Swelling Eggs and Temper- Get Me the Hell Out of this Hormone Ravaged Body

My sleep and quality of life have been disintegrating over the past three and a half weeks and the decline is only becoming more rapid now as I approach the middle of first cycle of IVF. I'm not sure if it was the introduction of Cetrotide a few days ago or if it's the build up of the Gonal F and Menopur in my system after two weeks of taking Estrace, and the ensuing swelling of multiple follicles in my swollen ovaries, but I feel wretched (okay, that's an understatement- I feel like a caged monster ready to burst out and attack something or someone).

This morning, we had an appointment at the Victoria Fertility Centre at 9:45 AM. We were not keen to lose our Sunday sleep-in, but we were there on time.

These weekend morning appointments are getting old.

Our appointment did not happen when it was supposed to though. We waited and waited and waited. I had the worst headache and my back was really sore, making sitting around in the waiting room  beyond uncomfortable. What is the point of an "appointment" if you're not going to be seen anywhere near that time? There were several other people waiting forever in the waiting room too. Just what everyone pictures for a nice Sunday morning, waiting around in a clinic for things like blood tests and pelvic ultrasounds . . .

In the waiting room again.

An hour after the appointment time, we were finally shown into an examination room where I had to remove my lower garments to have yet another pelvic ultrasound. We waited and waited and waited in the exam room. I was uncomfortable lying on the hard exam table with my tender lower back (with ovaries swelling with multiple maturing follicles). I kept shifting around trying to get comfortable, but hey, being half naked, on your back, in stirrups, waiting for a stranger to prod you in the nether regions, isn't what most people like.

On the examination table again. Wow, this isn't getting old.

Dr. Graham and a nurse appeared finally to examine me. I was able to take pictures of the ultrasound again. First Dr. Graham imaged my uterus. He said the endometrium looks great with three lines visible on the ultrasound, which is what they like to see.

My endometrium looks perfect to Dr. Graham.

Dr. Graham then imaged my right and then left ovaries to measure and count the follicles that are developing.

Follicles developing my my right ovary.

Follicles developing my my right ovary.

Follicles developing my my right ovary.

Follicles developing my my left ovary.

Follicles developing my my left ovary.

Follicles developing my my left ovary.

Dr. Graham says that there are 11 follicles visible in total, but only 7 are developing at a usable speed. He said a couple of those are smallish, so might not be big enough to use in the end. But he says that things are looking good. He told us that I must come back Tuesday morning between 8-9:00 AM for another pelvic ultrasound and blood test to see if I'm ready yet for the trigger shot (this step must be done before the eggs can be retrieved). He told us that he thinks that I'll be ready for the trigger shot either Tuesday or Wednesday, but of course can't say for sure. He directed me to buy enough Cetrotide for this morning (and inject at the clinic, because it was already getting late), Monday, and Tuesday. With Gonal F and Menopur, he stated that I should only buy enough for today and tomorrow, because they would reassess on Tuesday if I need more after that or not. I am to continue Dexamethasone until I take a pregnancy test after the embryo transfer.

The nurse drew my blood for another blood test.

Love these cotton bandages on my arm all the time. Who needs jewellery, when you've got one of these?

I went to the drug dispensary down the hall of the clinic to buy more drugs. The total for three mornings of Cetrotide and two nights of Gonal F and Menopur was about $1,500.00. We're now almost $2,000.00 over our initial drug estimate. Fortunately, we have drug coverage, but for most people who don't, almost $6,000.00 in drugs (and we're not even done buying yet for this first cycle) for a single cycle of IVF would be prohibitively expensive (especially on top of the IVF fee itself).

Missing from photo is the one box of Cetrotide that I used at the clinic this morning. This is only enough to last to Tuesday morning and it cost a mere $1,500.00

I was directed to the boardroom, where I could inject my Cetrotide in privacy. I asked the nurse if there was an easier way to get the cap off the syringe of the Cetrotide (I've been finding it hard to do and stabbed myself viciously in the finger with the syringe once when the cap finally came off unexpectedly). She suggested using a rubber glove on only one hand for better grip and pulling it off with that. Unfortunately, while it was easier to get the cap for the first syringe off, when I tried to take the whole syringe tip off to get the second syringe tip on (for injecting, after mixing), I stabbed myself on my rubber gloved finger tip so badly (the syringe tip is thicker for mixing than for injecting), that blood was not only coming out of the glove, but also pooling in the finger of the glove. Oh well.

Smiling before I stabbed myself with a syringe in the finger . . . Cetrotide requires some mixing, but not as much as the Menopur I take in the evening.

Make this end!

After the mixing and with my right gloved finger filling with blood, I injected myself with Cetrotide. I am getting more and more bloated and swollen by the day, especially in the abdomen.

We drove home. I felt highly anxious and started to have panic attacks. The side effects from the hormones have been growing by the day, especially since I introduced Cetrotide. I've been highly anxious, irritable, my mood has been lower, and I've been starting to suffer from panic attacks daily. I just want this to be over with. But at day 11 of my cycle, it's not over yet. Once I receive the trigger shot on this Tuesday or Wednesday (or perhaps later), I'll be undergoing the egg retrieval step on Thursday or Friday of this coming week (or later if things aren't ready).

A nurse from the clinic called me this afternoon to tell me that the blood work looked fine and that I was to continue with all four of my medications as per my protocol and that they would see me between 8-9:00 AM on Tuesday.

While I want this all to be over with, the egg retrieval scares the bejeebers out of me and that isn't even the end, we then have to wait to see if any of the eggs is useable, whether or not the fertilization procedure works, whether the embryos survive their 2-5 days in vitro, then if there is a viable embryo to use, it must be transferred back into me. Then we have to wait two weeks after the embryo transfer to see if it successfully implants or not. Sources I have read say that this two week wait felt like the longest two weeks of their lives (there's so much riding on the outcome, whether or not you'll finally be a parent, whether or not you'll have to outlay several more thousands of dollars if you even ever can again to undergo another IVF cycle, whether or not you'll have to go through this emotional roller coaster nightmare again, etc.).

I can't imagine what it must feel like to complete one of these IVF cycles (let alone multiple ones, some people do as many as 7 or 8 or 9- how?!). I already feel overwrought and beleaguered and I've only been on hormones for three and a half weeks. I'm so irritable right now, I just feel like throwing this laptop through a window, something to relieve the tense boredom of this hormonal hell and this wait that depends not completely on the scheduled hormones, but also on the time my body take to mature the follicles. I feel like I'm losing my mind and no one understands what I'm going through (I know there are others who have undergone IVF and that some of them can probably related to some of these side effects and feelings, but I don't know anyone who's ever undergone IVF so . . .). I'm just so uncomfortable, I feel like I can't reside in my body anymore. Oh, and I can't take Advil anymore for my backaches and headaches, because of the blood thinning it causes and the upcoming egg retrieval (it is common practice to ban NSAIDs in the lead up to surgery)- so Tylenol only from now on. Roaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr!