Trying to Laugh Through the Tears

The last few days, the weather tuned more with the November in my heart. The temperatures have been at least 10 to 15 degrees Celsius less than normal, there's less sun, and certainly more rain. The fog descending on the mountain by where I am in Kamloops, makes for an autumn atmosphere that is matched only by my mood.

Perhaps it's the weather or maybe it's only because I'm sleeping better and having very vivid dreams and nightmares and am processing things, but I cried harder than I have in weeks, the night before last. I couldn't stop thinking about the miscarriage and the baby that I could have had. I know intellectually (and as many people have pointed out over and over again) that miscarriages are nature's way of "disposing" of unviable fetuses, but the hormones that flood the pregnant body, mixed with the years and years and years of trying for a baby and not being able to get pregnant and then miraculously getting pregnant on the eve of having IVF, made it even more of a body blow (and I just keep thinking of my age, what kind of an egg reserve I have left, etc. etc. etc. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!)

I went downtown with my  mother in law two days ago. I, of course, checked out Value Village, and even stumbled upon an artist's street fair. The sun was shrouded by diaphanous clouds making it more resemble the moon. The streets were fairly empty, giving Kamloops a sort of eerie early morning atmosphere.

The tumbleweed is just out of the frame . . .

My mother in law took me to an art store later that day at my request. I actually brought up the Conte Crayons that my cousin gave me years ago from when she was in art school way back in the day, but didn't have any nicely coloured and textured paper that I could use (unless I went for the absorption of all colours, a nice Darth Vader black, I had lots of that at home). I found a huge pad of beautifully textured and coloured thick paper that's made in England. It's not the brand I've normally used, but we're in Kamloops, and it's really nice (and of course expensive) so I bought it and a fine line pen that was on sale. I haven't actually sketched yet in the yard (which is currently soaking wet), but I might if the mood strikes me (and I say that all the time, but I think I might not procrastinate so completely this trip).

Well, infertility really isn't funny, so perhaps a comic about it is doomed from the start . . .

Yesterday, I spent the morning gardening in spitting rain and then lukewarm sunshine with my mother in law. I found an "obliging" garter snake to take a selfie or two or maybe three or four with me (he definitely wasn't into it).

I think the snake's smiling too . . . #SnakeSelfie!

The little petunias covered in raindrops on the back deck were so gorgeous that I spent a long time trying to get the perfect picture to capture their beauty, but of course that's usually not really possible. The human eye generally captures things better than a camera phone.

Nature is so beautiful when you least expect it.

I was thinking of how different different people's life priorities are and then how different my cat's priorities are to mine. I was inspired to draw them out on paper. And I miss my cat. A lot (I've been doing Google Hangouts with my husband and he keeps showing me the cat, who yowls in the background. He's been bunting the phone violently, perhaps trying to get me out of the little glass box that my husband is keeping me in now).

I couldn't help but laugh at how a cat might view my myriad of fears and anxieties. What advice might my cat give me? Relax, take a nap, sleep in the sun, eat treats or food, lap up some cold water (or some from the toilet- no thanks), and cuddle with someone you love. Yes, cats don't sweat it about much (except baths, vacuums, and as I recently found out, the dishwasher [watery box of death]). Perhaps I should try to be more like them, but my personality type, childhood, mental disorder, former occupation (oh no! I'll get sued!), and current place in my life make me a worrier.
We went out for dinner last night, trying a newer Thai restaurant in town. Then we had ice cream down by the river, the wind whipping my long hair precariously close to the melting ice cream and my silk scarf. I had goose bumps all over my bare arms because I didn't really back for weird autumn in summer Kamloops (it's okay, I survived and I finished the ice cream cone like a real hero playing through the pain).

Long hair plus silk scarf plus strong wind plus melty ice cream equals risk.

My husband found out that he can take his vacation time now, before his next project starts up, so I've been given the green light to look for some last minute deals to Europe, so we can take the free cruise we were awarded by Costa's management after our (terrible)  experience last year (read more about it on our travel blog: www.tworestlesswanderers.blogspot.ca). Hopefully this cruise will be better. Other than a week or so on the cruise, we'll spend a couple of other weeks hanging around Europe (where hopefully we'll find some summer, because it seems to have disappeared from BC). You can follow our adventures on our travel blog.

This morning was thoroughly wet and rainy and the mountainside was shrouded in thick fog. It was really the perfect morning for writing, snug inside, but I kind of chose this locale partially based on its more reliable summer weather (read hot and dry) and I don't feel I'm really getting my Interior summer experience this year (where's my 40 degrees Celsius afternoon down at Riverside Park?).

This was taken this morning, July 9th, not November 9th . . .

Oh well, staying with my parents in law has certainly made me feel much better than I was feeling back at home or than I would have felt alone in some strange place. I feel too fragile and frightened to be alone yet and they are so gentle and loving, that they make me feel like it is still the summer here, even if it looks like November outside.

I hope that time, distance from where things all went even further south for me, and further rest will make things seem less bleak on the pregnancy and IVF front. I just know that I couldn't withstand the rigours of IVF right now with all of the hormones required for a successful cycle. I'm not just feeling physically weak, but also emotionally and mentally fragile. Perhaps "taking the cure" in Europe is what I need.