Returning Home Only to Leave Again

All in all, the time in Kamloops was a good time for me to rest, start processing the miscarriage, and to re-evaluate what to do next. As it turned out, that was planning a trip to Europe with my husband.

Beautiful sunset in Kamloops

There were a few beautiful days in Kamloops, but the weather was quite strange.

The time I spent in the garden of my parents in law was therapeutic, as well as the walks that I took, the time away, writing on my blogs (this one, Haiku a Day and my travel blog, Two Restless Wanderers), editing some of the novels that I'm writing, and all of the love lavished upon me by my parents in law.

A selfie.

Another selfie.

A particularly lovely Kamloops sunset.

What a send off! This was the sky the evening before I left Kamloops. Thunder and lightning when I was trying to sleep later.

The trip seemed to help me return to some things that I love, but haven't been doing for the past several years as I've been under such stress with this whole unexplained fertility issue. For instance, I started doodling and sketching a bit up in Kamloops after buying some nice new paper. It felt indescribably good to be sitting in the sunny back garden sketching even if I couldn't get the flowers to look like what I wanted them to look like with my limited Conte Crayons.

The flights back were uneventful.

Why not post another selfie? #planeselfie

After arriving home from Kamloops, I was thrown into the vortex of chaos of piles of stuff around the house waiting to be packed for our trip, adding even more things to my list, choosing outfits, running errands, and getting the house clean to leave for a few weeks. The cat was not impressed by my absence or the continued presence of suitcases out in the open, a clear sign that we were up to something nefarious.

Cooking in the beautiful apron that my mother in law sewed for me when I was in Kamloops. #butfirstletmetakeaselfie

The cat took immediate ownership of the cashmere blanket that I had so selfishly taken with me on my trip.

I saw my sister and her baby on the weekend. It was much easier to see the baby this time and I was able to look at her and play with her with very little pain, trying to stay in the present moment, and just connect with my little niece. But alone at home, I still have very dark thoughts such as why me, this is never going to happen, what's the point of living if I can never have children, I can't bear living with uncertainty anymore, etc..

I keep telling myself that it's all just going to take time. I hope that I'm right.

When I arrive home from Europe, I'll be starting up the IVF process again (perhaps this time I'll even make it as far as the stimulating hormones and beyond) and I will be posting about my experience.

In the mean time, follow me on my travel blog, as I travel with my husband from Amsterdam to Barcelona, around the Western Mediterranean on a cruise, and then spend some more time in Barcelona.

How could you? That's what Lamont's thinking.