Seven Weeks Pregnant- The Highs and The Lows

Current mood . . .

Today, I am seven weeks pregnant. It's been a very up and down week emotionally (and event the dizziness and nausea has been up and down with no predictability). Since it's been eight days since my last post, I thought I'd post an update.

Last Friday, when I woke up and found that I wasn't bleeding, I couldn't believe it. I was six weeks pregnant, the longest I have ever been pregnant (my miscarriage in June started on the day I was supposed to be six weeks pregnant). Relief flooded me. Yes, I was only halfway through the first trimester (when most, but not all miscarriages occur), but I was one step closer to actually having a baby.

Over the weekend though, my mood deteriorated. I became depressed and anxious again (the hormones are known to do this and I'm getting extra of progesterone and estradiol from taking Endometrin and Estrace by prescription). Then my mood dropped even more. I became darker than storm clouds gathering over an angry sea. I ruminated on the fact that there was nothing saying that I couldn't miscarry twice in the same year, this time at a later gestation point than before. I also knew that my husband would likely be leaving on another business trip in the upcoming week. I felt really, really bleak and alone. And the panic attacks came back to roost.

Weekend mood.

I have been feeling quite alone through this whole journey. Firstly, I don't personally know anyone who has ever had any fertility treatments, so I feel like an alien (the only person I've ever met- who's admitted to having fertility treatments at least- is my acupuncturist). Secondly, it's been a really bad year, which has completely shaken my confidence to the core (from signing up for IVF for the first time to a miscarriage to having to sign up for IVF a second time and actually go through IVF to having our claim for the prescription drugs required for IVF denied by our insurance company so far to family discord and friends who have abandoned me in my time of need). Thirdly, no matter how sympathetic anyone I know is, they still can't relate to what I'm going through, not even my darling husband, who is once removed from this whole pregnant/miscarriage/IVF/pregnant for the second time in a year thing (I mean that the trauma is happening to my body not his). Even well meaning family members who try to tell me what pregnancy was like for them, just don't get that I'm not going through a "normal" pregnancy, because I'm on bucket-loads of hormones on top of being pregnant, so it magnifies everything (more dizziness, headaches, mood swings, bloating, etc.), I'm worn down from being on a hormone rollercoaster for over two months, and that IVF does not result in a "normal" pregnancy experience for these reasons (plus who pays around $15,000 to get pregnant normally? Oh, and the insurance company denying almost two thirds of that cost, which are the prescription drugs that they promised to pay for under our insurance policy and now they suddenly have a problem with paying up- not that I'm surprised since I used to do plaintiff insurance litigation when I was a lawyer and I saw this time of bullshit all the time). Plus I'm going through this pregnancy right after the miscarriage that I suffered in June and the wounds are still fresh. I am really scared.

I have found some comfort in reading the "VFC 2016" thread of the IVF.ca boards and contributing to it is as well. This particular board is full of people from all over the west of Canada who attend the Victoria Fertility Centre for fertility treatments and share in each other's triumphs and tragedies. It's a very supportive place. IVF.ca has boards for different clinics and different categories as well, but I have only been reading and participating on the VFC 2016 thread. I am just grateful to find that I am not alone in having to go through this infertility journey. It seems a little less daunting when I remind myself that I'm not alone even if I feel it.

After a meltdown from Sunday into Monday morning, my mood leveled out pretty well again. My husband left Wednesday morning on a business trip and I went to acupuncture for my weekly treatment. For about one hour (we cut it short this last time because I had to pee so badly- another pregnancy/ prescription hormone side effect) I lie around on a table with needles sticking out of my head (about six this time), chest, upper stomach, and lower legs. She also put the tacks in my inner forearms again for nausea. I left those in, but one of them came out an hour later. The other one is still in (secured with a Band-Aid, so it doesn't move around and feel as irritating- I'm not sure if it's helping as I've been having some really nauseous days this week).

Ready to get poked full of needles again.

This morning, I kept expecting to find that I was bleeding. It seemed too good to be true that I am seven weeks pregnant. But no bleeding occurred, so maybe I am still pregnant. I still feel wretched, nauseous, dizzy, gastrointestinal distress, and very tender breasts, etc., all good signs in early pregnancy (and some of this is probably coming from the progesterone and estradiol I have to take until I am 9 weeks gestation, two weeks from now.)

I started my morning out with a blood test to track my level of lithium carbonate (I have an appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist on November 8th). The lab technician I had this time wouldn't let me take a picture of my blood test (I had already taken one of myself while I was waiting). She said it was preserve the confidentiality of other patients at the lab- I had never been told that before so I guess this blog is full of no no photos.

A photo at the lab which apparently a no no.

Had to take this photo in the car.

I then went to get a flu a shot at the public health clinic on Cook Street (the Victoria Fertility Centre recommended that I get a flu shot as I am pregnant- it can help protect me from getting a flu, which could give me a fever and consequently damage the fetus and it immunizes the baby, once it is born, for the season).

My left arm has a bandage now too! What a morning.

People are starting to talk about this baby like it's real and that scares me a lot. The last time people around me did that I lost the baby and then there was a gaping hole in my life and heart as I had let myself get attached and accustomed to the thought of being a mother. I am afraid to admit that this baby is real or to get attached. I am afraid of being hurt again. I'm trying to pretend that nothing is different, but of course this is impossible with my physical symptoms, my prescription medicine regime, the medical appointments and lab tests, and my pronounced mental cartwheels.

Serenity now . . .

Next week I have another blood test scheduled for Monday morning to take my thyroid levels. The next day I have an appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist to check in and review my lithium carbonate blood levels to see if my prescription needs to be changed. The day after, I see the endocrinologist to review my thyroid levels and review if my prescriptions for my thyroid need to be changed again.

Thursday, my husband (he gets back into town the night before) and I will be going to the Victoria Fertility Centre to have our ultrasound. I am so worried that things will not be all right and I don't know how I'll cope if they're not. I have barely survived this year thus far. I can't take anything else bad happening.

With luck, one week from now, I'll be eight weeks pregnant and I will have heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time the day before. If not . . . well, one day at a time . . .

One of my amaryllis bulbs is about to bloom again.