The Past Ruling the Present, Being Afraid of the Future- Trying to Deal with a Past Miscarriage When You're Pregnant Again

Current mood . . .

A lot of people suffer from miscarriages. But they don't talk about it. That is unless you start to talk about it. Then people start emerging from the woodwork to tell you about the miscarriages that they have suffered from or those of someone close to them. I had no idea that so many people who I knew or was casually acquainted with had suffered from miscarriages in the past until I had one in June of this year.

While it's comforting to know that you're not alone when you've had a miscarriage and that people do survive miscarriages and even go on to have healthy children and seemingly normal and functional lives, it doesn't quite move you past the trauma of having suffered from a miscarriage. I never thought that I'd suffer from a miscarriage. I suppose that almost no one thinks that they ever will (unless you have a family history of it that is openly discussed and not hidden). I think that I took it even harder than I might have otherwise (if that's possible), because it had taken me so many years to become pregnant and at the age of 36 I knew that my time to have children was running out (and that my risk of miscarriage was rising with each passing month). Also, it was on the eve of getting IVF for the first time that I became pregnant naturally, so I felt enormous relief that I would be avoiding IVF. Well, as anyone who has been reading this blog knows, I did not avoid IVF in the end and in fact have now gone through a full cycle of IVF attempting to get pregnant for a second time (and hoping to actually have a baby this time).

I am pregnant now. I will be six week pregnant tomorrow. This fills me with terror. I should explain that my miscarriage in June started the day I would have been exactly six weeks pregnant. And the bleeding continued heavily for a week. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally shattered by the experience and continue to suffer from flashbacks to it.

Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm even more preoccupied with this trauma that I had tried to suppress and/or move past in the last few months. I cannot imagine having a second miscarriage, especially in the same year. I know that many women go through more than one miscarriage, but how do they survive it? How do they have the strength? I feel like I'm in such a fragile state now (copious amounts of hormones from not just the pregnancy, but also the hormone prescribed to me until week 9 of my pregnancy by my reproductive endocrinologist are no doubt not helping this emotional rollercoaster) that I would never survive if I had another miscarriage. And if I did have another miscarriage, I'd never be the same again (of course those who have read the Greek philosopher Heraclitus will remember his opinion that no one can ever step in the same river twice, we're different people each day, change is the only constant, etc.). I don't know if I'd ever get up the nerve to try to get pregnant again if I lost this pregnancy.

This IVF process has been a nightmare. I've now been on artificial hormones constantly for two months (but changing types and doses of hormones from week to week) and I feel utterly worn down physically, mentally, and emotionally. I know that we have five embryos stored and that I wouldn't have to go through a full cycle of IVF unless we used up every one of those frozen embryos first, but even in order to get a frozen embryo transfer done, one has to go on hormones, stay on hormones until one is pregnant for at least a couple of months, and go through the nail biting wait again to find out if one is pregnant, if one is going to stay pregnant, and whether or not the baby is healthy etc. Maybe it's just not meant to be.

But I have to bring it back to the present moment. I have to remind myself that I am safe in the present moment. I am trying to meditate and practice mindfulness, but this is a great challenge. Fear is a primal emotion that can easily take over especially when we are feeling exhausted, weak, vulnerable, and unwell. I certainly feel that right now. Hormones are making me even more prone to catastrophic thinking than I normally am.

I am probably still pregnant. I feel absolutely wretched and that's probably not all the prescribed hormones (progesterone and estradiol). They say it's a good sign to feel crappy in early pregnancy. Also, I have not had any bleeding. My hCG numbers doubled appropriately and started from a very good number. My endocrinologist is carefully managing my thyroid levels. I have excellent care from a reproductive endocrinologist who has 30 years of experience with IVF. I have followed all the instructions. I have been resting, eating well, sleeping as much as I can, and taking all the medications as prescribed.

But I won't find out till November 10th when I have my first ultrasound if there is actually a heartbeat. Maybe there won't be a heartbeat. Maybe the pregnancy was false or I have miscarried again. This is such an agonizing wait. And I think it's made worse by not having any children, being older, being constantly reminded of my high chances of a miscarriage (20-25%), and the fact that I've had a miscarriage in the past. I also don't think it's helped by the fact that I have gone through a two month hormone laden journey getting IVF and it's not even over yet (three more weeks and one day of hormones left). It's expensive (well over $14,000 now and our insurance company is refusing to reimburse my prescriptions so my husband is having to fight with them about this just to add to the stress)), it's stressful, it's alien, and almost no one understands what it's actually like. I've never felt more alone in my life. I have met some lovely people through social media on IVF.ca in the VFC 2016 chat board, but it's not the same as actually being able to talk to people in person (the only person I've been able to do this with is Stephanie from Elements of Health who does my acupuncture).

My husband just returned from a business trip the night before last. He was only gone a few days, but when I found out that he might be leaving again soon for another trip and having to take regular trips for the next two and half months perhaps every week, I felt really upset. It's not that I can't handle being alone, it's that I've never felt more alone in my life (and he's the closest person to me in this infertility nightmare because we're both sharing in the pain of being a childless couple when we always wanted children). This infertility journey has been the loneliest one I've ever taken. And it's not because no one has offered love or support, it's because no one knows what it feels like and I just feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore (even my husband doesn't know what it feels like to be on mind warping artificial hormones for two months and counting, having painful medical procedures for IVF repeatedly, get tests all the time, to have suffered physically from a miscarriage, and to be pregnant for a second time not knowing if I'll have a second miscarriage).

I get that I can't control the future and there's nothing that I can do that I haven't already done already to prevent a miscarriage, but this helplessness is an awful feeling. It is terrible to sit with this discomfort and to try to accept that I am helpless. When people have had a childhood where they lacked stability, the feeling of helpless is probably an even worse feeling than it is for those who had stability.

This past week I have been plagued with even more physical wretchedness and a deeper feeling of gloom. Progesterone can cause depression and I'm getting more than my fair share due to the prescribed twice a day dose of Endometrin (progesterone) on top of the pregnancy produced progesterone. I'm sure the Estrace (estradiol) isn't helping either. This isn't just a "normal" pregnancy due to the added hormones because of the IVF.

The cat's expression sums up my mood lately.

As soon as last Friday hit (5 weeks pregnant), my feelings of nausea, gas pains, food aversions, and sense of smell increased a lot (I had to leave a supermarket on Saturday because some smell in there was making me sick). I feel absolutely grotesque. I had to ask the Victoria Fertility Centre if I could take Simethicone or not to help with the horrible gas pains that had me doubled over in agony and were interfering with my sleep earlier this week. I was allowed to take it and it seems to have  helped and the gas pains seem to have decreased now. This process is just so uncomfortable in every way.

Prune juice, Metamucil, and gas relief pills . . . ah life is grand.

The dizziness, low blood pressure, unsteadiness, and terrible headaches continue to plague me. I feel irritable, depressed, and anxious. The Dexamethasone withdrawal is making me achy, stiff, sore, and wretched. Generally, I feel like an old grouch.

Just leave me alone.

I went for acupuncture yesterday. I am still going for weekly hour long session with Stephanie at Elements of Health. These sessions are supposed to support my pregnancy and help alleviate some of the symptoms of pregnancy and the side effects of the drugs that I'm on because I had IVF. There is a big bruise on my chest from one of the needles last week, other than that I haven't had any bruises from acupuncture. The human body is pretty amazing. With all of those blood vessels and capillaries, I don't know how people don't bleed to death or at least bruise more often. She put the needles in my lower legs to connect to the meridians that support the uterus, needles in my chest to help with anxiety, one needle in my very upper stomach to help with the upsurge in energy in my stomach (and associated heartburn, gas pains, nausea, constipation, etc.), and needles in my head for lifting and holding the pregnancy.

Before I got onto the acupuncture table and cried my eyes out thinking about my last miscarriage and the possibility of another one.

You can see the bruise on my chest from my last acupuncture session a week ago, as well as needles in my head and chest.

On hearing that I was suffering from worse nausea, Stephanie suggested that we try the points on my inner forearms again that had bothered me last time (I'm one of those people with a shallow nerve in that area that doesn't like being poked by a needle- but that's the best point in the body for nausea), but instead of using a needle, she would try a tack this time. It's not as horrifying as it sounds, they're like the seeds that acupuncturists use on ears, but they have a tiny point on them that sticks into the skin a bit and then a bit of bandaid-like tape over that holds it onto your skin. I said I'd give it a try since I was barely keeping it together at that point (I was sweating from the waves of nausea by the time I entered her office). The one on my left arm had to be removed at the end of our session, because it was really bothering me, but I left the one on my right forearm on. She said it could be left on as long as it didn't bother me for even a few days. This afternoon after a shower it fell off and I'm not fussed because I don't know if it helped me that much and it was feeling painful and itchy on and off, so maybe it was time for it to come off. I had a slight red pinprick mark on my right inner arm where it had been.

The little bandaid thing on my forearm has a tack under it sticking into me.

At the bottom of the picture a slight red mark shows where the tack was sticking for about 24 hours.

The tack up close.

Exactly two weeks from today, my husband and I will be having our first ultrasound hoping to hear our baby's heartbeat (I will hopefully be seven weeks and six days pregnant by then). I only hope that we will hear a heartbeat and not the sound of our dreams of ever having a child shattering further. It's very hard not to let your past rule your present and make you fear the future.

I just want to sleep away this uncertainty, unfortunately my sleep is still not very good. Luckily, I have the cat as inspiration.