21 Weeks Pregnant: Fears for the Future, Preparing to Be Almost Completely Alone for the Next Month, Sleep (and Other PregnancyRelated) Struggles, Blood Tests, and Acupuncture

Current mood . . .

Today, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. In the past, before I was jaded by years of trying to get pregnant, my infertility struggle including countess tests and different therapies attempted, the miscarriage, and the uncomfortable process of IVF, I used to believe that I would just easily become pregnant and sail through the pregnancy. Now, every day seems like a miracle and perhaps even borrowed time like someone will just seize it all away and I'll be left with nothing again, heartbroken, and unable to carry forward. It seems like I could end up having a baby now that I'm over halfway through the pregnancy, but we've all heard stories about late miscarriages (and if they happen this late they need to be aided by a D & C, they don't just happen all naturally like my miscarriage) and still births. I'm terrified to be excited or even to really prepare much for the future. But then I think about how if I actually do have a baby (the odds favour this reality), I'll have no time to prepare after it has arrived, so maybe I should be preparing now.

It all overwhelms me. I can barely cope right now. My bipolar disorder has stabilized somewhat, but I'm still suffering regular  panic attacks (usually in the middle of the night), higher anxiety, and a low mood and very low energy. Plus, every time I check the local renting or real estate listings, I'm filled with a deep feeling of gloom that doesn't lift sometimes for days. I've never felt so trapped in my life. I have no idea what we're going to do. With regard to preparing as in getting things for a baby, we have nowhere really to put them and would just have to move them if we ever found a place, I'm scared I won't need them if I don't actually have baby, and I have no idea where to start and in the absence of anyone to help, I'm overwhelmed and terrified. I had always pictured that when I finally was pregnant it would be a happy time and that I'd have family and friends around who were excited (and might ask about ultrasounds, etc.) and could perhaps lend me some wisdom, but by in large this has not happened.

And now I contemplate being even more alone as my husband prepares to leave this coming week. We'll revert back to the schedule of him being gone all week, flying back for a brief day or so here, and then leaving again to go back east for work. This will happen for the next month solid (he arrives back partway through my birthday). By the time he's done, I'll be just crossing over in my third trimester. As the days tick by, my panic and feelings of being trapped increase. I think about how all the people I've watched pregnant have bought stuff and starting nesting like something out of an extreme home makeover show on HGTV (complete with coming up with baffling themes for their baby's nursery), even when they were totally not like that at all before they became pregnant and then I think about how I can't even figure out where we're going to live and how I have no nursery so even if I wanted to decorate it, I wouldn't be able to (not that I think that I would be, except for maybe the last minute when it seemed like I was definitely going to have a baby, doing it earlier would feel like a jinx I think). It just all feels so hopeless. As the rain falls outside the window, melting the last of the freak snow storm in Victoria, the world feels utterly grey.

Winter actually visited Victoria.

The promise of spring.

Goodbye, snow.

I know it is not helping that I haven't had a decent sleep in months. My maternity sleeping pillow has still not arrived and with the lackluster tracking information available from the Global Shipping Program at eBay, all I know is that it's somewhere in Canada right now and that it should be here in the next week. My collection of pillows is not working out that well and trying to get comfortable in bed feels like an epic and never-ending struggle. And once I get comfortable I have to pee. And once I fall asleep, I have nightmares and sometimes wake up in a full panic attack which takes me an hour or more to settle out of and back into sleep.

I wish I could sleep like my cat.

My appointment with my perinatal psychiatrist was rescheduled from this Tuesday to next Tuesday. But I had to get my lithium levels done in advance and I had rescheduled my appointment at the lab once due to snow and couldn't do it again without risking not having lithium levels available for my psychiatrist since Monday is Family Day in BC (I'll be alone with the cat). I see my psychiatrist on St. Valentine's Day. I guess at least it will get me out of the house, since I'll be alone for that day as well, as my husband is working back east all week. Getting to the lab was a little anxiety provoking as our rear wheel drive car is more made for hurtling down a dry highway than sliding around in slushy west coast snow, but I made it. I walked to the post office from the lab and it was a really slippery walk. I find that I am slower and less steady on my feet than I used to be and I can't imagine what women feel like late in their third trimester.

At the lab.

My lithium levels have come up a bit from my last lithium level test a month ago and are almost into the range they have been historically when I've felt the best, so it looks like I won't need an increase in my dose of Lithium Carbonate this visit. My psychiatrist told me that pregnant women usually only get one to two dose increases of lithium during their pregnancy. I guess we'll see. I'm still feeling like I might have to go back on Loxapine again given that I don't feel that stable yet, but my psychiatrist has pointed out in the past that anyone in my shoes would probably be feeling pretty anxious and depressed, so a lot of what I'm feeling is probably situational and not chemical. I guess I'll wait and see what she thinks.

Just let me curl up and sleep until spring.

The other blood test that I had done at the same time as the lithium levels and kidney function test (normal), was a full blood panel and screening for anemia. My maternity doctor said that by the third trimester something like 80% of women had to be placed on iron supplements due to anemia and since I was feeling tired all the time and had been anemic in the past (I don't eat red meat), it was worth investigating if I was anemic. The blood tests were all normal. My anemia test was just on the border of being normal and thus was in the category of "probable anemia". I await instructions from my doctor over whether or not I should start iron supplements and if so, which type.

I went for my monthly continuing acupuncture appointment this week. Since I'm further along, acupuncture for the first time was not done on my back, but was done lying on my front, using special pregnancy bolsters (it is a two pillow system with indents for the breasts and a face area, and they pull apart to let the stomach fall through when you're bigger). Situating myself on these bolsters, on top of the acupuncture table felt precarious. It was not that comfortable, but then nothing is at this point. She said that since I'm not sticking out much in the stomach, the two bolsters could stay together instead of pulling apart to create the gap for the stomach to fall through. She put a variety of needles into my neck, shoulders, and back (I've been really tense and sore in the neck, shoulders, and back), as well as needles into the lower legs for the meridians that connect to the uterus to support the pregnancy. Then I lay there face down for what felt like an eternity. I tried to focus on my breath, counting my breath, meditating to try to calm myself, but all I could focus on was my mounting feelings of panic with regard to the approaching due date, not knowing where we're going to live, not knowing what I need to buy to prepare, feeling completely alone and overwhelmed, and my husband's impending departure from town. Having him around for the past month and a half lulled me into a false sense of security. Now that I'm faced with being even more alone and isolated, I feel completely overwhelmed. Getting a picture of needles sticking out of my back while I was face down was impossible, so I only have a before picture from acupuncture.

Before acupuncture.

After acupuncture, I went downtown to have my passport photos done and go straight to the passport office to renew my passport immediately (I'm so glad we have a 10 year option now, 5 years is too short a time for a passport). I need it to be valid by March (it expires this early March), because we'll be travelling somewhere for a vacation once my husband can take some time away from work in early to mid March. And it will definitely be international, unless something changes in my medical situation. And now Canada doesn't allow dual citizens to exit and enter Canada with their other passports, so my Irish one just won't do alone. We have had wild variations in thoughts of where we should go that change every week, so who knows where we'll go. But we know it's our one last hurrah before our lives might change forever. I discovered from googling places to travel when pregnant that people call it a "babymoon" when you travel somewhere while pregnant. This term kind of makes me want to retch.

So, other than the horrible sleep, sore neck, shoulders, and back, and continuing anxiety and depression and panic attacks, how am I feeling halfway through the pregnancy? I'm still having trouble with my sinuses following my second cold of the year and have had to continue with saline every morning and night to try to flush them out (I've been sick continuously for the last month and a half and no doubt that has not helped my sleep, mood, or energy levels). I've been skirting on the edge of a sinus infection for a while, but then I seem to fight it off, but then it seems to return. It is so annoying not really being able to take anything and not really wanting to go on antibiotics I have just left it. Moving down to my digestive tract, I only get occasional stomach upset (but I'm on Omeprazole, so this suppresses acid production), I definitely get gas pains, and I'm still having some constipation and this alternates sometimes with diarrhea (and guess what, any hemorrhoids or fissures that may occur in pregnancy can't really be treated with anything other than epsom salt baths and some Witch Hazel wipes). I started some probiotics that I used to be on before I was pregnant that are not only supposed to improve digestive tract function, but also help mental symptoms (my naturopath approved these for use during pregnancy). We'll see if these help. I've been using a combination of prune juice, daily Metamucil, and drinking lots of fluids (and I've found that my thirst is increasing). The other part that would help would be daily exercise, but other than short jaunts and housework, I haven't been really exercising much. I feel completely exhausted, plus I feel highly anxious about being out alone most days, so this combination is not really conducive for going out for walks or exercising. I've found that my hips seem to be feeling more sore and no doubt this is the change in the pelvis due to the increasing size of the uterus (on my left side this soreness is going down all the way to my left knee). Connected to that is pain in the round ligaments in the abdomen (they support the uterus normally and as it grows outwards they get stretched and sore in many women). I've noticed that the spider veins in my legs are getting more pronounced which often happens in pregnancy.  I have had a few days this week where I thought I felt something weird in  my abdomen, but then couldn't tell if it was just a twitch in my stomach or if it was the thing moving. Being pregnant is really, really weird.

I just can't picture making the transition from being alone with the cat all the time to having a baby with me all the time (and the cat is really going to be surprised by this transition). I think I've psyched myself out from all the years and years and years of trying to get pregnant, the miscarriage, having to go through IVF, and then having difficulties with pregnancy that I hadn't really contemplated years ago when I started trying, plus the complete lack of support from most people in my life. I keep thinking of all the things in my life that I've accomplished and thinking well,  if I can do that, surely I can do this. Or looking at other people who have children, well if they can do it, I should be able to. But comparing is the route the suffering according to a lot of psychiatrists. I just don't know what will happen and I guess that's what bothers me most. I can deal with almost anything other than uncertainty.

21 weeks pregnant.