I've split this post into three parts, as there are so many different things that I have not appreciated hearing from people during this agonizing, stressful, and drawn out process of trying to have a baby with the uncomforting and confusing diagnosis of unexplained infertility. This is the last of the three parts.
I've put brief observations on how each comment has impacted me, but many, if not most should be (but aren't always) self-evident. The thing about infertility is that it's a hyper-emotional topic that makes people irrational (not just the people experiencing infertility, but those around them as well). I wish that a lot of these things had never been said to me or to my husband and me, but I hope that by putting them out there, I can help other people to know that they're not alone in having experienced this kind of insensitivity towards their infertility or fertility struggles. I also hope to help others who know someone with infertility to not be so insensitive towards them. But this is not an exhaustive list of what not to say. I've read some even worse comments, made to people suffering from infertility, on the internet.
Diminishment of the Feelings and Self Worth of Someone with Infertility
31. Well, you can always JUST adopt.
This comment is horrible on more than one level. It diminishes the feelings and dreams of the person who is trying to have a baby of their own and it makes children who are up for adoption sound like they are just pathetic consolation prizes or a backup plan (which they most certainly are not). And in any event, if someone is in the middle of getting IVF or some other kind of fertility treatment, they don't need to be contemplating what they'll do if the treatment fails (or fails repeatedly). They just need to stay focused on the task at hand, the present moment, not the distant and potentially scary future. No doubt adoption works well for some people who can't have children of their own, but it's none of your business to raise it (or to offer the opinion that you'd adopt when you have children of your own already, this is comparing apples to oranges- it's my life, not yours).
32. Well, at least you can afford to get IVF.
I've touched on this above in the comment that getting IVF costs way less than raising a child. Making someone feel like they SHOULD feel grateful for being able to afford IVF just diminishes their suffering. Yes, they are fortunate in some ways, but they are very unfortunate in other ways. Most people will never know what it's like to pay for IVF ($10,000-$15,000 or more per cycle, more than one cycle may be needed, hence financial strain for a lot of people) and then suffer through the physical and emotional strain (learning to inject yourself, being on multiple hormones and drugs for months on end, worrying that it won't work, the potential for it not to work, the real and high potential for a miscarriage after everything if you're "lucky" enough to get pregnant, the waiting, the uncertainty, helplessness watching your partner suffer through the process, hearing asshole comments from insensitive family members and friends while you're in the process, etc.). Undergoing IVF has been one of the most unpleasant and difficult processes I have ever been through in my life (and I've had over a dozen surgeries and more than one stay in a psychiatric facility). And the worst part is that it's not even over yet. So far I've paid $14,000 for this privilege. I know there are others out there who can't afford to pay for IVF or other fertility treatments (and these treatments are not covered in Canada under our "great" public health system), but I just don't need the stress of considering how many other people out there are suffering through this heartbreaking condition of infertility and how they might not be able to afford to do anything (as a statistic, 70% of people in the US who get IVF go into debt to afford it). This will only increase my suffering (and it's a pointless guilt trip), not make me feel better.
33. You're lucky to be able to get IVF.
This is basically the same as above. Yeah, I'm glad I can afford it (but if it fails repeatedly and I have to go through several cycles of IVF, maybe I won't be able to afford it anymore and then I won't be so "lucky" anymore), but I'm not lucky. First of all, luck doesn't exist and has no scientific basis. Secondly, I do not feel "lucky" to be sticking needles in my abdomen loaded with hormones, prodding my body into a most unnatural and tortured stated, and paying $14,000 and counting for a small chance of getting pregnant (28% of a live birth at my age). Others are "lucky" that they didn't have to go through IVF or other fertility treatments. Don't diminish my feelings of fear, grief, and longing for a baby with comments (and a stupid guilt trip) like this.
34. You're lucky that IVF was invented.
As above, yes, we live in an exciting time where science has allowed millions to become parents who would otherwise either have had to adopt or never have children of their own. But IVF is not a process that makes one feel like they've won the lottery (it's more equivalent to feeling like you've been hit by lightning twice, which is still more likely than winning the lottery). Most people will never understand what it's like to go through IVF or other fertility treatments. It's not easy, glamorous, cheap, fast, or certain. It takes an incredible toll on the body, the mind, the couple (if it is a couple doing it, I can't imagine how it would be to go through this alone, but there are women who do), and their bank account. And luck is such a dumb thing to tack onto any comment. Luck is a myth. IVF is science. Unless you've been through IVF or some other complex and agonizing fertility treatment, you have no business making this comment. You're lucky that you didn't have to go through IVF, so there.
35. Well, maybe having children is just not a part of your life's plan and future/ you can do other things like charity work or travelling the world.
This type of a comment really makes me want to tell the person saying it to take a long walk on a short pier. I'll decide what my life is going to be and you just get to witness it, not tell me what it's going to be. That's what being an adult is about. You're not a doctor or a therapist, so just stay out of it. Yeah, travelling around the world aimlessly like a broken Carmen Sandiego or holding charity benefits for kittens is really going to fill that hole left in me if I never have the children that I always wanted to have. If you're going to make comments like this, just keep your mouth shut. It will only make the person suffering from infertility feel worse. And they don't need to consider the (potentially bleak) future while they're trying to concentrate on the present, going through difficult, agonizing, and physically exhausting and uncomfortable fertility treatments. Just let the person be safe in the present moment and be mindful of what they are currently experiencing. The present is overwhelming for someone suffering from infertility, considering the future will just drive them towards the edge of the cliff that they already feel like jumping over.
36. At least you've got a niece(s)/ nephew(s)/ being an aunt/uncle is the best job ever, it's way better than being a parent.
This is a really asshole comment to make to someone who has always wanted to have children of their own. Being an aunt or uncle is not the same as being a parent. If someone has always wanted to have children of their own, it in fact can be very painful being around a sibling's child or children, knowing that you may never have any of your own (and after you've wanted children for so long, this pain is acute). Your sibling's children will look at least somewhat like your children would look like (you are 25% genetically related after all). Seeing this window into a future that might never happen can make your throat close up and hot tears sting your eyes (and you have to pretend to be okay for your sibling and your parents who will see you as churlish for being jealous of your sibling for having a child/children). Being an aunt or uncle will not fill the hole left by infertility for a lot of people, so don't make it seem like it will.
37. Well, you were only six weeks pregnant, so that makes it easier (that you just had a miscarriage of the only baby you've ever managed to get pregnant with).
Unbelievably, I actually has this comment made to me after I had my miscarriage this June. This was my first pregnancy ever and though I had tried to not get my hopes up too much when I found out that I was pregnant, of course I couldn't help but feel excited and overjoyed that I might finally be a mother (and without IVF). When I miscarried when I was six weeks pregnant (and only a while after finding out that I was pregnant and the IVF cycle that I had scheduled was cancelled because of the miraculous pregnancy) I was beyond devastated. I am still devastated. I can't even describe the pain of this death. It's the worst death I've ever experienced in my life. The length of the pregnancy doesn't make it any easier to miscarry, so don't ever make this comment to anyone. Most especially, this comment is going anger and sadden someone who has suffered from a miscarriage after years of struggling with infertility (don't make any comment at all about miscarriages except to give your love and compassion especially if you have never suffered from a miscarriage and infertility.) Even then if you have suffered from both infertility and a miscarriage, don't make any comment like this, not just because it's an awful thing to say, but because this might have been the persons' one and only pregnancy and they might never have the children that they have always wanted (and you if managed to go on to have children after your miscarriage, you're going to look cold for diminishing their feelings of grief). A kind ear and lots of love and also space for the person who is grieving (because they might not want to be around anyone or talk to anyone for a long time) is what is best in my experience.
38. A miscarriage is just nature's way of wiping out a mistake/ it's better that you had a miscarriage than an unhealthy baby/ we all get many chances in life, this won't be your last/ well that's too bad, want do go out to lunch today (as in the day I started miscarrying)?
All of these comments were said to me during or after my miscarriage. They don't help, even if some of them might be technically true or hopefully true (in the case of getting more than one chance). You don't want to hear any of this when you've just lost the only baby that you've ever been pregnant with. I bled for a week solid when I was miscarrying. Out of all of the surgeries I've ever had, I've never lost this much blood in my life. I thought that I was going to die not just from physical toll that the miscarriage took, but from the excruciating emotional pain that I couldn't make go away. The pain, the physical strain, the mental anguish, the despair, the complete absence of any hope for the future almost killed me. These comments just made the pain of the miscarriage hurt all the more. I eventually went from hiding at home and dodging these insensitive phone calls to running away to my parents in law across the province and then away to Europe, trying to flee from the worst pain that I have ever experienced in my life. As I sit here writing about this comment, I am sobbing inconsolably. I don't think that the pain will ever fully leave me. It was incredible to me how much people could try to diminish my pain and act like it was no big deal. I would say that it's better to just send flowers or call the person and tell them that you're there to listen when and if they want to talk about it (but they may still be too devastated to talk about it, so don't force them.) Trying to paint a silver lining onto a miscarriage is an asshole move.
39. You should be grateful for your health/ the life that you have even if you can't have children, etc..
This comment doesn't help. It's a guilt trip. It's pointless. Leave it unsaid. I don't need to be lectured about what I SHOULD feel grateful for. I feel devastated that I don't have any children, that my only pregnancy ever ended in a miscarriage, that I have to watch everyone around me having children effortlessly and then listen to them whining about it. You shouldn't try to diminish those feelings of grief and hopelessness in me. Why not just lend a compassionate ear or if you can't do that, then just shut the fuck up.
40. I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Unless you've been through the same type of infertility struggle, in similar circumstances, with similar treatments, and a similar diagnosis and prognosis and outcome, you have no idea what it feels like. Saying that you do diminishes the feelings and suffering of the person with infertility. You can have compassion and sympathy, but very few people will be able to know exactly how the person feels or have true empathy, because even though infertility problems seem to be more widespread than we ever thought (at least 15% of the population), variations in those disorders and the treatments chosen and the outcome achieved create an endless variety of feelings in the people suffering from the various conditions (especially because we're all different and we all react differently to adversity, triumph, defeat, etc.).
41. Well at least you're not diabetic and don't have to inject yourself for the rest of your life.
I received this comment more than once, when I had to inject myself 2-4 times a day with hormones for a few weeks leading up to my egg retrieval in my first cycle of IVF. It's technically true, but stating this fact doesn't make the person feel better. Why not just say they've been brave or courageous for giving themselves injections for weeks when they had never touched a needle in their life before that? Leave it at that. Diminishing someone's suffering just makes them feel worse (and makes them resent you too).
Failures of Fertility Logic
42. Wow, I got pregnant the first month I tried/ I can't believe you've been trying that long and you're not even pregnant yet.
This is just going to make the person suffering from infertility feel worse. It doesn't help. And just because it takes one person only one month to get pregnant, that doesn't mean that other people will be so lucky (or unlucky if they didn't want children, I suppose). One size does not fit all. We're all different. Our bodies are all different and no one who's already "failing" to get pregnant wants to be made to feel like an even bigger underachiever.
43. I never had trouble getting pregnant with any of my children/ you shouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant (you're young, healthy, etc.)/ I wonder why you're having trouble?
You're not a doctor, everyone is different, and your comments are not helping someone who is suffering from infertility. Comparisons rarely make people feel better, nor are they particularly helpful. Why not just lend a compassionate ear. Sometimes even a doctor can't explain why someone can't get pregnant, as in our case, unexplained infertility. Infertility just is.
Smug Advice From People Who Are Already Parents or Pregnant and Like to Whine About It
44. You're having trouble sleeping on the drugs for IVF? Wait until you have children!
This kind of smug comment make me want to scream. If you've never been on the drugs prescribed for IVF and have never gone through the process of IVF, you have no reasonable grounds for making a comment like this. The drugs make you feel absolutely awful, they ruin your sleep or make you sleep all the time, they make you feel nothing like yourself (unless you're in the lucky minority who feel okay or better than usual on the hormones and drugs), and it will be a challenge just to make it through each day, let alone one cycle of IVF (or potentially several cycles of IVF). Don't compare it to having children. This is especially insensitive considering that the IVF may not work and the person may still never have children. Just hold your tongue or perhaps offer them words of compassion or sympathy for their insomnia (and don't try to compete by saying that yours with your baby or children is worse- it's not a competition and this won't help them).
45. You should be exercising, etc. more/ when I was pregnant I went to the gym all the time, you're just on hormones for IVF/ you're not even pregnant, so you should be totally working out.
IVF is not pregnancy and pregnancy is not IVF. You can't compare them, so just don't. Some days when you're in the process of IVF, it's an achievement just to get out of bed, brush your teeth, and wash your face. IVF is grueling, taxing, stressful, and it's a miracle that the body can survive it. Today, every time I've stood up, I've been so faint, I've been barely able to move. I keep seeing stars and falling into things all floppy and unstable. My body feels shattered after six weeks of hormones and I'm not even done one cycle yet. Plus at this point in the process, I'm not allowed to exercise. There are a lot prohibitions on exercising or types of exercise or how much weight you can pick up in the various stages of IVF. IVF is not pregnancy, so don't try to guilt someone who's going through IVF into behaving as you did when you were naturally pregnant. And by the way you're not a doctor. If you've never had IVF and taken the drugs required for a full cycle of IVF, then don't comment on what it feels like, because you have absolutely no idea. Even if you have been through IVF before, everyone reacts differently to the hormones and drugs and various procedures throughout the process, so lecturing someone about how they SHOULD feel or what they SHOULD be doing is useless and tasteless and won't help the person who is undergoing IVF.
46. I didn't even swell up like that till my third trimester and you haven't even had the embryo transfer done yet!
Yeah, well guess what, it's also not normal for the human body to be injected with and ingesting tons of hormones for months on end (or years on end if you go through several cycles of IVF) as it does through a cycle of IVF. IVF is not pregnancy and pregnancy is not IVF. You can't compare them, so just don't. I feel grotesque and I don't need to be made to feel like even more of freak than I already feel. Many people undergoing IVF already feel like failures or broken women, they don't need to be made to feel even less appealing, attractive, or whole by someone who has managed to have children the "old fashioned way."
47. Well, we didn't really plan on having children, but oh well, we'll just make the best of it.
No one who's suffering from infertility wants to hear you complain about the timing or fact of your pregnancy. When someone has tried to get pregnant for so long and hasn't been able to, they are devastated every time they find out that someone else has become pregnant (especially if it is effortless or unplanned or unwanted and even if they like the person). Just leave out that fact and spare their feelings. Just hearing about anyone's pregnancy (regardless of the circumstances) will likely make the person suffering from infertility feel at least some sadness, hopelessness, and desolation. The world is a totally unfair place and this doesn't need to be pointed out even more to anyone suffering from infertility.
48. You should be enjoying this time that you have together without children/ you won't have any time together, money to do what you want, won't be able to travel, etc., when you have children.
We've wanted to have children for over six years and we still don't have any. We always planned on having children. The night that my husband and I met, we discussed names for our future children (strange perhaps, but that goal of having children was very important to both of us when we met and we weren't into wasting time with the wrong people anymore, we just clicked). That was ten years ago this New Year's Eve. And we still don't have any children that we can give the names that we discussed that night. It's hard to enjoy anything right now with the stress that we're under dealing with unexplained infertility, having had a miscarriage earlier this year, and undergoing our first (very costly) cycle of IVF. Other than my acupuncturist, I know no one who has ever been through the process of IVF, so no one should be making these stupid flippant comments to me. Besides, that $14,000 that we could have used to take another trip to French Polynesia to relive our honeymoon, we just spent on IVF (and we may be shelling out more soon). So, I guess we're just grounded here in our reality for now (and in any event, we don't want to act like everything is fine and dandy when we feel sad- realistic is better than flakily positive).
Well, that's about all I can think of for stupid comments that have been said to me (and my husband and me) over the course of this infertility nightmare (I'm sure there are others that I've blissfully forgotten). I wish that I could forget about a lot of these comments (if not all of them- some still anger and upset me a lot) or that I had never heard them to begin with. These comments were not helpful and just stressed me out or angered me or made me more sad than I was already feeling. Sometimes the best thing to do for someone who is suffering is just to be there if they want to talk (but they may not want to talk and that's okay too) and just let kind silence and compassion be your gift. No one wants your lectures, so just save them for your dog or cat (who can ignore them with a witheringly contemptuous look).
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