My Thoughts on “Babymoons”

Huahine

We have not yet finished uploading our complete account of our “babymoon” on our travel blog yet (Two Restless Wanderers), due to poor internet connection in French Polynesia, and what happened when we arrived home. The night we arrived home, we found that our almost 16 year old cat was sick. We took him to the vet the next day and found out that he had an aggressive liver tumour and we had to make the very difficult decision to euthanize him, so that he would not suffer. Since then, neither my husband nor I have felt like posting to our travel blog, but stay tuned, because the last 2.5 weeks of the trip will be posted soon. Plus, we’re moving in a month, so we’re busy preparing for that. I wanted to post an entry though on observations I made from taking a babymoon. Maybe others will find some of these observations useful in planning one for themselves.

Sunning the bump in Fakarava (wearing lots of water-resistant sunscreen).

Some things to think about when planning a “babymoon”:
1. Have you been to your maternity doctor lately? Does he or she think that you are healthy enough to travel and that your pregnancy is “without complications” and therefore that you could go on a babymoon without severe risk to both yourself and the fetus? If not, then maybe a vacation close to home (and close to your doctor/ hospitals/ insured services) is better.

On a tour of a remote motu on Fakarava.

2. Where are you going?
(a) Are there diseases that are dangerous to pregnancy? If so, what can you do to prevent them. Ie. If it is relatively easy, like insect repellant, maybe it’s okay, but if there’s high risk, it’s probably not worth it. I found it annoying constantly coating myself in sunscreen and insect repellant, but at least this kept me safe and healthy. For some places there are months of pills ahead of time or vaccines that have to be acquired and you can’t take them while pregnant so perhaps going there for a babymoon is out of the question;
(b) Can you drink the water there? I cover this more below. If you can’t drink the water, it creates an added layer of complexity to a vacation that some people just may not be into having;
(c) Is there a lot of food borne illness? I cover this more below. This can create an added layer of complexity to a vacation that some people just may not be into having;
(d) Is there a high risk of crime? No one wants to be mugged, attacked, or have a riot or civil unrest break out on their vacation, but especially not while you’re pregnant and more vulnerable than usual. Read travel advisory bulletins for any country you’re thinking of going to and maybe some blogs or travel forums about what it’s like in various cities you’re thinking of going to;
(e) Can you buy what you might need there or are the stores limited or do they not stock what you might need? When we went to French Polynesia, I knew that some islands had no pharmacy at all and that on the islands that did have a pharmacy, they might not have over the counter medications that I was familiar with or could take during pregnancy, so I took EVERYTHING that I might need. Yes, I didn’t use a lot of it, but better safe than sorry. Same goes for things like sunscreen. You might end up in a place where it’s rare or really, really expensive (French Polynesia is in this category).
(f) Do you have enough prescription medication to make it through the trip plus some extra time in case your flights get delayed or you lose a few pills or get them wet? This includes medications that are PRN medications like for instance antibiotics for an unforeseen urinary tract infection, etc (I get my doctor to write prescriptions for these and I fill them before I leave so that I won’t have to see a doctor on vacation, if one is even available, if something simple like a urinary tract infection arises while I’m travelling).
(g) What’s the bathroom situation like there? North America is the land of easily accessed, free, and often quite clean bathrooms with toilet paper and toilet seats. Other areas of the world may have few bathrooms, pay bathrooms, no toilet paper (always carry Kleenex packs with you), no toilet seats, or just a hole in the ground. When you have to pee all the time when you’re pregnant, this can be not just uncomfortable and annoying, but if you hold it too long, can create urinary tract infections;
(h) How long is the flight(s)? The longer the flight(s), the more foot and ankle swelling (I really experienced this badly on the flights to and from French Polynesia and off and on the rest of the trip in the heat and humidity), risk of deep vein thrombosis (DVT) and other illness, the more exhausting, the more uncomfortable. Plus, if you’re on an Air France flight and you happen to be over about 5’5” you’re not going to have any leg room at all and if someone puts their chair back (which they probably will) you will be crushed. The food is basically inedible (deli meat sandwiches, soft cheeses, or just gross stuff on our Air France flights) or non-existent (Air Canada shorter flights) on a lot of flights now too (I survived by bringing many Clif protein bars with me on the plane). Having to get down the narrow aisles to go pee constant is really annoying too (but getting up and walking around is important for preventing things like DVT).

Drinking coconut water in Fakarava on a snorkeling tour,

3. How far along are you? This includes considering how uncomfortable you are presently/how mobile you are/ active you are/ is your pregnancy normal and healthy or are you having complications/ and can you even get travel insurance (some policies cut off at 31 weeks, some probably before or after this).

On a pink sand beach in Fakarava.

4. Travel insurance- I touched on this in earlier posts- I had a lot of difficulty in finding travel insurance that covered both pregnancy AND the medical expenses of the fetus if it was born prematurely on the trip (and even then the expenses were EXTREMELY limited and would not have done much to offset the cost). This policy I found was through BCCA (but there are lots of exclusions and it only goes up to a certain number of weeks gestation and excludes pre-existing conditions, so if you have those, you have to buy the addition pre-existing conditions insurance that they sell). Read the policy, ask the agent for clarification, try to get your questions answered in writing via email, but as with any insurance, there is no guarantee the company will actually pay out even if you make a legitimate claim.

A sunset dip in the ocean in Fakarava is a great way to cool off in a hot climate, especially when you're pregnant.

5. Cost- having a baby, especially when you have to spend about $15,000 (or more if you’re doing multiple cycles of IVF) to get to the pregnancy stage, is expensive. And from what I’ve been reading, there’s a lot of stuff to buy before the baby arrives, so perhaps a babymoon is not really in the budget and “staycation” or a more low key and close to home babymoon is the way to go. We looked upon our babymoon as our one last “hurrah” before the baby comes and that we won’t be taking any far flung vacations for a while, but stretching your budget if this isn’t easily done will probably just create unneeded stress.

In our private infinity pool at our villa at Le Meridien in Bora Bora.

6. What activities are you considering doing on the vacation? Some are not allowed or recommended in pregnancy including SCUBA, biking, etc. I managed to do some really interesting tours in French Polynesia where I snorkeled a lot and was even in stronger currents by breaks in the reef, but it was always with tour guides supervising and who knew the area well, so that I would not run into dangerous situations. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep up with swimming and snorkeling, never having done these while pregnant, let alone in my third trimester, but I was able to swim like a fish, but this was not the same for my ability walk, especially long distances- my body is slowing down to some degree and it’s important to realize you have limits that you may not have had before. If you’re going somewhere just for one particular activity, then it’s important to consider if you’ll be able to do it or how you might adapt the activity to suit your current condition.

Snorkeling in Rangiroa.

7. How difficult is it going to be to live your daily life while pregnant in this vacation spot?
(a) Is it going to be hard to find nutritious meals that your body tolerates and finds appealing? Eating out all the time when you’re used to cooking, or making protein shakes, or just a particular diet, can be distressing for the body- changes in fibre, amount of fat, acidity, etc can impact your body and my body seems particularly sensitive while pregnant. Plus, I’ve been craving fruit like crazy this whole pregnancy and when we reached the final few islands in French Polynesia, they didn’t really have any fresh fruits or vegetables (except for once in a while) at the pensions, restaurants, or even for purchase at the one store, so I ended up feeling pretty desperate for produce. And you have to think of food borne illnesses. I had to refuse anything undercooked or uncooked (like raw fish), deli meat, soft cheeses, etc due to the risk of food borne illness (on past vacations I’ve been crazy and have eaten whatever and have contracted food borne illnesses, but then I was able to take Cipro antibiotics to get over this, but you can’t take that while you’re pregnant, so you have to be much more careful, especially because food borne illnesses can threaten the fetus, especially if you become severely dehydrated or have a fever);

Bora Bora.

(b) How are you going to deal with fibre problems if the food is different and you’re constipated to begin with? I took psyllium capsules and safe laxatives with me and also found prune juice in one location we were in for a week, drank a ton of water, exercised every day, and ate as much fruit and vegetables as I could find. Same for indigestion, make sure you have something you can take during pregnancy with you because foreign food or perhaps rich food that you might only eat on vacation can cause havoc with the digestive system, especially while pregnant;

(c) If you can’t drink the water there, how are you going to deal with this? I require a ton of fluids to begin with and while pregnant, even more so. For almost half of our vacation, we were in a remote archipelago, the Tuamotu islands, with no safe tap water. This meant that we had to either buy the water we drank in bottles, drink other fluids, and load up on as much fluids as we were provided with by the pensions that we stayed at at mealtimes. But it’s really annoying if you’re not used to it. For instance, having to remember every time you brush your teeth that you can’t use the tap water, can’t rinse with the tap water, can’t use the tap water on the toothbrush, etc. is difficult when your whole life you’ve happily drank and used tap water for everything. We were really happy to hit the Society Islands again and be able to drink and use the tap water (especially because in our remote islands the stores were far away, it was super hot and humid, and we had to carry all of the bottles of water back with us, usually on foot);

(d) How uncomfortable is the bed going to be? How many pillows will you be provided? In some of the places we went there was one pillow each. At home I’ve been sleeping with a kajillion pillows to try to get comfortable in the side only pregnant sleeping position. I anticipated this problem and brought one pillow with me (that I also sat on on the place to pad the seat more and provide some low back support), but even this was not really quite enough. In some places we were able to get more pillows, but even then in a lot of places the beds were very basic and hard and it was pretty uncomfortable;

On a tour in Huahine.

(e) If you go on tours, how often will bathrooms be available and how shocking will they be? I can attest to infrequent bathroom breaks being torturous on tours. But the tours themselves were once in a lifetime, so I’m glad that I did them. But be prepared to be uncomfortable and always carry Kleenex packs with you because bathrooms provided may not have toilet paper or you may be finding your own bathroom in nature;

(f) If you’re going somewhere much hotter, more humid, sunny, how will you ensure that you stay hydrated and not burn to a crisp or get “the mask of pregnancy” (which some women apparently get from sun exposure when they’re pregnant)? As I mentioned, I drank a ton of fluids, mostly water, took EmergenC and Gatorade with me and used them regularly, drank things like coconut water when available, rested regularly, and used a TON of sunscreen and reapplied (and wore a hat often and sunglasses and long sleeved shirts after swimming). But this can get tiring and annoying, so if you’re going to choose somewhere very different in climate, you have to be willing to commit. Also, clothing was annoying to find for the trip given that it was a different season and temperature at home than where I was going. I ended up wearing a few summer dresses that still fit from my previous life, found a pair of linen pants in a bigger size to wear on the plane to and from (but they were too hot to wear there), and found a swimsuit that fit well to wear everyday. Plus, I brought laundry detergent to wash things in the sink and a couple of times in a machine. We were gross and filthy by the end of the trip, but we survived (and I spent almost zero on clothes for the trip);

(g) Have you developed any anxieties while pregnant? Some women become afraid to travel or do certain things while they’re pregnant. Thinking that you can just “push through” this might not be realistic and you might not enjoy yourself. Some nervousness is normal. I mean, I had never taken a major trip while pregnant and I was worried, but with deep breaths, regular rests, and a supportive husband, it was okay and proved an adventure;

(h) Do you need access to internet/ WiFi/ cell service- we didn’t have access to any of these for all or part of the trip. It was like being Robinson Crusoe, which we enjoyed, but remember, you can’t just Google some pregnancy related symptom out of the blue, post something to Instagram, contact family, etc. You have to decide how disconnected you’re comfortable being and if you’re having a difficult pregnancy, obviously being this isolated and away from help is riskier;

(i) Where could you get medical help if you needed it? Obviously a checkup with the doctor should be your first step in deciding if you can/should even go away, or at least leave your province/state or country. But if something were to go wrong, what would you do (if you’re around 24 weeks or further on, the risk of having a premature birth where the baby would actually have a chance of surviving goes up and then you have to consider if there is a neonatal intensive care unit at any hospital where you’re going and if you have insurance or money of your own to cover these very, very steep bills)? My husband and I spent time considering these questions when choosing a babymoon location and where to stay, but honestly, in a lot of places there really isn’t any help. There might be a nurse, other than that, you’re being airlifted out (hence the travel insurance and understanding exactly what it covers) and even this is a risk because maybe they can’t get to you to help in time and maybe the medical centre you’re being sent to is still not adequate to solve your problem. It’s definitely a risk;

(j) Are there language barriers that would create problems in an emergency? I speak French well enough to survive pretty well and of course I took the time to polish up my French and learn some new phrases that I’d never had to use before like “I’m pregnant,” but in some places, you might not know any or much of the language. Sure Google Translate might help, but will you have access to an internet connection to use it? Obviously, if you’re staying somewhere bigger like a resort, there is usually someone who speaks multiple languages, but it’s worth considering how you would communicate that you needed help if the situation arose.

My husband walking along the beach in Tikehau.

I am really glad that we did go on a “babymoon” because it gave my husband and me 3.5 weeks together, without anyone around, and no work to impinge on our time together. My husband (who had been travelling for work most of the pregnancy), was able to bond more with the fetus, observing my stomach growing, feeling the fetus’ kicks, and talking to it. I found this very reassuring and the time with my husband made me feel calmer and like I would be better able to handle this new challenge that was upcoming, because I would have his support and love. His love for the thing was obvious as he talked to my stomach and sang to it. Plus, a change in scenery was really good for me mentally too (it helped me get out of my head more, dream, and exercise other parts of my brain like using a rusty language that I don’t usually use, French). Swimming every day except for three was great exercise that was gentle on my pregnant body, some sun, and the excitement of adventure was good for both of us. We met some really interesting people too and learnt a lot. Yes, there were challenges (that you can read about in the travel blog), but overall I’m really glad that we went for a babymoon and that it was French Polynesia, where we had our honeymoon- it was really special and we’ll remember it forever (and the fetus will be able to see pictures of the honeymoon when it gets older and know that when it was in utero it was listening to Tahitian ukulele music, enjoying vanilla sauce in the amniotic fluid, and warming itself under the equatorial sun).

Huahine at sunset.

15 and 16 Weeks Pregnant, Travelling While Pregnant, Shopping While Pregnant, More Blood Tests, Another Weigh in at the Endocrinologist's Office, and Colds Suck Way More When You Can't Take Any Medication

Current mood . . . (I'm the grumpy lobster)

I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. It's been two weeks since my last post to this blog, so I have a couple of weeks experiences to put into this post, including being 15 weeks pregnant, travelling while pregnant, Boxing Week shopping while pregnant, more blood tests, my latest visit to the endocrinologist, visiting the chiropractor for another adjustment, and being sick with a wretched cold while pregnant.

The day I was 14 weeks pregnant exactly, I left for a weeklong trip to Kamloops and then Vancouver to see my husband's family for Christmas and then do some Boxing Week shopping and see a friend in Vancouver. Taking a harbour flight from Victoria to the south terminal of the Vancouver airport was harder than before pregnancy, because the diesel fumes and the turbulence made my already nauseated stomach churn and get very close to throwing up for the 45 minute trip. All I could do was try to breathe through my mouth and chant to myself "don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up." Plus, dragging my suitcase (full of all the presents we were taking up to Kamloops plus my stuff) up the ramp at the docks to the terminal was way harder than I remember. I feel like someone has put a brake on while I'm trying to accelerate, so I can only do things at a sort of half-ass speed and force. I guess my body is trying to tell me to chill. This whole pregnancy I've been getting all sorts of messages from my body, the most frequent one being "nope!" It's hard for me to admit defeat and listen, but I guess the body knows its limits and I must obey.

Dark, cold, and very rainy, perfect conditions for turbulence on a seaplane.

On the seaplane.

In the shuttle from YVR south to YVR main terminal to catch my second flight.

Inconvenient and more frequent hunger has started to strike. I had to stop for a snack in the airport before my next flight. When the second flight was delayed, I didn't have time to grab anything to eat, as the time crept into lunchtime, and Air Canada didn't even give us any pretzels or anything to eat on the flight. Then they announced that we might have to turn around and return to Vancouver if we couldn't land in Kamloops because of the weather. Then the little girl beside me started eating a peanut butter cookie. I felt like a caged tiger ready to attack something or at least snarl. I did make it to Kamloops though. The trip exhausted me more than usual and I felt really nauseous and awful the rest of the day. My in laws were excited to see the pictures of the ultrasound that I had brought with me (it's heartening that they're interested in my pregnancy). My husband was able to join me in Kamloops in the evening and we spent the next five nights with his family.

I made gingerbread creatures including cats, angry octopus, and deadly jellyfish. How best to sum up the holidays?

Christmas was a nice affair since my husband's family celebrates it in a healthy and stable way that doesn't leave one feeling like they need treatment in  a psychiatric ward/detox for the next month. And while in Kamloops, at Real Canadian Superstore in the Joe Fresh clothing section, I found one bra, that while not stellar or maternity, fills in while I look for something better, and it was only $8 (this allowed me to stop wearing two old sports bras layered over each other every day which is what I had been doing up until that point).

Christmas morning. My husband first brought me up to his family's place nine years ago to show me what his Christmases had been like growing up. This is our tenth Christmas there.

Christmas night we took a walk to the field where my husband proposed to me nine years ago on Christmas Day.

One of my favourite Christmas gifts was the apron that my mother-in-law made for me.

Triumphant after finding a cheap bra at Real Canadian Superstore.

Kamloops really is beautiful in any season.

The day we were supposed to fly to Vancouver to spend a couple of nights downtown, we went to the airport and found a localized fog. Our flight time kept getting pushed back. After the fifth rescheduling, Air Canada abruptly cancelled our flight. Then all the flights in the airport were cancelled. There was complete pandemonium. Fortunately, we could stay with my husband's parents another night and we managed to get a flight the next day to Vancouver, reschedule our hotel in Vancouver, and then our flight back to Victoria, pushing them back by a day, but it was really inconvenient and six hours at the airport and a missed meal left me with the personality of a gremlin and led to a panic attack while we were waiting in a line to reschedule our flight in the crowded, hot, loud, and chaotic airport. The usual way to reestablish equilibrium after a panic attack, holding my breath for as long as possible and then breathing out slowly (and repeating as necessary until the carbon dioxide level goes back up in my body and I feel calmer) was much harder because I feel so breathless and short of oxygen from being pregnant (I pant when I walk, go up stairs, do housework, and sometimes just from changing, etc. as if I'm the most out of shape person in the world).

And let me add here to the travelling portion, the heightened sensitivity to smell that pregnant women have, makes travelling absolutely gross. There are way, way too many smells already when travelling, but when they are magnified it is really, really, really, really, really gross. Perfumes, halitosis, body odour, moth balls, cigarettes, alcohol, diesel fumes, food . . .  Ewww!

The next day, we flew down to Vancouver and then caught the Canada Line into downtown. I had difficulty handling a suitcase with carryon perched on top plus my purse and on the escalator going up to street level, the suitcase didn't get fully on a step and toppled over and pulled me down with it. I have never fallen on an escalator before and found it particularly terrifying when I was already highly anxious, exhausted, and not feeling well from travelling. I wrenched my right shoulder and neck and did something weird to my right knee, plus my tourmaline ring took a bite out of my right ring finger (I still have a scab over a week later, but who doesn't love jewellery with an attitude?). I was worried I might have injured the fetus, but so far nothing seems to be different. So, when they tell you that you're off balance and really not the same as you usually are when you're pregnant, I guess they're right. I'll have to be more careful.

Vancouver means delicious sushi at one of my favourite Japanese restaurants, ShuRaku, where the sushi chefs are excellent.

That night I developed pain in my right shoulder and numbness down into my right arm. I've had this before when my neck has been really out. I suspect that the tenseness I've been feeling, plus the fall on the escalator set something off. Over the next two days, my husband massaged my neck and back and things settled a bit, but it was really uncomfortable.

Lovely weather for Vancouver.

Shopping in Vancouver around Boxing Week is something I've done almost every year for 15 years. My sister and I used to shop for easily 12 to 14 hours. Well, I did not have anywhere near that stamina this trip. Firstly, I find I'm not walking as fast as I usually do and that I tire more easily. Secondly that neck and shoulder tension is really annoying and I abandoned wearing a purse after the first night and just stuffed my trench coat pockets. Thirdly, inconvenient hunger intervenes more often than it usually does and I find myself just wanting to have a cup of tea or a glass of water and a snack and a chat, rather than searching endlessly for something that I know won't solve my problems or make me happy. And finally, too many bathroom breaks are needed to shop successfully. I am still having to pee more often than usual and when I walk a lot, I get thirsty, then I drink more, and then I have to go pee even more.

Mmm delicious tuna sashimi in Vancouver.

But with the encouragement of my best friend from junior school and my husband, who both accompanied me shopping, I searched for a few items of clothing that will work during my pregnancy (hopefully). I mostly avoided actual maternity cloths because they seemed to be basically the same as normal items of clothing but really, really, really expensive and often in really crappy materials. I found a few tunics at various normal stores, a ruched maternity top at Old Navy (the ruching looks kind of weird but some article extolled its benefits when the stomach was more full, so we'll see), a normal dress in a bigger size at Old Navy, and a few pairs of leggings at Forever 21. I wore one of the pairs of leggings one day and it developed a line of holes down one leg, so I returned all the leggings and I'm still left with no bottoms (for more on Forever 21's disposable leggings see my post on my overpackaging blog). I have hit up an old school mate as to where to look in Victoria for maternity clothes, so I'll be taking another run at maternity bottoms sometime in the near future (especially because my main pair of leggings from Walmart now has holes in it, so things are getting kind of desperate).

Look at that Vancouver sunshine!

The day we were supposed to return to Victoria, it started to snow in Vancouver. It had been fine until then, but New Year's Eve Vancouver chose to return to its strange snowy winter. We called Harbour Air and they said that so far the flights were going out. As we walked around downtown, the wet snow did not seem to be letting up and we were getting covered in huge snowflakes and soaked. We returned to the hotel and called Harbour Air again. They told us that our flight was cancelled and there would be no replacement flights. The weather was too bad for the seaplanes to fly. Our only hope of getting out of Vancouver for under $800 (thanks to Canada's very, very, very expensive domestic flights) was to catch the ferry, but we had no car. I did not want a repeat of the dragging suitcases and falling on an escalator to the Canada Line, so we inquired about cabs and limos from the hotel. It turned out that a limo wasn't much more than a cab, so we ordered one to get out to the ferry. We couldn't believe it when a Lincoln Navigator was there to pick us up from the hotel. My husband and I had met exactly 10 years earlier in a chauffeur driven Lincoln Navigator on the way to a New Year's Eve party with mutual friends. And we capped off the decade by sitting in the back of a chauffeur driven Lincoln Navigator. Life works in mysterious ways. The vehicle was 10 years newer and we were 10 years older. Full circle, yet so much has changed.

Getting soaked in wet snow in Vancouver seems to be a recurring theme for our trips.

In the back of the Lincoln Navigator, 10 years old (and hopefully wiser).

At the ferry, we had to wait a while and the ferry was late leaving, but we cloistered ourselves in the SeaWest Lounge. My husband wondered if we should go and have a meal (we were into dinner range by this time), but I reminded him of the time that I had violent food poisoning from a BC Ferries meal and how I didn't want to risk food poisoning while now pregnant. He agreed. A ferry ride home got us to the door at about 7:30 PM. If we had taken the harbour flight we would have been home hours earlier, but at least we made it. We ordered in pizza and had a quiet New Year's Eve with our very meowy cat, who was happy to see us again.

Ten years since we met.

The cat was not impressed with the fireworks on New Year's Eve. I'm wearing my new cashmere robe in this shot and haven't gone a day without wearing it since Christmas when my husband gave it to me to replace my old and holey cashmere robe. That was my other favourite Christmas present.

My husband was off to Halifax again very early Monday morning.

Tuesday morning, I had blood tests for my thyroid and the second set for the IPS (the screening including two blood tests and an ultrasound to look for various disorders including Down Syndrome) I don't find out my results until I see Dr. Down next week.

More blood tests!

One of my new tunics from Vancouver.

At the endocrinologist's office on Wednesday, it was revealed that I had gained 2 kg or 4.4 lb in the one month since I had seen him last. He repeated again that I didn't have to gain ANY weight during this pregnancy. I told him that I was trying my best. He then said that he wasn't concerned about my weight gain, but that I didn't need to gain any weight during my pregnancy. Right. Well, for the first 14 weeks or so, I actually didn't gain any weight at all and in fact lost 0.2 pounds, but it seems that now I'm well into the second trimester, my  body is starting to gain some weight. Given that I'm pregnant this isn't surprising (at least it's not to me). And I did just come from the Christmas season, so food was different, more plentiful, and much more indulgent than normal for me.

With regard to my blood tests, my T4 level had dropped significantly and my TSH level was creeping back up (in other words going towards the hypothyroid range again, great for weight gain and feelings of depression and lack of energy, so this may further explain my weight gain and some of my feelings of continuing gloom). My endocrinologist said that my levothyroxine dose would have to be raised to 125 micrograms per day in order to put my thyroid levels back at optimal levels. My liothyronine dose will remain the same.

He also discussed how much treatment of thyroid disorders has changed during the course of his career and how we still don't really know how treatment of pregnant women for thyroid disorders has impacted the fetuses because there hasn't been a comprehensive study done of the IQ differences between the babies of women with hypothyroidism that weren't treated and women with well controlled hypothyroidism who were treated while pregnant (poorly controlled thyroid disorder in the mother can cause brain damage and IQ loss to the fetus).

He also told me that I need to try to bring my anxiety level down now that I'm well into my second trimester. Maybe now that the "festive" season is over this will be easier.

The endocrinologist called the fetus the conceptus. He didn't like our nickname of "the thing" or "the thing from the swamp." I tried to explain to him that since we don't know what it is and it's floating around in amniotic fluid, it kind of is the thing from the swamp right now (plus I find that by making it more funny and less personal, I can deal with the concept(us) better, because I'm still feeling really nervous about the possibility of things not working out and having another miscarriage, despite being into the much lower risk second trimester.)

I spent part of this week drafting a background document that my husband has to send to the ombudsperson who is trying to resolve our dispute with our insurance company, who is still refusing to pay the balance of our prescription drug costs from our fertility treatments (they have short changed us by about $6,500). Sadly, it doesn't surprise me that an insurance company would rip a policy holder off because I used to represent plaintiffs all the time against greedy, dishonest insurance companies who preferred to take premiums and then not pay policy holders what they were entitled to. I'm just pissed off that I have to spend the time doing this and have the increased stress, which isn't good for me, especially while pregnant. But I feel it's important to keep insurance companies on their toes, because if no one speaks up they will become increasingly dishonest and abusive towards policy holders, who are more vulnerable and not able to defend themselves.

The cat is really tiring of being smothered.

And now onto the rhinovirus. Monday, I had a terrible sore throat and stuffiness starting in the evening. Not surprisingly, Tuesday morning I woke up with a full blown cold. Colds suck worse now because I can't take any cold medication. Last time I was pregnant, I came down with an awful summer cold and was on the verge of getting a sinus infection when I had the miscarriage and was then able to take cold medications and decongest my sinuses. I am worried about the possibility of a sinus infection from this cold too, as I am really, really congested and all I can do is take some Tylenol and use saline spray and drink lots of fluids and eat and drink citrus fruits and other fruits and vegetables high in vitamin C. Plus, being really sick when you're living alone is awful. I know that I have no one to turn to if this worsens and I have do everything around here myself and I'm already so exhausted that I just feel like a reanimated corpse. Fortunately, my husband returns tonight, so I'll have someone to witness my misery and share my virus with (just kidding, I really don't wish this rhinovirus on anyone!).

So, so sick. Ugh I hate colds.

At least I have a companion who's always down to nap.

Today, I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment. My neck and shoulders and upper back have continued to be very tense and sore and my low back and pelvis are still going through something. I would have rather stayed home because I was feeling so awful from the cold, but I knew if I left the adjustment any longer, things would worsen. It doesn't help that I've had myself propped up on more pillows in bed, because I'm so congested. The chiropractor said that I'm very tense and that I should return in a week for another adjustment, but sooner if I have any numbness down my right arm again (I'm hoping that my neck has settled after that fall on the escalator though. I haven't felt any numbness in a week now).

With regard to physical and mental symptoms in general over the past two weeks, I would say that feelings of nausea have decreased, though some days I still feel pretty awful or I'll get short bouts of nausea usually when I've waited too long to eat or I've eaten too much or something too rich (indigestion seems to be happening more often now too), but the feelings of exhaustion have continued to be a real pain. While I did manage to get out for a few walks on the trip, including some quite long ones in Vancouver while shopping, I'm still feeling inordinately tired. I have noticed more nasal congestion (and my husband when around says more snoring). This is apparently normal from increased blood flow which makes the sinuses swell. Constipation still is a problem on and off, but with a high fibre diet, psyllium in the evening, and prune juice every day, it's generally better. On a positive note, I would say right now that my skin has settled down and is looking more clear. The breast tenderness is still pronounced and annoying. As I mentioned above, my body feels tense and sore. I find it difficult to get comfortable in bed and I know that's not going to improve. I'm still having very vivid dreams and a lot of nightmares, which sometimes startle me awake and leave me in a highly anxious state trying to settle back down to sleep for the next hour. With regard to my mental state, I feel slightly less anxious and depressed than a couple of weeks ago, but still not in a stable state. I suspect the lithium level is still not quite right and in any event, the stress of the holiday season, travelling, and continuing family strife is not conducive to feeling happy, stable, or calm. I am hopeful that my mood and anxiety level will improve.

The latest amaryllis in my collection put on a spectacular show.

And now the cat and I await my husband's return from back east. He'll be home for a few weeks probably, so hopefully he'll be able to come with me to the developmental ultrasound (18-20 weeks) if that happens before he leaves to go back east for work. I still have not received an appointment from the ultrasound clinic, so we'll see. Also upcoming, more blood tests, this time to measure my lithium level and kidney function for the perinatal psychiatrist, another appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist, ongoing and now monthly acupuncture, a monthly check in with my maternity doctor, Dr. Down, and another visit to the chiropractor. And I'll be going for an electrocardiogram or EKG/ECG of the fetus at Victoria General Hospital on January 27th.

The cat will be happy not to be the sole focus of my affection for a while.

Halfway Around the World and I Can't Stop Thinking of You

Whenever something bad happens in my life, my usual instinct is to flee (though other times fight is my reaction). This summer has been filled with vivid and perhaps drastic examples of me trying to run from the pain of my miscarriage after waiting years to become pregnant. 

View from the Nativity Tower of Gaudi's La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, Spain

Going up to Kamloops to stay with my parents in law gave me a break from being at home in the usual routine of writing, housework, and seeing where the whole miscarriage scene unfolded. I caught up on sleep that I had lost, started exercising again, basked in my parents in law's love, and felt somewhat stronger when I returned home to Victoria.

Coming back from Kamloops I looked better rested than I had on the way up.

I then turned around almost immediately (four days) and left again for three weeks in Europe with my husband. We had been planning to go to Europe this summer or early fall anyways (depending on the IVF schedule/ pregnancy and waiting for the first trimester to be finished) so we seized the opportunity to do it in July before getting onto the next IVF schedule.

The cat was displeased with the reappearance of suitcases which signaled our imminent departure.

I had long dreamed of showing my husband Amsterdam and Barcelona where I had found so much wonder and joy as a teenager. Returning to the former 18 years later and the latter 20 years later was sure to be interesting. What new things would I notice? Would they be significantly different? The world is shrinking, how would that impact two of my favourite European cities? Would this cruise that we had received basically free of charge after our last disastrous cruise with Costa last year be better? I had never been to a couple of the Spanish Islands and Italian cities that we were stopping at on the cruise or Monaco, what would I learn from these places?

Exploring Amsterdam 18 years older than I was last time.

I was also nervous. What if something wasn't right after the miscarriage? After all, I hadn't been examined during or after it and had not had a D&C (it had just happened naturally). What if I discovered a uterine infection while I was away? Or what if the bleeding suddenly started again and became uncontrollable? If the condition was apparently stable before leaving, but hadn't been examined by a doctor and it reappeared, would it be a pre-existing condition, not covered by our travel insurance (yes, a lot of this anxiety is from my past as a litigation lawyer representing clients who were denied travel insurance coverage and other insurance coverage).

Panorama from our room at the W Barcelona.

The break away from home and all of the new sights and familiar sights were good (see my travel blog: www.tworestlesswanderers.blogspot.ca), but no matter where I went I was often preoccupied and sometimes even brought to tears, thinking about the baby that I had just lost. In the old protestant church, Oude Kerk, in Amsterdam, I lost it and started crying, despite the fact that I was in public, as my husband handed me a candle to light for the baby and one for ourselves.  I was halfway around the world, in someone's dream vacation (certainly mine), and unable to escape from this fresh loss in my life.

I was sombre lighting a candle in Oude Kerk in Amsterdam for our dead baby.

It proves that when you're running from yourself and your own grief, there is nowhere far enough that you can go. There is no escape. You have to feel the hot tears stinging your eyes, the tightness in your throat, the crushing feeling in your heart. You just have to feel. It's painful, but there is no escape.

The view from the W Barcelona's infinity pool.

Beauty around me, I scrambled to make sense of this world. I had expected to be taking this trip pregnant, happy in the almost certainty that I would finally have a child and now all I had was the bloated body of someone who had freshly lost a pregnancy. I couldn't help but ruminate. How could I not be able to get pregnant for years and then finally get pregnant on the eve of having IVF done and then lose the baby? Why is it that people who don't want to get pregnant get pregnant and actually carry the baby to term, but I couldn't? I know that life isn't fair and I've struggled with this concept my whole life (especially as a lawyer, sharing the pain of injustice with my clients, don't even get me started on insurance companies). My Myers-Briggs Personality Type, INFJ, makes me a very strong believer in justice, so really I'm just fighting myself. I guess I'll just never feel comfortable with how this world really is. But if you give up the fight, what is there left in life?

One of my favourite paintings from the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, Jan Steen's "The Dancing Lesson." Yes, I too loved to make cats dance as a child and I still do (much to Lamont's delight).

It being summer vacation, there were children everywhere. Harried parents, tired from travelling, and probably from their children's antics, didn't look grateful enough to be parents to my child hungry eyes. I know that children are annoying and try your patience and I get that not every day is a great day, but I've been waiting so long for a child, I hope that I'll appreciate every day if I ever become a parent. And it's hard not to doubt that I will ever be a parent, especially after this fresh loss in my life.

The remains of a dead teenager from Pompeii. I found the remains of the dead child too macabre to even photograph.

My husband I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary on our last full day in Europe. We have grown more in love with each other every year (we've been together 10 years this New Years Eve), but a giant hole has been left in our lives, as we have been unable to have a child or two to grow our family and enhance our lives. We talked about children's names the night we met, having children was an important goal for both of us, and we've still be unable to name a child, hold a child, or move on to a new stage of our lives.

In the Grand Central Hotel Barcelona's rooftop infinity pool on our eighth wedding anniversary.

On the other hand, we've had much more of a chance to be adults without children than most people ever have (except those who never have any children). We've been able to both obtain advanced degrees, try out various and diverse careers, have more leisure time and hobbies, travel the world, and get to know ourselves to an almost unnerving degree. We've skipped across various islands of French Polynesia, wandered north to south through Japan, and strolled through many countries in Europe together (this year and last year) and Morocco (last year). Dreams like returning to Amsterdam and Barcelona, seeing a giant EDM concert with David Guetta in Ibiza, exploring the ruins at Pompeii, or gazing off into the sea in Monaco where Grace Kelly might have stood, might not have ever been possible if we had had children earlier.

Taking in the famous Monaco view.

In Ibiza for David Guetta's "Big" EDM event.

I thought that returning from Europe, my resolve to proceed with IVF would be stronger than when I left, but I'm finding the contrary. Perhaps I'm just exhausted. Also, my period which was supposed to show up a few days ago (so I could inform the Victoria Fertility Centre what my Day 1 is so that they can book me in for an IVF cycle starting with my next cycle) has not shown up. Perhaps my body is still confused after the miscarriage, or by the 9 hour time change, or by traveling, or there is that other remote possibility that I can't risk hoping for anymore (even if I were to be pregnant, which is highly unlikely, what if I miscarry again? I don't think I would survive that mentally).

Lamont has the right idea. Take it easy.

So, now I wait to see where I am mentally and emotionally with regard to when to start IVF and physically for my period which is necessary for me to even tell the clinic when I would be ready to start IVF. Sitting with the unknown is terrifying and highly uncomfortable, but at least I am home with my cat now. Lamont's the best life coach I've ever met.

My guru gazes off into the distance, fake crow disciple awaits the latest life lesson.