I suffered from an eating disorder as a teenager (but before that at age 11 I went on my first diet- self-imposed). My eating disorder was not severe enough to attract the notice or at least concern of my family and eventually I worked it out myself, but it has cyclically plagued me ever since. And when I'm not mentally optimal, my eating disorder gets louder in my head. It ferociously growled in my ear as I walked towards the kitchen.
I proceeded to angrily consume my vegetable heavy homemade protein shake for breakfast, slopping part of it down the front of my white patterned Brooks Brothers pajamas. This further worsened my mood.
I went to my endocrinologist, expecting to be further tormented as he weighed me and tut tutted about how overweight I am (this has happened in the past many times). Instead, my endocrinologist gave his condolences for my miscarriage and did not comment really on my weight at all. He asked me if my husband and I were going to try again soon. I told him that I was scared and having trouble getting over the miscarriage. He told me that it is not an easy thing to get over, but then reminded me that it happens to a lot of pregnancies and that it is usually because there was not viable fetus and that it is better to proceed with a healthy pregnancy than one that is barely viable.
He told me that he didn't want to make me feel worse, but just the day before he had had three women in a row my age, one trying get pregnant for the first time, one with a three month old baby, and one who was pregnant for the sixth time after five miscarriages and had made it past crucial week 18 finally (she had been referred to him only after miscarriage #5 and he had found a slight thyroid disorder and had medicated it and this had made all the difference- I was mind boggled that our medical system would leave it this long to refer her to specialists who could save her the pain of repeated miscarriages, but that's our medical system.) All of them have thyroid disorders.
He asked if I would schedule for IVF again soon. He told me that he thought that I should. I was interested to know his opinion, since he's the only doctor who's managed to get my thyroid into a stable range (and there have been several who have tried over the past six years). He told me that my thyroid levels are currently perfect, the best they've been in a long time, and if that was what was worrying me with regard to proceeding with IVF, I need have no fear.
I then shared that I was afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. He seemed genuinely surprised. He told me that "being a parent is easy. You have to:
1. Set a good example; and
2. Have the child's best interests in mind.
That is it." I was amazed that he had distilled an entire lifetime occupation down to two principles. However they didn't seem bad. "You don't think that you can do that?" he asked as I sat there silently. I told him that I didn't know if I could. He told me that he thought that I could as if I was crazy to doubt it.
I am terrified of being a bad parent and screwing up another person's life (and everyone who they then come into contact with), but I suppose having this fear is better than blundering into it without a thought or having the narcissistic belief that you're perfect and will be the "perfect parent."
But it's not just that that I fear. I fear:
1. Taking hormones to prepare for IVF and the impact that they'll have on my body (horror stories all over internet) and mind (I have bipolar disorder, so I have to be careful that I stay stable);
2. Having to use hypodermic syringes to inject myself full of hormones every day leading up to the egg extraction to prepare for IVF (I hate needles so much);
3. Not having any eggs that can be extracted/used;
4. The egg extraction, which is done with a needle through the wall of the vagina (it sounds so horrific- I know they give you some drugs, but still!);
5. Not having any viable embryos to implant and/or freeze; and
6. Going through all of that pain, bloating, weird body manipulation, and stress and then:
(a) getting a negative result on a pregnancy test and having to decide whether or not to put out another several thousand dollars and try again, going through all of the above, or to give up on the dream of ever being a parent; or
(b) getting a positive result on a pregnancy test and then worrying every day until a baby is born whether or not the fetus will die (I don't think I could handle another miscarriage) or be healthy and live and whether or not my body and mind will survive pregnancy.
All the same, what would it be like to live with regret every day for the rest of my life (however long that is), knowing that I could have done something more to try to become a parent, but I let fear win and I didn't and now I'm stuck with the consequences forever? I don't think that that would feel good either. And going through the thing that you fear is a shorter amount of pain than a lifetime of regret. I've been through many scary things in life including being bullied, dysfunctional family dynamics, car accidents, surgeries (over a dozen), being in abusive relationships, being diagnosed with incurable disorders including hypothyroidism and bipolar disorder, being hospitalized in a psychiatric facility twice, having to give up the professional career I trained for due to my health, and most recently, a miscarriage after years of trying to become pregnant and on the eve of undergoing IVF which I very much feared.
So, I'm not about to let this fear beat me. I called the Victoria Fertility Centre this morning after I arrived home from my appointment with my endocrinologist and I booked in to start IVF on my next cycle (should be around mid September). I know that it's not going to be pleasant (I start the first of the hormones, Estrace, again on the 18th day of this cycle- I'm currently on day 4- so, September 1st), but all I can hope is that in the end it will be worth it. And if it's not, at least I won't have to live with the regret that there was something more that I could have done that I didn't do, because I was too scared.
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| R.I.P. fears.(This cross is in Ross Bay Cemetery, Victoria, B.C.). |
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