Booking IVF for a second time has made me feel more than a little bitter. Yeah, I'm blessed to be able to afford it and to live in a time when IVF is even an option (because otherwise I'd probably never be a mother, although I still might never be), but it just feels like, why me? Why do I have to go through IVF, sticking needles into myself for days on end, pumping myself full of hormones, risking a bunch of different complications, all for a flip of a coin chance of getting pregnant (50%) and then having the same risk of losing the baby again (25%)? I feel deep resentment that I have to go through IVF just for the shot at a child when there are so many people who don't even want children getting pregnant and having children. But life just isn't fair and that's something I'm still having trouble coming to terms with.
My father always used to say that the only thing in life that mattered and would make you feel good was helping other people. Every time I've ever volunteered and in the past with my job as a lawyer, I felt the meaning of his wise words repeatedly. Helping people does make you feel better than anything else really can. And I've been deeply isolated lately not just with working from home, but also with feeling unwell and deeply discouraged from this fertility nightmare. So, it's been hard to get out and help people much. All the same, I try to practice loving kindness as much as I can to twin with my meditation practise. I've tried to practice smiling at people I see on the street for years. It's amazing how almost all of them will smile back at me even though they might have so little in life to feel grateful for. To have a smile from a stranger makes me feel good and I hope that it makes them feel a little better too.
This morning I helped serve breakfast at Our Place in Victoria, BC. It's a place where the city's homeless and those struggling to make ends meet can gather to have a shower, a meal, use a computer, or just socialize. I was able to talk to many people who use Our Place and exchange countless smiles with them. I felt a glowing sense of happiness as I left Our Place after my shift of about two hours. I felt a sense of gratitude that I haven't felt in a really long time. My life has its challenges, but I have a lot to feel grateful for.
It was evident to me from the time I spent at the psychiatric hospital and taking classes at the psychiatric day hospital following my diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety that a significant group of the people at Our Place are on psychotropic drugs to treat a mental disorder or illness. I wondered where their families are. Did they not have anyone who could help them? How alone did they feel? Where would I be without my supportive husband and family? Living with a mental disorder is a daily challenge. I can't imagine having to deal with homelessness or unstable housing and lack of food on top of my mental disorder. So many people who suffer from mental disorders or illnesses cannot work at all and they end up on heavy psychotropic drugs to try to keep them stable and then they can't afford food or housing, etc. I just can't imagine the added struggle. I don't know how these people are dealing with that added challenge. I don't think that I could.
Funding for mental disorders and illnesses is insufficient and countless suicides happen every year because people are too afraid or ashamed (yes, people still joke and make fun of mental disorders and illnesses and some people even see mental disorders as a sign of moral weakness or a failure of willpower and not the extremely challenging and potentially tragic neurochemical/genetic disorders that they are) to seek help or there just isn't any available (one woman who I was in the hospital with had to wait six months to be admitted to the psychiatric mood disorders ward in Victoria, BC because she didn't go in through the emergency psychiatric triage unit). One visit to the emergency psychiatric triage in Victoria ("PES") would be enough to convince anyone to not seek help again (unless you get sent there and are held under an involuntary order, then you have no choice). I've been to PES twice and I never, ever, ever want to go back (I'm not alone, others have told me the same, and my psychiatrists have agreed that it is a horrible place). At least I can be grateful that I have not been hospitalized in over three years and now that my psychiatrists have found an effective psychotropic medication for me, I am more or less stable. But others just aren't so lucky.
It was also evident that addictions are a challenge for part of the group at Our Place. This is another issue that is close to my heart. Addictions run down on both sides of my family. I'll be sober ten years come this New Years Day, but it was a terrible struggle for me to stop drinking. I thank my lucky stars every day that I somehow managed to quit drinking for so long after many, many, many failed attempts at staying sober for an extended period. I have long thought that our health care system does not do enough to address this huge societal problem (everyone keeps talking about illegal drugs, but alcohol and cigarettes kill way, way, way more people every year than illegal drugs). My addiction almost killed me.
What gets me is the amazing level of ignorance and lack of compassion when it comes to addictions. Addiction is not a matter of a lack of will power or a moral failing, it is a serious medical problem that's genetic. Sadly, we still don't know much about how we can effectively treat addictions even after years of research and experimenting with countless treatments. Unfortunately, most treatments will fail and addicts will fail to get clean and sober over and over and over again. Many of them will die far younger than they would have in the absence of an addiction. Most people with addictions will be at the mercy of their addiction for most of their life. The lack of compassion so many hold towards addictions upsets me. We don't blame people with cancer for having cancer (except for smokers and that's an addiction too), but we freely blame addicts for their addiction. I have heard so many people callously say that addicts just have a weak will or that they're indulgent or lazy or selfish. Being an addict is horrible and guess what, there's no cure. Ever. Even if you're lucky enough to get sober or clean, you'll think about your addiction every day for the rest of your life. I do and I felt empathy for the people at Our Place who I could see were struggling with one or more addiction(s).
Rants about lack of support for mental disorders and addictions aside, I just want to reiterate that I feel grateful for everything that I have and for the support of my husband and family and a couple of my friends. Life could be a whole lot worse, even with the challenges that I have, I am blessed.
Now I'm going to try to enjoy the last week that I have before starting hormones up again for IVF. September 1st, I start Estrace again in the lead up to the IVF cycle that I have scheduled for around mid September. Hopefully my side effects will not be as extreme this time (although it's tough to tell what was a symptom of the miraculous pregnancy of which I was unaware of at the time versus what was actually a side effect of Estrace).
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| Ross Bay Cemetery in Victoria, BC is a beautiful place to walk and meditate. |
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