I've split this post into three parts, as there are so many different things that I have not appreciated hearing from people during this agonizing, stressful, and drawn out process of trying to have a baby with the uncomforting and confusing diagnosis of unexplained infertility.
I've put brief observations on how each comment has impacted me, but many, if not most should be (but aren't always) self-evident. The thing about infertility, is that it's a hyper-emotional topic that makes people irrational (not just the people experiencing infertility, but those around them as well). I wish that a lot of these things had never been said to me or to my husband and me, but I hope that by putting them out there, I can help other people to know that they're not alone in having experienced this kind of insensitivity. I also hope to help others who know someone with infertility to not be so insensitive towards them. But this is not an exhaustive list. I've read some even worse comments, made to people suffering from infertility, on the internet.
Psychobabble/Unproven/ Unhelpful psychologically themed Advice/ Free Shrink
18. Just relax and it will happen.
Yes, stress does contribute to problems conceiving a baby for some people, but it doesn't for others. Sometimes there is just no explanation. There are people who suffer from unexplained infertility, like us. This diagnosis means that no one, not even the reproductive endocrinologist, knows why the couple can't get pregnant. Just relaxing (which we've done many times, even taking up meditation practice, going for beautiful vacations, exercising, reading together, having massages and acupuncture, etc.) is likely not going to make it happen, because it hasn't so far, so get off of our backs. And you're not an expert, so don't act like you are. We're following medical advice from a specialist and this is much more likely to net results for us given our diagnosis than your platitude.
19. Think positively/ obviously you're being too negative/ you're a bad potential host for a baby and that's why you can't get pregnant (insert assorted psychobabble).
This has come from many sources. I find this one of the most irritating comments I've received over the past several years of trying to get pregnant. It's hard to be all positive when you have tried for years to get pregnant, have always wanted children, are beginning to realize that you may never have any, and you just had a miscarriage a few months ago that many people have sought to minimize because you were ONLY six weeks pregnant (more on that in Part 3). It's hard to feel hope, joy, or anything positive when month after month you fail to conceive and your only pregnancy ever ended in a miscarriage. A counsellor once suggested to me that perhaps I was a bad potential host for a baby because of my negative energy and that I needed to clear my energy in order to get pregnant. Whatever! Yes, depression, anxiety, and stress can impact fertility, but there's also people who have no explanation for their fertility problems (unexplained infertility- this includes me), who are trying to be positive, but can't help but feel sad and empty every month when they get their period yet again (and still feel devastated over their only pregnancy, which ended in a miscarriage). Besides, what is positive? Realistic is better. Burying your head in the sand and not taking realistic action (like seeing a specialist) is worse. If you want to help someone be more positive, why not lend them a compassionate ear and let them talk about how they are feeling through their infertility ordeal (if they want to talk about it). Having compassion is better than getting on some high psychobabble horse and lecturing people about what they SHOULD be doing (especially if you have never suffered from infertility and therefore don't know what the hell you're talking about).
20. Maybe it's just not the right time to have children (insert other mystical, superstitious stuff here about plans and fates).
Yes, maybe it will be a better time to have children when we're 80 years old. Don't ever tell someone when the right time is for them to have children. It's not like we're two underage layabouts deciding on a whim to get pregnant because we want a new fashion accessory or we're bored. We've both done advanced degrees at university and have worked for years, we're in our mid thirties, this is our last chance to have children, and we've always wanted them (and have been trying to have them for years, this is nothing new). You had children younger than me (everyone who has said this to me), so don't lecture me about just "being patient" and waiting. And I don't believe in fate or life's plans from some mystical source, so don't use this as a basis for your argument. If I want children now, then it's my right time.
21. Don't worry so much.
Well, that's easy for you to say. This is an incredibly stupid thing to say to someone who is going through the worst time or one of the worst times in their life. It's incredibly insensitive. "Gee you might never have children when you always planned to have children and you have no idea what you'll do with your life instead, but don't worry about it." It's impossible not to worry about the present and the future when you're suffering from infertility. I'd say it's probably even worse with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I mean if the doctors can't even explain why you can't get pregnant, then how are they going to ever fix it? Whether or not one has children is a HUGE part of anyone's life, so naturally there will be some concern and worry attached to this very important and life changing topic. Lecturing someone doesn't help them to worry less or relax more, it does the opposite (especially when you have children and have never suffered from infertility and don't know what you're talking about- yeah, you have nothing to worry about because you already have the children that you always wanted, that makes me feel just great).
22. Don't worry, everything will work out. I know that it will (insert other psychic, irrational babble here).
I know that you're not psychic. I've known you for a long time. If you were psychic, you'd be rich and powerful and you're not. In any event, I don't believe that anyone is psychic. You don't know what my life will turn out to be like, whether or not I'll ever have children, etc.. So don't say that you do. I know that you're trying to be comforting, but it's not comforting. It's just annoying. It diminishes my feelings of fear and grief surrounding my infertility. Things might not work out and then I'll have to deal with this. What are you going to say if things don't work out in the end? "Oops I was wrong, you're fucked." Just lend a compassionate ear and tell the person that you love them and that you can't even imagine what they're going through. Enough said. If I want a crap prediction, I'll call a psychic hotline.
23. Just have faith (and other related irrational babble).
"Faith." Ahh yes, that thing that's becoming even more important in certain areas of the world, as the focus on education slips away. There is no science behind this comment. Granted there are different types of faith. For instance, I have faith that if I follow a specialist's instructions that I'll have a better chance of getting pregnant than I would otherwise (because the scientific literature from testing backs this up), but I have no way of knowing if I ever will get pregnant (I only have odds) or if I'll ever carry the baby to term or if the baby will be healthy. This is unknowable. To everyone. Just having a vague sense of faith that things will work out is unrealistic and I think potentially damaging, because it can lead to the head in the sand behaviour that I referred to earlier. Sometimes action has to be taken like seeking out the help of a specialist, because faith just doesn't cut it (and as I said in Part 1, what if something is really wrong like uterine or ovarian cancer and that's what's causing the infertility- go and have a specialist check you out just in case rather than ignoring the problem and just having "faith" that everything will work itself out).
Making Infertility a Really, Really Unfunny Joke
24. You do know how to "do it," don't you (snicker, snicker) ?!
Yeah, hilarious. I've been married eight years and I'm 36.5 years old and I don't know how to have sex. Diminishing the feelings of someone suffering from infertility for years who can't have a baby is just cruel. It's not funny. It never will be. And if this is your best material, don't take up stand up comedy.
25. Well, you have been "doing it," haven't you (chuckle, chuckle)!?
So hilarious! When someone's been married eight years and has been trying to get pregnant (and you know this) for years, they've evidently been "doing it." Especially when you've heard that they have a diagnosis of unexplained infertility (ie. even the doctor doesn't know why the hell they can't get pregnant), they don't need to be made to feel like a failure, a joke, or a fool. This is not funny at all. Drop it and try to have compassion for the person in front of you who is suffering from one of the worst and most heartbreaking problems that they will ever face in their entire life.
Misconceptions About Infertility/ Myths
26. Just have sex more often/ obviously you're not "doing it" often enough.
Sometimes people conceive a baby from having sex once (sometimes even while on birth control or with a condom). Sometimes it takes many times, months, years, and sometimes it never happens. And there's a point at which having sex too often can decrease sperm quality (in other words, having sex constantly can harm your chances of getting pregnant, especially if your sperm is of a certain quality and quantity, morphology, etc.). You're not a reproductive endocrinologist, so don't try to make people feel guilty/pathetic/like failures, etc. for how often they may or may not being having sex. Sometimes there is no apparent reason why people can't get pregnant (unexplained infertility). And by the way, people who suffer from infertility are sick of having to have sex a lot, at particular times of the month, not when they choose to or feel like it, and are very, very stressed out by the whole process. Years of trying to have a baby will inevitably grate on most people. People suffering from infertility don't need your useless and ill informed two cents. Enough from the peanut gallery.
27. People who don't have children are weird/ immature/ selfish/ self-centred/ indulgent/ never discover the meaning of life/ never contribute to society.
I've heard variations of this from a variety of people since I was a child and now that I'm faced with the prospect of perhaps never having children, I am terrified that I will be tarred with this same brush and judged so harshly by the majority of society. Having experienced infertility, I can now feel an incredible empathy and compassion to those without children and can't believe the lack of compassion from people who have children and can never understand what it's like to not be able to have any children even when you desperately want them (but it's fine to not want children either- your worth should not depend on whether or not you produce offspring in this day and age). Have compassion for others, rather than being a judgmental jackass. People who you know without children may have wanted to have them, but for some reason were not able to. You're not better than someone else just by virtue of the fact that you have children. Stereotypes about childless people really need to be revisited with a compassion and kindness; that would vastly improve our society.
28. Just relax and it will happen.
This is a variation on one of the comments about worrying. Relaxation means different things to different people and no doubt it helps some cases of infertility, but it doesn't help others. And people who have been down the infertility road for this long probably have tried some form of relaxation technique, including things like meditation, yoga, stretching, reading for pleasure, hot baths (not for men), exercise, vacations, acupuncture, massage therapy, hobbies, etc. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Lecturing someone to relax or telling them that they're doing it wrong or that if they do it they'll definitely get pregnant is not helpful. Just back off.
29. My "Great Aunt Tilly" [insert whatever mythical family member or friend here] had a kid when she was 100 years old, you could too/ you have plenty of time left.
No one wants to hear about your bitch of an aunt who somehow managed to have a baby in as unlikely a way as the Virgin Mary. This almost never happens. 36.5 years old is old in fertility terms. My time to have children is rapidly dwindling. Don't diminish my feelings of fear and grief at still not having a child at a time when I was sure that I would have one or two already. And just because one person can get pregnant when their aged, doesn't mean that someone else can too. More failures of fertility logic to follow below in Part 3.
30. It will happen when you stop trying.
This doesn't make sense and it's not true. Yes, perhaps being too obsessed with fertility can create stress, which then leads to further infertility, but generally, you have to be having sex, around the right time, and somewhat often enough to have a baby if you are trying to have one and especially if you have fertility challenges. And if you suffer from infertility, this will often not work either. In any event, it's tough for someone who's been trying for years to conceive to just give up and stop trying. Every month is a further drop in fertility for a woman (and even for men) and a higher chance of a miscarriage. At some point, a person has to decide to get help from a specialist if they're ever going to get pregnant (if they have a fertility problem not resolved by more simple means). Dismissing someone's feelings will just make them feel more upset and angry. Plus, suggesting that they just ignore the problem, instead of seeking help, is the head in the sand problem I referred to earlier, which certainly does not help most people who are suffering from infertility. Action is this case is probably must more fruitful than inaction.
I
will continue the list tomorrow with the final installment, Part 3.
No comments:
Post a Comment