring bulbs from my husband.

And on a related note, as I mentioned above, I'm really having trouble sleeping. My husband and I have tried looking at some of the overwhelming array of pregnancy pillows online to find something that will help me sleep on my side(apparently around this time is when sleeping on the back becomes bad for the fetus and mother due to compression of the vena cava, so sleeping on the side is considered optimal) instead of spending the night rolling around between pillows like a restless wanderer who disturbs both my husband and more importantly our precious prince of a cat.

Do not disturb.

The selection is just so vast though. And naturally, since it's maternity related, they're expensive. There are review articles on maternity pillows, websites have tens and tens and tens of them, all with sometimes hundreds of reviews and ratings, all contradictory. And the stores in Victoria only have one or two of a type that seem useless to me as they are one sided, meaning if you have to flip to your other side, you have to take the whole body pillow with you. I'm looking for the U type that looks like  a giant U or horseshoe and apparently takes up about half of a bed. They allow you sleep on either side without having to move it over when you flip over. That seems like it might work best for me, although chequered reviews of them exist, so I can't be certain that it will work out. And I don't want to choose a bad one so I tried to find one in person to actually see and touch, however, after a fruitless trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond and The Mothering Touch today, I have determined that I'll just have to read some more reviews and then order online. Then wait . . .

But I'm getting really desperate for a good sleep. I know that my prospects for good sleep are disintegrating by the day, but I'd like to grab a few while I can, especially because sleep is especially important for those with bipolar disorder (and part of the reason I'm not sleeping is this mixed episode that I'm currently having too, but good sleep will help me get out of it, so it's really a vicious circle). I've been looking on Amazon, but of course I'll have to check out eBay, Bed, Bath & Beyond and Toys 'R Us which apparently have a vaster online selection, and just generally Google to see what comes up. That's the problem with everything pregnancy and baby related and the existence of the internet, one could spend years searching for something now. There's just so, so, so much.

I am 19 weeks pregnant today. This morning, my husband and I drove out to Victoria General Hospital to have a fetal ECG. This was booked because there's a slightly increased risk of heart valve defects in the fetuses of patients taking Lithium Carbonate (I take this for bipolar disorder), Ebstein's anomaly (according to some older studies which some say are highly flawed, but are still followed to be on the safe side).

Lithium Carbonate.

I was feeling pretty sick to the stomach from being up early, not sleeping much, and whatever this weird virus is. The fetal ECG is done by ultrasound (external). The bladder does not have to be full (thankfully).

Waiting for the fetal ECG.

Awesome hospital waiting room lighting.

The doctor spent a while pressing the ultrasound probe into various areas of my abdomen (ow, bladder, ow, ligaments stretching out with the growing uterus) and having me turn to one side and then the other and then back onto my back to image different sides of the fetus' heart and to observe its rhythm and all the different valves, ventricles, and chambers.  He pronounced that he could not see any valve problems, chamber or ventricle problems, rhythm problems, or anything that would indicate that there was a heart abnormality. The fetus' heart rate was 147 bpm when he measured it. He said between 110 and 160 is normal in pregnancy (in early pregnancy the heart rate can be as high as 180 and in later pregnancy it goes down towards 120). He printed out a picture of the fetus and a couple of the heart for me when I asked if I could have some for my blog (no pictures are allowed in the hospital ultrasound area for "privacy" reasons even though you're in a private room). My husband was amazed to see the fetus kicking during the ultrasound and the spine and ribs and everything in such detail compared to the last time he saw an ultrasound of the fetus, which was November 10th. There's definitely more detail to see now.

The silhouette of the fetus.

The fetus' heart plus the ECG line below at 147 bpm.

Close up of the fetus' heart (the white square in the middle is adhesive from the new roll of paper that the doctor put into the printing machine).

Next week, we have the detailed developmental ultrasound on January 31st (I'll be 19.5 weeks pregnant). My husband will be able to be at that. A week and a half after that, I'll be at my maternity doctor, Dr. Down, to find out if the fetus is male or female. I can't believe I'm almost halfway through the pregnancy (20 weeks). I'm still stunned every time I have an ultrasound or I'm at the doctor's office when I hear the fetus' heartbeat or see it moving. I just can't believe I'm pregnant or that it's still alive (my husband confessed that he was holding his breath at the start of the fetal ECG this morning wondering if there would still be a heartbeat, the miscarriage we had in June has not been easy on either of us). This whole process is so overwhelming and after the struggle we have had to get here, I realize how lucky I am to be pregnant. I will never take that for granted.

19 weeks pregnant.

18 Weeks Pregnant: Panic Attacks, PRN Medication for Bipolar Disorder, There's a Rat in Our House, We Can't Find a Bigger Place to Move into that Doesn't Cost the Moon, the End of My Cold, Glum Weather, and Loneliness

Current mood . . . (yes our cat sneered at me when I opened the blinds the other morning)

Last weekend was spent at home with my husband and cat. Having an entire weekend with my husband made me feel grateful after having him gone for so much in the autumn and winter. We thought about going out for dinner or to a movie or even both, but I was still feeling really wiped out from the cold I caught two and half weeks ago. He seemed to be coming down with it. And I had to pee even more often than usual making me think I might have a urinary tract infection (I still am not really sure. I think my body is just trying to adjust to having an increasingly heavy uterus pressing on the bladder and I was never a camel to begin with, so, lots of urination in the future for me I guess). Instead of going out, we ordered in Indian food and relaxed. Bliss . . . I know we should be going out together and enjoying the last of our "freedom" but we've been trying to have a baby for so many years now (almost seven) that  perhaps we've had enough freedom. We just feel exhausted and antisocial (and this epic cold certainly hasn't helped).

We just couldn't move since a giant cat was forcing us to rest all weekend . . .

Listen to me . . . you are getting sleepy . . . you will stay in and feed me tuna.

Monday, one of our landladies came over to tell me that the neighbour had heard scratching in the walls of some sort of rodent and she didn't have a cat, so they had had an exterminator over to lay some traps. I told her that I had not heard anything. And I thought we'd be okay because of our big tabby cat. I went back to preparing dinner not too worried about this piece of housing related news (our last rental suite had a rat infestation, but it was more run down, we paid half the rent, and it was a ground level/basement suite dark haven perfect for rats). This story will pick up further down the post . . .

Tuesday, my husband was home sick from work with my horrible cold (sharing is caring). After discovering a strange man going through our recycling on our back deck, I looked at UsedVictoria, Craigslist, and Kijiji hoping that the rental situation might have improved in Victoria since I last looked at it about a month or two ago. The conditions had not improved at all (for tenants, for landlords they are the best ever). There is almost nothing available in the way of houses to rent and what is available is either crappy and really expensive or ho hum and really, really, really expensive. Thoroughly depressed, I abandoned the search after about an hour. A visit from yet another canvasser to the door further worsened my mood. How many times per month do I have to be interrupted in my work by people knocking at the door asking for money when I know that the organizations that send them have such high administrative costs that the purported recipients of this charity will see virtually none of it?

We keep wondering if it's even worth staying in Victoria. I mean, if one can't even find a place to live without paying almost their entire after tax income in rent or towards a mortgage that they'll never pay off, how would one ever prosper or even retire?

How depressing.

Instead of finding a place to go and view with 50 or 100 other prospective tenants, we emerged into the windy and rainy night to go out for an ice cream. For some reason, I had been craving ice cream the last two days and what better time to have ice cream than a dark and stormy night?

Rain- check, wind- check, dark- check. The perfect conditions for an ice cream cone.

This week has been difficult as I have been suffering from increasing anxiety and having panic attacks most days, sometimes many times a day. I have suffered badly from anxiety and panic attacks at various points in my life, but none worse than around the time when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2012. Panic attacks and high anxiety are one of my "tells" that something is not right and that I need to slow down, rest, and if my condition doesn't improve, go on PRN medication(s) to treat a mixed or (hypo)manic state. I normally suffer from mixed states, which are what experts describe as a sort of "agitated depression," i.e. you feel restless and anxious and depressed (and often suicidal and unlike unipolar depressed people, you have the energy to carry out a suicide, therefore, these states are treated very seriously by psychiatrists as they can be very dangerous. People suffering from bipolar disorder have a much, much higher chance of committing suicide than people suffering from any other psychiatric condition, at least 15 to 20% of bipolar patients commit suicide or 15 times the incidence of suicide of someone without a mood disorder and this number is much higher than unipolar depression patients which have a suicide rate of about 5-10%).

I had thought that I was just depressed with anxiety, but I was fooled last winter by a state similar to this that turned out to be a mixed state and when treated by my most effect PRN, Loxapine, it eventually receded and left me able to deal with the spring (when I was ramping up for the first scheduled IVF treatments, which were then cancelled due to my natural pregnancy, which then abruptly ended in a miscarriage).  I'm not surprised that I'm suffering from a mixed state, it's been a very stressful time for many reasons (undergoing IVF treatments, becoming pregnant, having my lithium levels drop below therapeutic levels, having my husband away most of the fall and winter, the gloom of the winter, family strife, uncertainty regarding housing, and my still fresh fear of having another miscarriage).

The weather has been very glum lately in Victoria.

So after a very tearful Wednesday morning, where I could not stop crying, I took a Loxapine (considered safe in pregnancy, as far as bipolar medications are concerned, naturally it's better not to have to take it, but leaving a condition like this untreated is even more dangerous and past discussions with my past and current psychiatrist have made this my PRN to use should episodes arise during pregnancy). I was particularly convinced that I was suffering from a mixed state because my number of panic attacks per day and waking from nightmares with them was increasing by the week and my general anxiety level was very high. I felt scared to leave the house to go anywhere or go for a walk and had a panic attack just putting the recycling out three days ago. High anxiety and numerous panic attacks are almost always an indication for me that I'm in a hypomanic, manic, or more likely, a mixed state.

My husband brought me home some spring bulbs to watch grow. I have always found gardening, even on a small scale indoors,  therapeutic.

Wednesday morning, after my meltdown, while my husband was at home sick with my cold again (my sinuses are still quite stuffy and runny and I've continued to take Loratadine, non-drowsy antihistamine, because I'm having trouble breathing without it and don't want to get a sinus infection because I used to get them all the time when I was younger), he was in the second bedroom that we use as an office when he all of a sudden heard scurrying which he thought was in the wall, only to discover a large rat in the corner of the room. We tried to capture it on our own in a overturned garbage can, but it was too fast. We tried to get our large tabby cat involved, but he was not interested in this activity. He used to be quite the ratter when we lived in Oak Bay, which had beautiful houses, but many, many rats. I suppose at the age of 15.5 years he's retired from the job of ratter and is content to be a genteel old chap now. Having a large rat on the lamb in our place of course did not improve my already hysterical state. We called the landladies and they said they'd send by the pest guy who was supposed to fix the problem in both of the duplex units.

Catch your own rats. 

We took a short walk and picked up a few groceries nearby. I thought I felt a little a better from the Loxapine and getting for a bit of a walk away from the rat infested dive that we live in, but was still quite anxious to be out in public, even with my husband. I find my walking pace to be definitely slower than my former walking pace and I notice the shortness of breath that all the books have been talking about.

My Christmas cactus is blooming now that we're safely out of the Christmas season. I don't blame it.

I feel awful that I haven't been getting out for more walks for my health (in the family I was raised in, guilt is like currency), but I've just been so anxious and exhausted and depressed and as I was starting to realize, mixed. The thing about a mixed state is that there are only two main ways to treat it, medication (various medications work for different people, as I mentioned, my PRN or add on medication in this state is Loxapine, but it's an old school conventional antipsychotic that few people find effective, so I guess I'm just weird) and rest. Unlike with depression, exercise is actually bad for those suffering from a mixed state, as it can fuel or feed the mixed state, just like it does manic or hypomanic states. In the old days, before medications were discovered, people were just put in a bed and told to rest for as long as it took for them to feel better, low stimulation as my old psychiatrist used to call it. So, actually, lack of exercise is good for this mental state, just not good for my physical state. It's one of the hard things about bipolar disorder is having your regular exercise schedule or activity schedule hijacked regularly by seasonal fluctuations in mood that might include hypomanic, manic, mixed states, or depressions, all of which are a little different to deal with.

The pest guy came over late in the day and set one trap in the kitchen and one in the second bedroom where we figured the rat still was, given that we had kept the door closed. He found that there was a lot of space around the plumbing in the wall going into our washer and that was where the rat came from (he found rat droppings behind the washer apparently). We felt unsettled by the whole day.

That night,  I took another small dose of Loxapine to help me sleep and continue the treatment of the mixed state. But instead of making me sleepy, I kept having panic attacks, hyperventilating, and I was extremely anxious and agitated. That on top of having to pee all the time and trying to sleep only on my side (the several pregnancy books I have don't have a consensus about if you should stop sleeping on your back and perhaps even on your stomach in the second trimester, at 16 weeks, or at 20 weeks, or if perhaps sleeping on your back sometimes is okay and maybe even on the stomach if you can get comfortable- ha, ha- not that that's a surprise that they don't have a consensus since they don't agree on anything other than that pictures of pregnant women should always show them having the time of their lives and laughing maniacally), did not allow me to fall asleep. Plus hearing the rat in the room next door trying to claw and gnaw his way out of that bedroom and jumping around loudly instead of succumbing to the trap laid for him, did not contribute to a relaxing atmosphere and I didn't really sleep much until about four or five in the morning.

Thursday morning, my husband reported that the clever rat had set off the trap, put the trap on its side, eaten the peanut butter bait, but had not been caught. My husband reset the trap. The cat paid no interest at all in the proceedings and went back to sleep. I wish that I could have his nonchalant disinterest in life.

Nope, I'm not catching that rat.

I felt nauseous and dozy from the extra Loxapine that I had had in the middle of the night to try to get to sleep and calm down. I'm not sure if the Loxapine is just not working well to help me sleep because I'm pregnant or if it's just because I'm really, really anxious and stressed out, but it didn't seem to help much like I thought it would and like it often does. I spent some time writing on Thursday as I do every day, but I can't say that I've touched my novels either to write new material in them or edit them, since I've been pregnant. I just don't feel like I'm inspired, energetic, or perhaps mentally sharp enough to do it right now.

I felt like this Thursday morning.

By Thursday evening, my mood had improved a lot. I've always been impressed by how just one day of  Loxapine can turn my whole mood around. I decided to try sleeping with no Loxapine last night and I was actually able to sleep fairly well, albeit with numerous interruptions from my bladder and the rat waking us up trying to get out of the second bedroom again.

The spring bulbs that my husband brought home for me have started to bloom.

Friday morning, the clever rat had again managed to avoid capture, instead, eating the peanut from the trap which he or she had set off without being captured.  I had to call the pest control guy to tell him that his modern plastic little traps (which we thought looked like they were for mice, not rats), were not working on this far too clever rodent.

The cat was of no help in trying to capture the rodent . . .

I went to the chiropractor today for another adjustment. That was my only appointment this week, which after having five appointments last week was a lovely change, especially since I haven't been feeling well. I managed to go grocery shopping after and then do some writing. I'm hoping my mood will continue to improve or at least hold and I can avoid taking Loxapine again for a while. But the spring historically has never been a good time for me (often I get either mixed episodes or at least hypomanic episodes around the spring and autumn equinoxes as many bipolar patients do- it is a condition intimately tied to light and seasons). In fact both of my hospitalizations in psychiatric wards occurred in the spring, April and May, though it has been three and half years since I've been hospitalized now.

Car selfie in the glamorous car park at the chiropractor's office.

Tonight, my husband and I actually went out to dinner and then to a movie. When we came home, the rat was finally captured. Hopefully tonight we'll have a peaceful sleep knowing that our place is again secure (for now . . . one of our landladies did mention that she had someone propose renting out the other side of the duplex and then running our side as an Airbnb an offer which she refused, but who knows what the future holds).

All in all, I feel overwhelmed even though perhaps I shouldn't even be overwhelmed yet. It's a helpless sort of a feeling. I know that we signed up for this and paid a lot for it, but it's been an even bigger struggle than I had ever imagined and circumstances around us have not made it any easier. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to who had been through this before like a family member, but then I think about how conversations with people in my family have often only made me feel worse. Plus, sometimes I just don't want to talk at all about this whole situation/life because I'm so overwhelmed. It's hard to explain. I just sort of feel like I'm lost in the labyrinth of life right now and I don't know if I'll run into the Minotaur or find treasure in the end.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant today. As I get closer to the halfway point, 20 weeks, I just can't believe it. I can't believe that I'm still pregnant or pregnant in the first place, or that I might actually have a baby. I don't know when it might sink in, but I guess it's going to have to eventually.

18 weeks pregnant today.

17 Weeks Pregnant, More Blood Tests, Perinatal Psychiatrist, Checkup with Maternity Doctor, Results of Genetic Screening Tests, Appointment for Next Ultrasound, Acupuncture, Chiropractor, and Contemplating Where to Live as Our Needs Change

Current mood . . .

Last Friday, near to midnight, my husband arrived home from his business trip and ran straight to the bathroom where he started vomiting violently. Apparently, after a strange tasting chicken dinner in business class that night on a flight, he had started vomiting on the airplane. He was sick with food poisoning and then the recuperation from being so violently ill the rest of the weekend. I was exhausted and still trying to recover from the horrible cold that I had come down with that week. So, we were a miserable pair that weekend. Our reunion after yet another week of separation was not what we had hoped for.

Monday, I was in the lab first thing in the morning for my appointment to have another blood test. I was having my lithium carbonate level tested, as well as my kidney function (this is important to do regularly when on lithium, as it hard on the kidneys).

Another blood test . . .

Tuesday, I drove out to the Victoria General Hospital to see my perinatal psychiatrist (the perinatal psychiatrists in Victoria all practice out of the Victoria General Hospital where the Child and Family Ambulatory Unit or CFAU is and where babies are born, as opposed to most other psychiatrists who practice in town either at private practises or at the old psychiatric hospital, Eric Martin Pavillion, and who do rounds at the Royal Jubilee Hospital in the new psychiatric ward there).

A beautiful morning to be at the hospital.

Parking lot selfie.

In the waiting room at the hospital.

The perinatal psychiatrist and I reviewed my lithium carbonate level. It was up from 0.5 mmol/L to 0.62 mmol/L in a month. This was good news, as my lithium level had been below therapeutic range last time it was measured and I was feeling very unwell in December. In response, my perinatal psychiatrist had raised my dose of lithium from 900 mg once per day to 1050 mg once per day. It was necessary to raise my dose, because my blood volume had been rising as my pregnancy progressed. Sometimes more than one dose change is necessary during pregnancy, due to both blood volume increase and weight increase. 0.52 mmol/L is considered in our lab’s measurements the lowest therapeutic level. When I was feeling stable in the autumn, my level was around 0.70 mmol/L, so perhaps I’ll feel even better if my level climbs a bit. Lithium level does take a while to rise in the blood. In fact, for those on lithium as a treatment, two years is considered to be a short time to be on this still little understood drug, which is still the leading treatment for bipolar disorder (though researchers still can’t figure out why it works on many bipolar patients but not others and why no better drug has been developed in all the decades since its introduction as a mainstream treatment).

The perinatal psychiatrist and I then discussed my kidney tests, which were all within the normal range. The perinatal psychiatrist said that kidney levels were even less likely to look out of normal ranges while a patient is pregnant, since her kidneys are working furiously, pumping everything through her body at such a high rate due to the pregnancy.

We then discussed what the plan was for around the time of the birth. She says that since it’s so hard to predict exactly when someone will go into labour, I should not stop taking my lithium until I actually go into labour (as opposed to on my due date). After I stop taking lithium and have given birth, the hospital will test my lithium level with a blood test in the hospital (bipolar patients tend to be held longer than patients without bipolar disorder after birth to ensure that they are stable before being released back home) and then she will decide what dose of lithium to start me on again (this could be a couple or a few days after the birth, so as to avoid toxicity since I will have been on a higher dose than I would need post pregnancy and I will lose so much fluid during the birth). I feel satisfied with this plan and reassured that she does not seem at all worried (this is a big change from the time when Kay Redfield Jamieson, the famous bipolar author and professor, was contemplating having children when her psychiatrist told her that she should NEVER have children given her disorder- she's a truly inspiring woman whose writings have brought me a lot of comfort since my diagnosis).

The psychiatrist recommended that I come back in to see her in about a month or perhaps even six weeks, after I have another blood test to check my lithium level again. I chose an appointment a month away to make sure that my lithium level stays in the therapeutic range and doesn’t fall below it again. I don’t need more of a challenge than being pregnant by having a mood episode that could render me in the psychiatric ward (I never, ever want to end up there again). As it is, while I am coping better than I was in December, my anxiety levels have been quite high lately and I've been waking from nightmares frequently with panic attacks. My sense of hopelessness and fear that I'll miscarry again have also continued to be a problem. I can't help but wonder if the reason why I haven't had an upswing in my energy level in the second trimester, as all the books seem to be saying that I should be, is because my lithium level is still sub-optimal and I'm just not feeling very well mentally (could also be the darkness and gloom of this time of year in the north too).

After my appointment on Tuesday, I went to the mall to continue my (frustrating) search for maternity-like clothes. I tried to find a pair of maternity jeans, so that I could wear something other than dresses and leggings with tunics. Unfortunately, there are limited fits in tall sizes and I was in between sizes (and they looked bizarre, were expensive, and seemed to not be that great quality) and the regular length maternity jeans were capri pants on me, so I left the maternity store empty handed. I wandered over to The Bay. I managed to find two bras that fit my larger bust well. I also found a pair of regular black cotton leggings in a larger size that fit and can replace my black leggings from Walmart which are now worn out and full of holes. This at least will keep me for a while, as I figure out what my next wardrobe related move will be. The maternity clothing marketplace seems expensive and not that great (sort of like regular clothes but uglier and made with cheap fabric). It seems I might just be in regular clothing in larger sizes for the rest of my pregnancy. 

Wednesday, I had an appointment with my maternity doctor in the morning. My husband is in town working for the next few weeks and he came to the appointment with me, so that he could meet Dr. Down and hear the results of our genetic screening tests. I gave my urine sample to the MOA and then proceeded to the room to be weighed. The scale showed that I had gain a bit more weight, but as the MOA said, I’m pregnant and I should be gaining weight (my endocrinologist is not of this view, but oh well, I can only do so much, since I am pregnant).

In the waiting room at the doctor's office.

Dr. Down said that he had just received my results back from the screening centre at the BC Children’s Hospital the day before. I had the two blood tests plus the nuchal fold ultrasound (the tests looked for raised risk of the fetus having chromosomal abnormalities like Spina bifida and Down Syndrome). He said that my results were excellent and did not show any flags that would indicate that I should have further testing like the paid Harmony screening blood test or amniocentesis (a relief as this carries its own set of risks).

Dr. Down looked at my sinuses to check if I was starting to get an infection. He said that my sinuses were inflamed, but so far not infected. I was to continue with saline, some Tylenol for pain and swelling, and I have been using non-drowsy antihistamines the last few days, Loratadine, which is also apparently fine in pregnancy.

Dr. Down took my blood pressure, which he declared perfect (no surprises there, sometimes nurses are alarmed by how low it is, so I wasn't expecting it to be high). I asked about pain in my pelvis and if it could be ligaments stretching out. He palpated my abdomen and said that it was most likely the ligaments stretching out, as my uterus was not painful when he palpated it. He then put the goo on my abdomen to listen to the fetus’ heartbeat. My husband looked on with amazement, as he heard the fetus’ heartbeat for the first time since our first ultrasound on his birthday in November, when we found out that we were pregnant and that the IVF had been successful (he has not been able to be at the subsequent ultrasounds and doctor's appointments as he's been away on business). Dr. Down said that everything seemed normal with the heartbeat around 150 bpm. He said that I should get my appointment soon for my developmental ultrasound (done between 18-20 weeks). When I see him in a month, I will find out the sex of the fetus (you can choose not to find out, but we are going to find out).

Car selfie . . .

When I arrived home, I found the appointment for the ultrasound (they are still sent by mail, very retro). My appointment is January 31st, when I will be 19.5 weeks pregnant. My husband thinks that he will be able to be there, which is great news because this is apparently the most interesting ultrasound that happens during pregnancy, when one can see the fetus in great detail (and where one can discover the sex of the fetus from their doctor in a visit after the ultrasound since the ultrasound tech cannot tell you).

Thursday, I went for my first acupuncture visit in a month (it’s monthly now, instead of weekly). As usual, she put needles in my lower legs to connect to fertility meridians. Since I’ve still had gastrointestinal symptoms like indigestion and some constipation, she put a needle in my very high stomach area. For anxiety, she put needles in my chest. She put a needle in the top of my head and one in the top of each ear.

Before acupuncture.

A needle in the top of my head and one in each ear and two in my chest.

When she returned to check on me, I asked if she could do something for my congested sinuses. She put needles on either side of my nose which she called “whiskers.” She also put a needle between my eyebrows. I will return for another round of acupuncture in a month.

From less head needles to many head needles.

Today, I’m 17 weeks pregnant. I simply cannot believe it. I still have trouble believing that I’m actually pregnant, let alone almost half way through (and so close to finding out what the sex of the thing is!).

17 weeks pregnant.

I went to the chiropractor today. My neck and back continue to be stiff (with some spasming), though less tense than the previous week. I will return for another adjustment in a week.

My husband and I have been discussing what to do with regard to our future and where we’re going to live. Unfortunately, the place we live is not big enough for a new addition to the family. In Victoria where we live, the vacancy rate for renting (0.5%) is even lower than crowded and overpriced Vancouver (0.7%) with very few places offered for rent and even less places that are not a crack shack or one step above a crack shack. If one does find a place that doesn’t look shocking, in a neighbourhood that one actually wants to live in, the prices for a small basic house with two or three bedrooms are thousands of dollars per month. If one wants to buy a house in Victoria, the numbers are even more grim (average house price is about $950,000 now in the core). We keep wondering if this is a good place to raise a family. When housing is so expensive and scarce, perhaps it’s time to look elsewhere.

Canada is suffering from housing problems coast to coast though, a result of years of low interest rates and other government policies designed to put off the inevitable correction that we should have had following the financial crash. The government is more interested in “growing”’ the “housing industry” in Canada (practically the only sector that is growing in Canada now) and rewarding dangerous levels of debt in taxpayers and penalizing savers. We just can’t see how a family can get ahead nowadays when they are spending 60-70% of their after tax income on housing (common figures on the west coast of Canada where places like Vancouver and Victoria have increasingly less units available while people continue to flock to the cities to live thereby ensuring that rents will continue to climb).

People have said that I should live somewhere near to some family who can/will help me when I have a baby, as I suffer from bipolar disorder and may have a need for extra support if I become unwell from my disorder or if my husband is away travelling for work and I don't have him turn to. That is not an option where we are and my husband could not do his job from where his parents live, so in-laws are not an option either. The other option is to hire people to help out. In Canada, this costs quite a lot, especially on top of high housing costs, food costs, etc.. My acupuncturist directed me to the Doulas of Victoria website, where one can find a list of doulas available for postpartum services. I didn’t know what that they did anything postpartum. She told me that they can do things like help with the baby while you take a nap, help with housework and laundry, and answer questions about childcare. She said “you know stuff a mother or sister would do.” I scoffed at this characterization of what family would do. I know I’m on my own. My acupuncturist told me that it is like paying for a nanny by the hour. It is an interesting idea, but it doesn’t solve our housing problem.

We remain unsure of what we should do, but with time ticking down, we have to decide soon what our next move should be.

Housing prices in Canada make us feel like this . . .

15 and 16 Weeks Pregnant, Travelling While Pregnant, Shopping While Pregnant, More Blood Tests, Another Weigh in at the Endocrinologist's Office, and Colds Suck Way More When You Can't Take Any Medication

Current mood . . . (I'm the grumpy lobster)

I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. It's been two weeks since my last post to this blog, so I have a couple of weeks experiences to put into this post, including being 15 weeks pregnant, travelling while pregnant, Boxing Week shopping while pregnant, more blood tests, my latest visit to the endocrinologist, visiting the chiropractor for another adjustment, and being sick with a wretched cold while pregnant.

The day I was 14 weeks pregnant exactly, I left for a weeklong trip to Kamloops and then Vancouver to see my husband's family for Christmas and then do some Boxing Week shopping and see a friend in Vancouver. Taking a harbour flight from Victoria to the south terminal of the Vancouver airport was harder than before pregnancy, because the diesel fumes and the turbulence made my already nauseated stomach churn and get very close to throwing up for the 45 minute trip. All I could do was try to breathe through my mouth and chant to myself "don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up." Plus, dragging my suitcase (full of all the presents we were taking up to Kamloops plus my stuff) up the ramp at the docks to the terminal was way harder than I remember. I feel like someone has put a brake on while I'm trying to accelerate, so I can only do things at a sort of half-ass speed and force. I guess my body is trying to tell me to chill. This whole pregnancy I've been getting all sorts of messages from my body, the most frequent one being "nope!" It's hard for me to admit defeat and listen, but I guess the body knows its limits and I must obey.

Dark, cold, and very rainy, perfect conditions for turbulence on a seaplane.

On the seaplane.

In the shuttle from YVR south to YVR main terminal to catch my second flight.

Inconvenient and more frequent hunger has started to strike. I had to stop for a snack in the airport before my next flight. When the second flight was delayed, I didn't have time to grab anything to eat, as the time crept into lunchtime, and Air Canada didn't even give us any pretzels or anything to eat on the flight. Then they announced that we might have to turn around and return to Vancouver if we couldn't land in Kamloops because of the weather. Then the little girl beside me started eating a peanut butter cookie. I felt like a caged tiger ready to attack something or at least snarl. I did make it to Kamloops though. The trip exhausted me more than usual and I felt really nauseous and awful the rest of the day. My in laws were excited to see the pictures of the ultrasound that I had brought with me (it's heartening that they're interested in my pregnancy). My husband was able to join me in Kamloops in the evening and we spent the next five nights with his family.

I made gingerbread creatures including cats, angry octopus, and deadly jellyfish. How best to sum up the holidays?

Christmas was a nice affair since my husband's family celebrates it in a healthy and stable way that doesn't leave one feeling like they need treatment in  a psychiatric ward/detox for the next month. And while in Kamloops, at Real Canadian Superstore in the Joe Fresh clothing section, I found one bra, that while not stellar or maternity, fills in while I look for something better, and it was only $8 (this allowed me to stop wearing two old sports bras layered over each other every day which is what I had been doing up until that point).

Christmas morning. My husband first brought me up to his family's place nine years ago to show me what his Christmases had been like growing up. This is our tenth Christmas there.

Christmas night we took a walk to the field where my husband proposed to me nine years ago on Christmas Day.

One of my favourite Christmas gifts was the apron that my mother-in-law made for me.

Triumphant after finding a cheap bra at Real Canadian Superstore.

Kamloops really is beautiful in any season.

The day we were supposed to fly to Vancouver to spend a couple of nights downtown, we went to the airport and found a localized fog. Our flight time kept getting pushed back. After the fifth rescheduling, Air Canada abruptly cancelled our flight. Then all the flights in the airport were cancelled. There was complete pandemonium. Fortunately, we could stay with my husband's parents another night and we managed to get a flight the next day to Vancouver, reschedule our hotel in Vancouver, and then our flight back to Victoria, pushing them back by a day, but it was really inconvenient and six hours at the airport and a missed meal left me with the personality of a gremlin and led to a panic attack while we were waiting in a line to reschedule our flight in the crowded, hot, loud, and chaotic airport. The usual way to reestablish equilibrium after a panic attack, holding my breath for as long as possible and then breathing out slowly (and repeating as necessary until the carbon dioxide level goes back up in my body and I feel calmer) was much harder because I feel so breathless and short of oxygen from being pregnant (I pant when I walk, go up stairs, do housework, and sometimes just from changing, etc. as if I'm the most out of shape person in the world).

And let me add here to the travelling portion, the heightened sensitivity to smell that pregnant women have, makes travelling absolutely gross. There are way, way too many smells already when travelling, but when they are magnified it is really, really, really, really, really gross. Perfumes, halitosis, body odour, moth balls, cigarettes, alcohol, diesel fumes, food . . .  Ewww!

The next day, we flew down to Vancouver and then caught the Canada Line into downtown. I had difficulty handling a suitcase with carryon perched on top plus my purse and on the escalator going up to street level, the suitcase didn't get fully on a step and toppled over and pulled me down with it. I have never fallen on an escalator before and found it particularly terrifying when I was already highly anxious, exhausted, and not feeling well from travelling. I wrenched my right shoulder and neck and did something weird to my right knee, plus my tourmaline ring took a bite out of my right ring finger (I still have a scab over a week later, but who doesn't love jewellery with an attitude?). I was worried I might have injured the fetus, but so far nothing seems to be different. So, when they tell you that you're off balance and really not the same as you usually are when you're pregnant, I guess they're right. I'll have to be more careful.

Vancouver means delicious sushi at one of my favourite Japanese restaurants, ShuRaku, where the sushi chefs are excellent.

That night I developed pain in my right shoulder and numbness down into my right arm. I've had this before when my neck has been really out. I suspect that the tenseness I've been feeling, plus the fall on the escalator set something off. Over the next two days, my husband massaged my neck and back and things settled a bit, but it was really uncomfortable.

Lovely weather for Vancouver.

Shopping in Vancouver around Boxing Week is something I've done almost every year for 15 years. My sister and I used to shop for easily 12 to 14 hours. Well, I did not have anywhere near that stamina this trip. Firstly, I find I'm not walking as fast as I usually do and that I tire more easily. Secondly that neck and shoulder tension is really annoying and I abandoned wearing a purse after the first night and just stuffed my trench coat pockets. Thirdly, inconvenient hunger intervenes more often than it usually does and I find myself just wanting to have a cup of tea or a glass of water and a snack and a chat, rather than searching endlessly for something that I know won't solve my problems or make me happy. And finally, too many bathroom breaks are needed to shop successfully. I am still having to pee more often than usual and when I walk a lot, I get thirsty, then I drink more, and then I have to go pee even more.

Mmm delicious tuna sashimi in Vancouver.

But with the encouragement of my best friend from junior school and my husband, who both accompanied me shopping, I searched for a few items of clothing that will work during my pregnancy (hopefully). I mostly avoided actual maternity cloths because they seemed to be basically the same as normal items of clothing but really, really, really expensive and often in really crappy materials. I found a few tunics at various normal stores, a ruched maternity top at Old Navy (the ruching looks kind of weird but some article extolled its benefits when the stomach was more full, so we'll see), a normal dress in a bigger size at Old Navy, and a few pairs of leggings at Forever 21. I wore one of the pairs of leggings one day and it developed a line of holes down one leg, so I returned all the leggings and I'm still left with no bottoms (for more on Forever 21's disposable leggings see my post on my overpackaging blog). I have hit up an old school mate as to where to look in Victoria for maternity clothes, so I'll be taking another run at maternity bottoms sometime in the near future (especially because my main pair of leggings from Walmart now has holes in it, so things are getting kind of desperate).

Look at that Vancouver sunshine!

The day we were supposed to return to Victoria, it started to snow in Vancouver. It had been fine until then, but New Year's Eve Vancouver chose to return to its strange snowy winter. We called Harbour Air and they said that so far the flights were going out. As we walked around downtown, the wet snow did not seem to be letting up and we were getting covered in huge snowflakes and soaked. We returned to the hotel and called Harbour Air again. They told us that our flight was cancelled and there would be no replacement flights. The weather was too bad for the seaplanes to fly. Our only hope of getting out of Vancouver for under $800 (thanks to Canada's very, very, very expensive domestic flights) was to catch the ferry, but we had no car. I did not want a repeat of the dragging suitcases and falling on an escalator to the Canada Line, so we inquired about cabs and limos from the hotel. It turned out that a limo wasn't much more than a cab, so we ordered one to get out to the ferry. We couldn't believe it when a Lincoln Navigator was there to pick us up from the hotel. My husband and I had met exactly 10 years earlier in a chauffeur driven Lincoln Navigator on the way to a New Year's Eve party with mutual friends. And we capped off the decade by sitting in the back of a chauffeur driven Lincoln Navigator. Life works in mysterious ways. The vehicle was 10 years newer and we were 10 years older. Full circle, yet so much has changed.

Getting soaked in wet snow in Vancouver seems to be a recurring theme for our trips.

In the back of the Lincoln Navigator, 10 years old (and hopefully wiser).

At the ferry, we had to wait a while and the ferry was late leaving, but we cloistered ourselves in the SeaWest Lounge. My husband wondered if we should go and have a meal (we were into dinner range by this time), but I reminded him of the time that I had violent food poisoning from a BC Ferries meal and how I didn't want to risk food poisoning while now pregnant. He agreed. A ferry ride home got us to the door at about 7:30 PM. If we had taken the harbour flight we would have been home hours earlier, but at least we made it. We ordered in pizza and had a quiet New Year's Eve with our very meowy cat, who was happy to see us again.

Ten years since we met.

The cat was not impressed with the fireworks on New Year's Eve. I'm wearing my new cashmere robe in this shot and haven't gone a day without wearing it since Christmas when my husband gave it to me to replace my old and holey cashmere robe. That was my other favourite Christmas present.

My husband was off to Halifax again very early Monday morning.

Tuesday morning, I had blood tests for my thyroid and the second set for the IPS (the screening including two blood tests and an ultrasound to look for various disorders including Down Syndrome) I don't find out my results until I see Dr. Down next week.

More blood tests!

One of my new tunics from Vancouver.

At the endocrinologist's office on Wednesday, it was revealed that I had gained 2 kg or 4.4 lb in the one month since I had seen him last. He repeated again that I didn't have to gain ANY weight during this pregnancy. I told him that I was trying my best. He then said that he wasn't concerned about my weight gain, but that I didn't need to gain any weight during my pregnancy. Right. Well, for the first 14 weeks or so, I actually didn't gain any weight at all and in fact lost 0.2 pounds, but it seems that now I'm well into the second trimester, my  body is starting to gain some weight. Given that I'm pregnant this isn't surprising (at least it's not to me). And I did just come from the Christmas season, so food was different, more plentiful, and much more indulgent than normal for me.

With regard to my blood tests, my T4 level had dropped significantly and my TSH level was creeping back up (in other words going towards the hypothyroid range again, great for weight gain and feelings of depression and lack of energy, so this may further explain my weight gain and some of my feelings of continuing gloom). My endocrinologist said that my levothyroxine dose would have to be raised to 125 micrograms per day in order to put my thyroid levels back at optimal levels. My liothyronine dose will remain the same.

He also discussed how much treatment of thyroid disorders has changed during the course of his career and how we still don't really know how treatment of pregnant women for thyroid disorders has impacted the fetuses because there hasn't been a comprehensive study done of the IQ differences between the babies of women with hypothyroidism that weren't treated and women with well controlled hypothyroidism who were treated while pregnant (poorly controlled thyroid disorder in the mother can cause brain damage and IQ loss to the fetus).

He also told me that I need to try to bring my anxiety level down now that I'm well into my second trimester. Maybe now that the "festive" season is over this will be easier.

The endocrinologist called the fetus the conceptus. He didn't like our nickname of "the thing" or "the thing from the swamp." I tried to explain to him that since we don't know what it is and it's floating around in amniotic fluid, it kind of is the thing from the swamp right now (plus I find that by making it more funny and less personal, I can deal with the concept(us) better, because I'm still feeling really nervous about the possibility of things not working out and having another miscarriage, despite being into the much lower risk second trimester.)

I spent part of this week drafting a background document that my husband has to send to the ombudsperson who is trying to resolve our dispute with our insurance company, who is still refusing to pay the balance of our prescription drug costs from our fertility treatments (they have short changed us by about $6,500). Sadly, it doesn't surprise me that an insurance company would rip a policy holder off because I used to represent plaintiffs all the time against greedy, dishonest insurance companies who preferred to take premiums and then not pay policy holders what they were entitled to. I'm just pissed off that I have to spend the time doing this and have the increased stress, which isn't good for me, especially while pregnant. But I feel it's important to keep insurance companies on their toes, because if no one speaks up they will become increasingly dishonest and abusive towards policy holders, who are more vulnerable and not able to defend themselves.

The cat is really tiring of being smothered.

And now onto the rhinovirus. Monday, I had a terrible sore throat and stuffiness starting in the evening. Not surprisingly, Tuesday morning I woke up with a full blown cold. Colds suck worse now because I can't take any cold medication. Last time I was pregnant, I came down with an awful summer cold and was on the verge of getting a sinus infection when I had the miscarriage and was then able to take cold medications and decongest my sinuses. I am worried about the possibility of a sinus infection from this cold too, as I am really, really congested and all I can do is take some Tylenol and use saline spray and drink lots of fluids and eat and drink citrus fruits and other fruits and vegetables high in vitamin C. Plus, being really sick when you're living alone is awful. I know that I have no one to turn to if this worsens and I have do everything around here myself and I'm already so exhausted that I just feel like a reanimated corpse. Fortunately, my husband returns tonight, so I'll have someone to witness my misery and share my virus with (just kidding, I really don't wish this rhinovirus on anyone!).

So, so sick. Ugh I hate colds.

At least I have a companion who's always down to nap.

Today, I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment. My neck and shoulders and upper back have continued to be very tense and sore and my low back and pelvis are still going through something. I would have rather stayed home because I was feeling so awful from the cold, but I knew if I left the adjustment any longer, things would worsen. It doesn't help that I've had myself propped up on more pillows in bed, because I'm so congested. The chiropractor said that I'm very tense and that I should return in a week for another adjustment, but sooner if I have any numbness down my right arm again (I'm hoping that my neck has settled after that fall on the escalator though. I haven't felt any numbness in a week now).

With regard to physical and mental symptoms in general over the past two weeks, I would say that feelings of nausea have decreased, though some days I still feel pretty awful or I'll get short bouts of nausea usually when I've waited too long to eat or I've eaten too much or something too rich (indigestion seems to be happening more often now too), but the feelings of exhaustion have continued to be a real pain. While I did manage to get out for a few walks on the trip, including some quite long ones in Vancouver while shopping, I'm still feeling inordinately tired. I have noticed more nasal congestion (and my husband when around says more snoring). This is apparently normal from increased blood flow which makes the sinuses swell. Constipation still is a problem on and off, but with a high fibre diet, psyllium in the evening, and prune juice every day, it's generally better. On a positive note, I would say right now that my skin has settled down and is looking more clear. The breast tenderness is still pronounced and annoying. As I mentioned above, my body feels tense and sore. I find it difficult to get comfortable in bed and I know that's not going to improve. I'm still having very vivid dreams and a lot of nightmares, which sometimes startle me awake and leave me in a highly anxious state trying to settle back down to sleep for the next hour. With regard to my mental state, I feel slightly less anxious and depressed than a couple of weeks ago, but still not in a stable state. I suspect the lithium level is still not quite right and in any event, the stress of the holiday season, travelling, and continuing family strife is not conducive to feeling happy, stable, or calm. I am hopeful that my mood and anxiety level will improve.

The latest amaryllis in my collection put on a spectacular show.

And now the cat and I await my husband's return from back east. He'll be home for a few weeks probably, so hopefully he'll be able to come with me to the developmental ultrasound (18-20 weeks) if that happens before he leaves to go back east for work. I still have not received an appointment from the ultrasound clinic, so we'll see. Also upcoming, more blood tests, this time to measure my lithium level and kidney function for the perinatal psychiatrist, another appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist, ongoing and now monthly acupuncture, a monthly check in with my maternity doctor, Dr. Down, and another visit to the chiropractor. And I'll be going for an electrocardiogram or EKG/ECG of the fetus at Victoria General Hospital on January 27th.

The cat will be happy not to be the sole focus of my affection for a while.