Ten Weeks Pregnant

Current mood . . .

I have been feeling wretched both physically and psychologically/emotionally. Long periods alone have given me ample time to reflect on the past year and wish that it would just end already. This has been the worst year of my life and I'm just over it.

Yes, I'm pregnant, but that could just end again. I'm not out of the woods yet. I still feel very traumatized by the miscarriage that I suffered in June. I was reading a selection of pregnancy books that my sister lent me the other night when I came upon a section on miscarriages. I completely lost it and sobbed inconsolably. It was late at night, the house was still and empty, my husband was on the other side of the country, and I felt alone, desolate, and bleak. And, I felt terrified. I stay up late at night because I'm afraid of the nightmares I have when I go to sleep and there's no one who I can talk to. My cat snuggled up to me as I sobbed and didn't leave my side all night, but I felt low even the next day.

My cat is always by my side.

I keep on thinking that maybe my husband and I should just move away to another country. I'm restless for change and I feel completely unsupported here by family and people who I thought were my friends but who have deserted me through this process. Anyone contemplating going through this process should be ready to be shocked by people's reactions. A few people have been supportive, but generally I have been surrounded by judgmental, fearful, dismissive, or unsupportive behaviour. It's a very lonely road to walk, particularly because almost no one, especially no one who you know, will know what it feels like to not be able to conceive, to have to choose IVF or other fertility treatments to try to get pregnant, to shell out thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars for low odds at actually having a living baby, the fear, the pain, the uncertainty, the physical, mental, and emotional pain and anguish, and never feeling like the same person ever again.

As Christmas approaches, my urge to flee has been rising. I've never liked this time of the year and this year in particular, I don't want to celebrate at all. I just want to go far, far away and be alone. I feel like a wounded wolverine. Hearing cheery Christmas carols in all the shops makes me want to throw myself off of a bridge. Unfortunately, I'm too good of a swimmer.

Physically this week, I've been very nauseous and suffering from continued constant headaches. I would say I'm somewhat less dizzy than I was on the prescription hormones (and I've managed to go for short walks several days this week), but I'm still suffering from dizzy spells and seeing stars often from low blood pressure (especially going from sitting to standing, showering, or changing positions too suddenly). I'm very tense and sore in my neck (right up into my right jaw), shoulders, and back and my pelvis gives some shooting pains that seem to indicate that something is happening down there as far as expanding uterus, moving pelvic bones. I went back to my chiropractor for the first time since before I started IVF on Monday and had an adjustment. It sounded as if everything was out in my back and neck but I still feel very tense. It's probably going to take a while for things to settle down (not that pregnancy is a comfortable time for backs from what I've heard). I also went for a massage therapy session this week again. Even after both of these treatments I feel very sore and tense and I'm sure my mental state isn't helping either. The anxiety that I'm feeling is no doubt manifesting in my body. I feel exhausted every day, but have trouble sleeping at night. I'm plagued by nightmares and vivid active dreams. I never feel rested. Further, the sore throat that has plagued me on and off for the past three and half weeks came back early this week and has made life truly miserable (all I can do is gargle with salt and baking soda in warm water and take the occasional Tylenol).

This is one of the most beautiful places in the world to walk.

At ten weeks pregnant, apparently the fetus is the size of a green olive and about 3.1 cm long or 1.2 inches. Pretty much nothing fits me anymore, but I'm afraid to go out and buy any new clothing in case I lose the pregnancy. It's a horrible feeling living in fear, dreading what could happen next instead of hoping for the future. I can't imagine what pregnant women who are excited to buy baby clothes, decorate a nursery, or don't think twice about buying maternity clothes feel like. I certainly don't think I'll feel like that anytime soon.

It does feel good to be able to get out a walk a bit again, but at the end of this walk I barely made it home and then spent the next hour almost throwing up.

I'm ten weeks pregnant today, but it will be a long time before I feel safe to celebrate.

And he's definitely not going to celebrate if we have a baby since he's used to being the only baby.