Trading Estrace for Needled Hormones, Here We Go (hyperventilate, hyperventilate, hyperventilate . . .)

I was beginning to have those faint hopes again that maybe my period would never arrive. Maybe I was pregnant for a second time and this time I wouldn't have a miscarriage and I could avoid this whole IVF song and dance. As I suffered from worse and worse side effects from the Estrace that I was taking, day by day, I hoped more and more that I could avoid anymore prescription hormones (especially the ones that you have to inject).

Things that look pretty can you make you feel downright hideous.

I have a friend whose aunt used to refer to her period as Toby. For example "that damn Toby's in town again." My friend loved this and remembered it years later, so she and I also used to curse Toby when he came to town. Well, last night at 7:00 PM, incidentally right after I had taken my dreaded dose of Estrace, that damn Toby arrived. Normally, I'm left to wonder what exactly is the start of my period, but not this time. As others on the internet had observed, Estrace makes for a heavy, spectacular period.

Farewell, Estrace, at least for a couple of weeks.

I spent last night sleeplessly fretting about what might happen today after sending an email off to my nurse at the Victoria Fertility Centre. The menstrual cramps were unbelievable and that combined with other Estrace side effects (stomach pains, headache, dizziness, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc.) made for another terrible sleep.

This morning, my  nurse from the Victoria Fertility Centre emailed me and said that since my period had arrived so late (and probably also due to me having taken Estrace last night) we would count today as day 1 of my cycle (you're not supposed to take Estrace on day 1 in my IVF protocol). Therefore, I'd need to be at the office first thing tomorrow morning (8:00 AM) to have blood tests, learn how to inject myself with hormones, etc. to get this IVF cycle really going.

I can feel the adrenalin coursing through my bloated veins. On the one hand, at least we're moving forward and my husband will actually be in town (instead of away on business every week in a different province) and able to be at the appointment and able to help me inject myself if I just can't (seriously, in grade 12 three people had to hold me down while I was vaccinated- I hate needles- although years of blood tests for my thyroid disorder, bipolar disorder, and then unexplained infertility have made me somewhat better around needles), but on the other hand, I'm walking into a dark and dangerous forest, wearing dark Chanel sunglasses that while fashionable, don't allow me to see quite what's ahead of me. So while I may look relatively fine, inside I'm terrified and feel like I could fall to pieces at some point during this very taxing process.

"I wear my [Chanel] sunglasses at night . . ."

Sometimes I wish I could see the future, but I suppose that would be a curse too. I just wish I knew if this was fruitless and would just lead to years and tens of thousands of dollars of waste, pain, frustration, and exhaustion. Or will it pay off? And when do people know when to call it quits if it isn't working? And what if one of the more serious side effects that could happen happens to you (bleeding, infection, or damage to the bowel or bladder during the egg retrieval or Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome (OHSS)) or what if you get pregnant, but there are multiple babies and because they are at higher risk than single births, something happens to them? I suppose we're lucky though to even have IVF as an option. Forty years ago, the only option would have been adopting (not knocking this, just saying you wouldn't get to experience being pregnant, etc.) or not having children at all.

So, tomorrow we'll be paying for the balance of this first cycle (I already paid a deposit) for a grand total of $6,500 for this cycle plus the $4,000 in prescriptions we'll be picking up tomorrow. It's going to be one expensive Friday.

My husband brought me home a huge bouquet of spectacular sunflowers the other day, as I was languishing in a hot bath with stomach cramps and general malaise. At least I have him along for the ride, because it would be even less fun alone.