My Natural Pregnancy After IVF: Hopes, Fears, Trials, and Heartbreak

I found myself back in a hospital gown again . . .

I had two cycles after giving birth to my IVF baby. Then for some reason I didn’t get my period when I thought that I would. I chalked this up to irregular cycle length postpartum. Since I had only ever been pregnant once naturally (and that had taken me six years and had ended in a miscarriage at six weeks) I had refused birth control postpartum. I definitely wanted to give my child a sibling and I thought that if by some miracle I was to get pregnant, that would save me having to pay big dollars for either a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) since we have several embryos frozen from our last round of IVF or if those all didn’t work out even bigger dollars for another round of IVF (or possibly more than one round as many people have to go through multiple rounds).

There are a variety of figures, ranging from 17% to 33.3%, of the number of IVF patients who become pregnant naturally with another child postpartum. I had even been warned at the hospital by a couple of nurses and a doctor that they had seen IVF patients achieve pregnancy even before their first postpartum physical. It seemed impossible to me though that I would ever be so lucky as to achieve another natural pregnancy and actually see a baby at the end of it. My first baby took seven years for me to hold in my arms and I still felt demoralized by the whole experience of unexplained infertility, miscarriage, and then having to go through the physically, emotionally, and mentally challenging process of IVF.

But I still didn’t get my period. My husband was away on a business trip and I was too afraid to take a pregnancy test without him. I hoped so much that I was pregnant and would have been crushed if I wasn’t, but was sure that I couldn’t be, so wanted his support in finding out that I wasn’t. At the same time, I started craving oranges like crazy (this is my pregnancy “tell” as last time I was pregnant I ate my way through a tonne of oranges). Things started to smell and taste different. I wasn’t enjoying some foods that I usually enjoyed.

My husband returned and I took the final pregnancy test in a box that we had bought when I was undergoing IVF. It turned positive almost immediately. Then it estimated the number of weeks. We were stunned. Our baby was only a few months old and we didn’t know how we would handle having two such young children, but we were filled with hope. Then fear. What if I wasn’t actually pregnant? What if I miscarried again?

I could not believe the positive result on the pregnancy test.

We took this photo the day we found out we were pregnant. We were so incredibly happy.

 I booked an appointment to see my doctor immediately after the weekend. My doctor sent me for a series of three hCG tests to confirm the pregnancy and check that it was progressing (unlike my first pregnancy that petered out at six weeks and ended in a miscarriage). The tests done two days apart over the week showed strong hCG with proper increases. My husband and I, who had been too afraid to tell family up to this point, told our families. We couldn’t believe it. They couldn’t either.

I met my family doctor again and he said that based on the results it looked like a viable pregnancy. I went home and within the hour began to bleed profusely. I was sure I had had a miscarriage again. I was sent to emergency. I was given a blood test and sent home with no answers. I returned to a different emergency department at a different hospital for an ultrasound the next morning. Then I waited for the results in that emergency department for seven hours while a heartless bitch of a nurse told me that I was the lowest priority and they “might” get to seeing me that day, but since I wasn’t an emergency I might not be seen. I sat in the uncomfortable hospital chairs alone as my husband took care of our baby.

The doctor in the emergency department who finally saw me said that the fetus was alive and he had no way of knowing if the pregnancy would continue or not but for now it looked fine. He said I had to see a high risk obstetrician. I was referred back to my family doctor to get a referral.
My family doctor told me I would definitely have to be under the care of a high risk obstetrician because I had two subchorionic hemorrhages in my uterus (and that is where the bleeding came from). He referred me to a high risk obstetrician.

Then I had another bleed four days later.

Then another bleed two days later with more cramping.

I was sent to emergency again, at another hospital (my third). I waited all day to see a doctor, get an ultrasound, and then see a doctor again (about ten hours while my mother watched the baby since my husband was away travelling again). The subchorionic hemorrhages had increased in size but the fetus was alive and my hCG levels were good. The ER doctor tried to refer me to a high risk obstetrician but they told her that they wouldn’t take me and I’d just have to find a regular maternity doctor for now.

I had difficulty finding a maternity doctor taking patients (and one who I saw told me that this interview could all just be “a waste of time” since I had been having bleeding.) My old maternity doctor who was stopping obstetrics took pity on me and took me in.

I had been referred for a follow up ultrasound (the emergency department lost the referral, but then found it and sent it to the ultrasound booking department about a week later, after it was supposed to be done). I had the follow ultrasound about two weeks after my last emergency room ultrasound and the fetus was kicking its little leg buds around with a strong heartbeat. I couldn’t believe it. I cried with joy.

The fetus was kicking its little leg buds (on the right) during the ultrasound.

I had the normal blood tests done and the first ones to test for major chromosomal abnormalities. I had a couple of different visits with my maternity doctor.

I continued to wear pads fearing bleeding through my pants again as I had three different times in the pregnancy. I had three weeks of no bleeding.

Then it started again. But it wasn’t fresh blood this time, it was old blood. The forums I read talked about people’s subchorionic hemorrhages draining old blood sometimes. Days passed. I saw the doctor and he said it was too early to hear the heartbeat in the office with his doppler. He palpated my uterus. There really wasn’t anything he could do. He said it might be the body shedding old blood or it might be something worse. I would just have to wait and see.

The bleeding increased that night. I went to bed and the cramps that had been uncomfortable became really uncomfortable in the night. In the early morning fresh blood started. The cramps increased more and more.

I called my doctor. His assistant said she would try to get an ultrasound for me as soon possible or I could go wait in emergency again. I declined emergency care as I had already been told if a miscarriage started there is nothing that can be done.

My husband was away again on a business trip and I had to care for my baby alone at home that day while the bleeding increased more and more and now hunks of tissue started to come out. I was horrified and felt physically awful on top of the crushing mental and emotional blow that I was experiencing. Again.

My husband tried to get back earlier but had difficulty getting back much earlier than he was scheduled that night. I yelped as tissue coming out of my uterus hit the toilet water with loud splashes. I couldn’t believe I was going through this. And going through a miscarriage was so much worse at 11.5 weeks pregnant than 6 weeks pregnant. The amount of tissue and blood was so much more. It was harrowing.

The next day, my husband and I asked my sister to care for our baby and we went to the ultrasound at the hospital. I prepared myself for the inevitable. The technician was weird and not helpful like the past few I had had. He didn’t point the screen at all in my direction and there was no second screen, but I didn’t need one to tell me that the baby was dead and long gone. My husband peered at the screen and said he didn’t see anything. They sent in a radiologist who looked at the images and informed me what I already knew, that I had miscarried and that there was no fetus left, only some tissue. My grief was so intense I was almost numb.

My doctor called later that day to discuss the miscarriage. He said if I stated bleeding really, really heavily or seemed to have an infection, go to emergency. And if I bled for more than about two to three weeks then go to emergency. And that was it. I could go in and see him and discuss it more, but what was the point.

I spent the next couple of days cancelling my next ultrasound, cancelling my lab tests, and cancelling my next appointment with my endocrinologist who was only seeing me more frequently because I was pregnant. And I bled and bled and bled.

I sank into the grief like an icy bathtub, my numbness preventing me from even crying most of the time. Then the rage. How could this have happened again? Why had I had to suffer again? Why had this had to distract me from my recovery from my last pregnancy and getting to know my baby? Why had I had to suffer for almost three months with this difficult pregnancy (which had a lot of nauseous, dizziness, and exhaustion) and bleeding off and on for nothing? Why do people who don’t want children get them and without any effort? How could I ever trust my body again? Would I ever be able to give my baby a sibling? How could I ever go through another pregnancy knowing that 66.6% of mine have ended in miscarriage now?

Christmas, a time of the year that I already find very challenging emotionally was further mired by the bleeding, hormones, and despair that I felt from the miscarriage. My only child's first Christmas should have been a time of great joy, but I had trouble focusing on the holiday rather than the heartbreak.

Three and half weeks later I have progressed through to a profound sadness, but those questions still remain unanswered. As my bleeding is just ending now, I still don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to try to give my baby a sibling again via FET or IVF. I am haunted by the memory of the fetus kicking on the ultrasound (I never got to see the first pregnancy’s fetus because it died at six weeks so this has intensified my grief if that’s possible), knowing that I will never get to hold this baby in my arms. I hold my living baby all the tighter.

I hold my baby all the tighter.

What it's Like Having My Pregnancy Reach Full-Term After Having a Miscarriage and Having IVF

From a beautiful blastocyst to a fetus that's reached full term, this has been an incredible journey . . .

When I reached 38 weeks pregnant, four weeks ago, all I could think was I can’t believe it. I know I keep saying it, but I can’t believe I managed to make it this far. But I approached this from a different angle than many pregnant women who had not had trouble conceiving, who had not suffered a miscarriage (after only managing to conceive after six years of trying), and who had not then paid thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars for fertility treatments and drugs to become pregnant again (and I had it easy compared to other women who have more than one miscarriage and/or undergo more than one round of IVF treatments to get pregnant or are unable to get pregnant at all even after all of these costly, stressful, and uncomfortable interventions).

No one dreams that making a baby will be like this . . .

I’m not saying that “regular” pregnancies don’t come with fears and worries, I’m just saying that going through the above things changes you and puts you into a different category of fear I think. That twinge in the abdomen could be the start of a miscarriage, not feeling the fetus move for a while could mean that it’s dead. And with IVF treatments, after shelling out all of that money, even if you do everything perfectly, you still might not get pregnant, the fetus might not survive, etc.. It has been very stressful over the past year and a half having consultations with an IVF specialist, finding out we were pregnant without IVF, suffering a miscarriage, undergoing IVF, and then finding out that we were pregnant from the first round of IVF. It’s been hard to enjoy most of the pregnancy worrying that this might be the last week that I’m pregnant or that something really horrible will go wrong (again).  There has been no planning a nursery, buying baby clothes and supplies in the second trimester, or prattling on in excitement about baby names. My husband and I have been holding our breaths and just hoping and hoping that we will actually make it through this pregnancy. Whether or not we have a proper theme for the nursery or fabulous outfits for the baby have been the least of our concerns.

Strangely, I had actually had absolutely no pregnancy complications (until the minor ones pointed out at the end in my post at 38 weeks which led to a recommendation that I be induced before 40 weeks), which after the prelude to this pregnancy I found really amazing. I have not had gestational diabetes, I have not had preeclampsia, I have not had placental problems, the doctor has not had concerns about the fetus’ size or placement or heartbeat or anything. It’s been almost eerie after the last year of hell (June 15, 2016 is when I started miscarrying my first pregnancy).

The fetus in stargazer position at our last ultrasound.

There are times when I feel upset thinking about how I have not allowed myself to enjoy much of this pregnancy at all and have not reveled in the excitement of imminently becoming a mother, but there is nothing that I can do to change the past, my reality, and would I want to? Adversity make people more resilient, empathetic, and gives them a different perspective to others.

Our first ultrasound where we found out we were pregnant from IVF.

People have looked at my husband and me strangely when we’ve referred to the fetus as “the thing” or “it” even when we knew the sex, but it’s been our way of surviving the uncertainty of whether or not the fetus will actually survive. Being once removed has been a coping mechanism that we have employed to try to avoid as crushing of a heartbreak as we had with our first pregnancy that turned into a miscarriage. There is no way to avoid that crushing heartbreak, but this is just how we have coped.

Our "babymoon" was the first time we really let ourselves believe that things might work out and that was entering the third trimester.

Yes, it would be nice if I could join in in vacuous conversations about what theme to make a nursery, what the “in” colour is for a boy or a girl baby in 2017, and what is a hip name, but when I really think about it, maybe ruminating on how lucky I am to be pregnant at all is more valuable. I will never take for granted that I have a child. That child will never feel that he or she was an afterthought, not wanted, or was just an effortless sort of life stage. This child will feel that they were wanted more than anything and will know that my husband and I did everything that we could to bring them into this world and that we would do anything for them. If their nursery is not as themed or their clothes are not as matched as they could be that will be less important than them knowing that they are loved and cherished.

I know that others are not so lucky. On the IVF boards that I have read, I have seen people that go through one, two, five, ten, thirteen different IVF treatments and some of them can’t get pregnant or keep miscarrying. I don’t know how someone has the strength to go for another round after than many unsuccessful attempts. I only had to do one round of IVF and I know I’m truly lucky for that, but when I describe to other people who have never done IVF how many drugs I was on, how much it cost, how many injections a day that I had to give myself (after a lifelong fear of needles too) they look on in shock and horror. It just goes to show that it’s all relative. Until one has crossed one bridge or had one experience, one can’t know how one will feel about another experience. I never would have though that I would have the strength to get through a round of IVF, but I did. I couldn’t picture having to do a second round, but maybe when one crosses that first bridge, one finds the strength to try again and again and again. I’m not sure how people decide when to give up if they are not successful. I imagine a lot of this is influenced by finances. In Canada, IVF is more expensive than in some places in the U.S. for instance, and your private insurance may or may not cover a portion of it (ours was supposed to cover the drugs, but not the procedure itself, but then our insurer tried to slither out of this too until we fought them- then they did refund the cost of the drugs). But maybe after a while, one just can’t take the stress, physical strain, and heartbreak anymore.

My heart goes out to those who are struggling with fertility issues. I think this is one of the most painful things that people suffer from in our society, particularly because it is shrouded in a veil of silence and shame. I have been vocal with people I know and meet and in this blog because I think that people need to start talking about this important issue more to reduce the stigma and perhaps create lasting change.

I feel like I’ll never be the same again after the heartbreak and stress that I have suffered on this fertility journey, but at the same time, our experiences make us who we are, and having more empathy, compassion, and resilience is probably a good thing. The key is to not let it make me feel bitter or like a victim. And part of that process is by feeling empowered, taking charge, and for me this has been in the form of speaking out about fertility issues in public and on this blog to increase the visibility of this often hidden issue. I want to try to decrease the stigma of infertility and fertility issues. In my mind there shouldn’t be any shame associated with this.

In some places, the government funds or partially funds treatments like IVF, but not here in British Columbia. The government funded medical system will fund a visit to a fertility doctor and diagnostic tests to determine what might be causing infertility or fertility issues, but our system does not fund the treatments themselves. So that means if one is diagnosed with some type of infertility, male or female or both or the more mysterious unexplained infertility or one is single or in a same sex couple, etc. and one wants to have children and a procedure like in vitro fertilization is recommended to conceive, the entire cost of this procedure will be paid for by the person having the procedure unless they have some sort of health insurance that covers some amount of the procedure or the drugs required for the procedure or potentially both (and that’s assuming that the insurance company doesn’t deny your claim for no reason). Funding of Artificial Reproductive Technologies (ART) will never change unless people are more vocal, demand it, or if it is seen to be a significant and important societal issue. I’m not advocating that it should be funded, but many think that it should be and they may complain and grumble about this, but they don’t do so in a public forum where there is actually a hope for government people seeing their dissatisfaction with the status quo so that there is any hope that it might be changed.

I must own that I was nervous about speaking out about this journey in the beginning on a blog, using my name, pictures of myself, and sharing so many details about my journey, but I felt that in order to be authentic and true to myself I had to. Yes, I could hide in the shadows like so many people who have fertility issues, but if I spoke out, maybe I could help someone else who was suffering from fertility issues. Even if I only helped one person, I thought that that would be enough to make it worthwhile. The hits on my IVF blog climbed far faster than they did on my other three blogs and since its creation, 14 months ago, my IVF blog has had over 58,000 hits from countries all around the globe. Creating and maintaining this blog has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. So many people have reached out through comments on the blog and through various social media channels to give me support and share their own stories of fertility issues. Struggles with fertility are a lot more widespread than I had ever imagined and will likely become more so as our age of marriage and childbearing continues to climb or it will appear to be so as more and more people start to speak out publicly about their fertility issues.

I would like to thank my husband and family for not attempting to censor me at all in my blogging. They have allowed me to be myself, express how I’m truly feeling, and try to convey to others what this experience was truly like for me. No doubt we’ll be back here again in the future when we try for our second child, but in the mean time, thank you to everyone who has read my blog, shared it, commented, and reached out. It is only through having a meaningful relationship with other humans that we can evolve as a human being and as a society as a whole.

This thing is ready to come out of me . . .

36 Weeks Pregnant- Long Weekend Fighting with Former Landladies, Shopping for Stuff for the Fetus, Chiropractor, Lunch with Friends, Massage Therapy, Packing a Hospital Bag, a Baby Shower, and Continuing to Unpack the House

Irises in the spring are always beautiful.

Today, I hit the 36 week mark in my pregnancy. I only have four weeks left until my due date. My terror has been switching from the pregnancy ending by miscarriage or stillbirth to me ruining this child’s life with bad parenting decisions. I know a lot of women at this stage are dreading labour and while I can’t say that I’m looking forward to it, I’ve had some horrific surgeries and there are pain killers available, so I’m sure I can survive it. My existential worries plague me more. Will my child be sitting here 37 years later mired in angst caused by my parenting choices? I hope not.

36 weeks pregnant.

Last weekend was a long weekend and should have been a lovely time for my husband and I to catch up on some rest and time together (our last long weekend before the due date), but instead we had to finish cleaning our former apartment before handing the keys back to our landladies. I had spent days cleaning leading up to the Saturday, so that we would not have to spend our whole weekend cleaning there. On Saturday, we cleaned for hours and hours and we thought the place looked much better than the state that we had received it in (our landladies complained repeatedly that the former aged tenant had not cleaned well enough- oh could that be because she was over 80?!). We asked the landladies to meet us the next day to inspect the place. The next day we went over and only one of them was there. She walked through and said how wonderful the place looked. Strangely, she had no condition inspection report from the Residential Tenancy Act documents that are required, but we thought that her friendly parting of wishing us well with the baby, saying what a good job we did, and her taking the keys from us and saying that she would send us the damage deposit and the last ten days of the month’s rent that she had said she would pay back for us leaving early was enough. Well, think again.

We spent the rest of the weekend entrenched in an acrimonious email chain as she kept coming back with more and more things that were wrong with the place, more and more that she wanted to deduct from our paltry damage deposit (we had already spent over $200 of our own money towards getting back our $625 damage deposit on cleaning the blinds in the place professionally because they required us to, even though the company couldn’t even clean some of them because they were so old they just needed to be replaced). Eventually we just offered that one hour of minimum wage be deducted from our damage deposit for them to hire someone to clean the oven further which is what they kept whining about the most (even though when we moved in the oven had a gap in the glass and it was never repaired or replaced the whole 4.5 years that we were there). They moaned about how it would cost at least double that to get the oven cleaned and we knew that (what?! We don’t know how much it costs to hire people to clean ovens, as we don’t have that luxury). We told them that if they wanted anything more they could go to an arbitration with us. This really pissed them off, but they backed off after some they made some more nasty comments towards us. The whole experience has been so stressful and negative, it almost makes me never want to rent again, but then I remember that the average property price on the market in our area of Victoria is $1.94 million and I think, oh yeah, I can’t buy (and this market is due for a major correction).
We did some more organizing in the new place and shopped at Walmart and managed to acquire a few more things for the fetus. My round ligaments and back were feeling so sore that I also looked for a pregnancy support belt (they are supposed to lift and support your growing stomach to help your back and hips and everything cope with the strain of the added weight and the unbalanced nature of the weight). Unfortunately, this proved to be difficult to find in Victoria and I ended up ordering one online from Amazon. It arrived yesterday and I’m still getting the hang of wearing this support belt that comes in three different pieces. It does feel like it holds things up and in more, but I can’t tell yet if it will actually help my pain and strain. Also, while they say that one could wear it under clothes, with all of the Velcro, I doubt that this would comfortable and unlike the listing, I think that people would definitely notice this bulk under your clothing. I’ve just been wearing it around the house over my clothing.

A side view of this pregnancy support brace.

I started having Braxton Hicks contractions again at the end of the weekend. This was particularly uncomfortable on Tuesday morning when I went to the chiropractor. My pelvis felt really separated and painful too (I’ve been hobbling around in pain especially when I get up from bed or the couch and I’m all stiff), I suppose because it’s preparing for the birth and as usual I’d done too much cleaning, organizing, and unpacking. My low back was also sore. Plus my neck was sore with pain and numbness radiating into my shoulders. Not that anyone wouldn’t have been tense after that weekend. After the TENS machine, heat, and an adjustment, I left. I’ll see him in a few weeks unless things worsen. Then I suppose I might not see my chiropractor again until after the birth.

The next day, I didn’t really feel the cramps from the Braxton-Hicks contractions and I went and had lunch downtown with friends. I also dropped by to see my husband at the office. And I went to Value Village to search for things for the fetus. Well, I totally overdid it, because the next day I was exhausted, sore, and felt very low. All I managed to do was go for massage therapy and do some cleaning and organizing around the house. At massage therapy my mid back and neck were feeling awful. My massage therapist says it’s probably not just tension, but also the weight of my increasing chest pulling things forward and down. My hips and thighs were really sore too. The pregnancy is really starting to feel more extreme. The belly is sticking out more and more and the thing still seems to be in a really high position. Its kicks and/or hits are really, really strong now. I don’t know if this is from the decreasing amniotic fluid that happens around this time, the decreasing room as it grows by a pound a week, or what, but when I’m hungry and haven’t started eating, it gets really angry and lets me know it.

Sen Zushi never disappoints for lunch in downtown Victoria.

All the books have been saying for a while to get a bag for the hospital packed for the mother, the partner, and the fetus. Everyone tells you different things to pack. It’s confusing and overwhelming. I mean, I don’t want to show up there with giant suitcases like I’m moving into the Four Seasons for a month, but I also don’t want to forget something because I’ll be there a little longer than “normal” pregnant women just due to the medications I’m on and the fact that they have to do blood tests a couple of days after the birth and put me on a new dose before I can leave (and observe me to make sure I’m doing okay). We have a tiny pile of stuff that we’ve started to take to the hospital, but I can’t pack a lot at this point, because my clothes are in use- I don’t have many at this point, so it’s not like I can just pack them up for potentially a month give or take days or weeks. But having something ready to go does seem like a good idea, because I doubt I’ll feel like packing when I have labour pains (the Braxton Hicks contractions feel like menstrual cramps and I certainly don’t enjoy them, so labour will undoubtedly feel much, much worse).

My husband and I have also been reviewing worksheets in the books given to us at the prenatal classes to figure out what to do leading up to the trip to the hospital (there might be 12-18 hours to kill before it’s time to go, but while I’m in early labour). The suggestion of the instructor to bake a cake seems like a delicious one, so maybe we’ll do that.

Today, my husband’s firm had a baby shower for us. I was shocked and overwhelmed that they wanted to hold one. I had kind of thought we’d skate through this whole pregnancy baby shower free. We had lunch at the firm, played a trivia game with my husband’s colleagues, and they gave us some very beautiful and thoughtful presents to open. Their kindness and interest in our pregnancy made us feel very special.

A view from a parkade downtown.

The new place is starting to feel more like home and readier to have a baby in, but I still really can’t picture what it will be like. It’s such an alien thought having something or someone else live with you when you’re used to it just being just the two of you or perhaps the two of you plus a cat (although now we don’t even have a kitty, so we are truly alone). But I guess we’ll find out soon enough. Apparently only 2-4% of babies arrive on their due date, so who knows when we’ll actually find out what it feels like, but now that I’m 36 weeks, it feels like more of a certainty that we actually will know what it’s like to be parents after a seven year odyssey to get there (including a miscarriage and a full cycle of IVF to get pregnant this time).

36 weeks pregnant.

35 Weeks Pregnant: How Did the Time Just Disappear, Another Visit to the Maternity Doctor, Nesting, and the Alien World of Baby Accoutrement

Last weekend, was filled with pregnancy related stuff, we did our last all day prenatal class on Saturday at the Mothering Touch, where we did more on labour, how to swaddle a baby, breastfeeding, and what the first two weeks postpartum might be like.

I'm sure that swaddling a moving baby is even worse than a doll . . .

A lovely lunch at Sen Zushi in the break for lunch during class was just what we needed.

After that class, we went to Toys ‘R Us to look at baby related stuff including strollers, bottles, car seats, etc. A lovely employee took pity on us when she saw us sitting on a shelf in the stroller section looking beleaguered and demoralized. She showed us some of the main stroller system models (ie. It has a car seat included) and how to collapse the strollers and take out the car seats (this is like some sort of magic- it’s going to take some practice to get used to a lot of this). She gave us so many helpful pointers for what we could look for in choosing a stroller system. She was so wonderful that we left the store feeling empowered and much less hopeless. We then went to Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up some diapers, baby wipes, bath stuff to bath the baby in, and some diaper rash cream. So, bit by bit we are getting ready.

Sunday was Mother’s Day and this time it felt somewhat less depressing as my husband and I had something to actually celebrate, we almost have a child in the flesh. It’s visible, the kicks can be seen through my belly and felt strongly by both of us, we’re almost at our due date, and should it be born premature it actually has a good chance of surviving.

My husband made me lovely blueberry pancakes on Mother's Day.

As of yesterday, I was 35 weeks pregnant, which means 5 weeks until my due date (neither of us can believe we’re down to five weeks less a day until the due date now- where did the time go?). Naturally, since only about 2% of babies show up on their due date, a due date is really just arbitrary and usually doesn’t mean much (unless you’re entirely punctual like I was and show up on your exact due date), but it gives the mother something to shoot for (in five weeks my bladder may not have the capacity of a squirrel’s bladder, I may not be getting up every hour to go pee at night, walking even short distances may not be an exhausting and painful production, I will have full lung capacity again). But it also raises terror within me. I’ve never done this before and the prospect of going into something without qualifications or education (excluding our two day long prenatal classes plus hospital tour) or a degree makes me feel more than a little uneasy. However, I suppose if millions of other people have managed it, maybe I can too. I just don’t want to destroy my child’s life. My fears are much more existential than focussed towards the labour itself (I’ve had so many major surgeries by this point that I can deal with the thought of physical pain, it’s uncertainty and psychological peril that bothers me).

35 weeks pregnant.

Now that I’ve hit 5 weeks from my due date, I feel especially driven to make sure that we have everything that we might need for the first little bit when the thing arrives. The prenatal classes gave some helpful suggestions of bare-bones essentials for a new baby and my husband and I have been working through the list. Unfortunately, the baby accoutrement industry is big business, which means that there are millions of options. Spoiler alert- they all cost way more than what you would thing tiny things that are basically disposable like everything else in our society would cost. We have had to spend quite a bit of time researching various items like strollers/car seat systems, formula and formula makers or bottle warmers (I’m only allowed to breastfeed for two weeks then I must switch to formula due to my medication), baby monitors, baby carriers, etc..

Then there’s the fact that we just moved. I’ve been working at a frantic and frenetic pace that has scared my husband more than a little, but I just feel driven to have things more or less unpacked and organized before the thing arrives and our lives become too chaotic and exhausting to be able to do much other than care for it and ourselves. I was unpacking a box of my old stuffed animals the other day and I came upon a few things that I started squirreling away for a future baby years ago when we were first starting to try to get pregnant. It had been so long since I had bought them that I had forgotten about them. I almost burst into tears when I thought about how hopeful we had been back then and how over time we had gradually become demoralized to the point where we could not even look at anything to do with children or babies, let alone buy anything (we didn’t really buy anything for the baby until a couple of weeks ago because we were so afraid that we would have another miscarriage).

My husband has been so busy with work that he hasn’t had much time to help in this quest to provision a nursery/baby, but he did come with me last night to pick up the stroller/car seat system that we ordered online from Canadian Tire, but had to pick up at the nearest store (we originally tried it out in person at Toys ‘R Us and liked it because it was smooth, good for rough trails like in parks and sidewalks without ramps, and its handle was high so perfect for two tall people like us). Lucky he did come with me too, the box was gigantic and heavy. All I can say is that these babies seem to come with a lot of baggage. But at least now that we have a car seat, we could actually have a baby at this point and get it back from the hospital. Trying to work the stroller and car seat last night after my husband put it together made me feel like an idiot and after a long day of cleaning the old place, organizing this place, more housework, errands, and shopping for baby clothes at the Salvation Army (and I finally used up that coupon they gave me for donating stuff last year- how thrifty) I felt so exhausted and demoralized that I just gave up and left the room. I guess it will just take practise.

Since I can't fit as much in my stomach anymore, yet get ravenous more often, small frequent meals seems to be the key. The thing was kicking like crazy when I was shopping at the Salvation Army, so I stopped to have a bowl of soup after.

This week I only had two pregnancy related appointments, massage therapy and the maternity doctor. The maternity doctor entailed giving a urine sample as usual, getting weighed, having my blood pressure done, having my fundal height measurement taken, and listening to the fetal heartbeat. The doctor still has no concerns. He palpated my abdomen (Ahhh! Bladder!!!!) to try to determine the position of the fetus, but was unable to tell without “significant further discomfort” he said. He agrees that it looks like it’s hanging out really high in my abdominal cavity, by my ribs (is that why I can’t breathe and keep having panic attacks?!), but he can’t tell if it’s head down or in breech. He told me that the fundal height measurement is on the large normal to perhaps just slightly over normal measurement, but nothing to be alarmed about, especially given the high position of the fetus. He said that next appointment, in two weeks, I will get the swab for Strep B, an examination of my cervix (oh goody), and at that point he will try again to determine the position of the fetus. If this is not possible or the fundal height measurement seems too big or anything else seems off, he will just send me for an ultrasound.  He gave the number for the answering service that I will call when I go into labour (apparently this often happens outside of office hours- inconsiderate babies!). He also discussed with me the different types of formula that exist on the market, which I really appreciated because I had no idea where to even start when looking for one.

At the maternity doctor's office.

Massage therapy I went to after a particularly gruelling day of cleaning the old place. My pelvis, low back, thighs, hips, and round ligaments are all really sore every day now, but after days of a lot of activity like cleaning, moving, unpacking, I hobble like an aged person. Getting out of bed is becoming more of a challenge, not just because of the nest of pillows and increasing bulk on my abdomen (the baby is apparently putting about one pound a week on by itself at this stage), but also because unfurling myself from the fetal position on either side which they advise you to sleep in when pregnant and then trying to go to an upright position, stretched out, is agonizing on all the overstretched ligaments, expanding skeleton, and overtaxed muscles. My massage therapist thought that my concern about not finding any stretches that really worked for me for stretching out my round ligaments might actually be overblown. She thought that stretching out overstretched ligaments might actually be bad and I should just follow the advice of my maternity doctor and put my feet up more and do less (easier said than done when you’re nesting and you only have just over a month left until your due date and need to create a functional nursery still). It did feel good having an hour long massage (albeit it was painful in various spots in particular like my low back and hips), but getting up after an hour and having to unfurl to a fully upright position with a very full bladder was very painful. Pregnancy is a lot more extreme than I thought that it would be, but I remind myself every day that I am so fortunate to get to experience this, let alone for this long, given that I couldn’t get pregnant for years, suffered a miscarriage, and had to have IVF to establish this pregnancy.

We spent today cleaning the old place (and then we went to Walmart to shop for more baby things- I could barely walk by the end and I’m absolutely exhausted now) and after our inspection with the two landladies we’ll be rid of it and I will then only have one address to manage. I can’t wait to have less gruelling cleaning/moving to do. A word to the wise, moving about a month before your due date is highly challenging and not pleasant. I would not recommend it.

Let this moving nightmare end. I'm sick of cleaning.

21 Weeks Pregnant: Fears for the Future, Preparing to Be Almost Completely Alone for the Next Month, Sleep (and Other PregnancyRelated) Struggles, Blood Tests, and Acupuncture

Current mood . . .

Today, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. In the past, before I was jaded by years of trying to get pregnant, my infertility struggle including countess tests and different therapies attempted, the miscarriage, and the uncomfortable process of IVF, I used to believe that I would just easily become pregnant and sail through the pregnancy. Now, every day seems like a miracle and perhaps even borrowed time like someone will just seize it all away and I'll be left with nothing again, heartbroken, and unable to carry forward. It seems like I could end up having a baby now that I'm over halfway through the pregnancy, but we've all heard stories about late miscarriages (and if they happen this late they need to be aided by a D & C, they don't just happen all naturally like my miscarriage) and still births. I'm terrified to be excited or even to really prepare much for the future. But then I think about how if I actually do have a baby (the odds favour this reality), I'll have no time to prepare after it has arrived, so maybe I should be preparing now.

It all overwhelms me. I can barely cope right now. My bipolar disorder has stabilized somewhat, but I'm still suffering regular  panic attacks (usually in the middle of the night), higher anxiety, and a low mood and very low energy. Plus, every time I check the local renting or real estate listings, I'm filled with a deep feeling of gloom that doesn't lift sometimes for days. I've never felt so trapped in my life. I have no idea what we're going to do. With regard to preparing as in getting things for a baby, we have nowhere really to put them and would just have to move them if we ever found a place, I'm scared I won't need them if I don't actually have baby, and I have no idea where to start and in the absence of anyone to help, I'm overwhelmed and terrified. I had always pictured that when I finally was pregnant it would be a happy time and that I'd have family and friends around who were excited (and might ask about ultrasounds, etc.) and could perhaps lend me some wisdom, but by in large this has not happened.

And now I contemplate being even more alone as my husband prepares to leave this coming week. We'll revert back to the schedule of him being gone all week, flying back for a brief day or so here, and then leaving again to go back east for work. This will happen for the next month solid (he arrives back partway through my birthday). By the time he's done, I'll be just crossing over in my third trimester. As the days tick by, my panic and feelings of being trapped increase. I think about how all the people I've watched pregnant have bought stuff and starting nesting like something out of an extreme home makeover show on HGTV (complete with coming up with baffling themes for their baby's nursery), even when they were totally not like that at all before they became pregnant and then I think about how I can't even figure out where we're going to live and how I have no nursery so even if I wanted to decorate it, I wouldn't be able to (not that I think that I would be, except for maybe the last minute when it seemed like I was definitely going to have a baby, doing it earlier would feel like a jinx I think). It just all feels so hopeless. As the rain falls outside the window, melting the last of the freak snow storm in Victoria, the world feels utterly grey.

Winter actually visited Victoria.

The promise of spring.

Goodbye, snow.

I know it is not helping that I haven't had a decent sleep in months. My maternity sleeping pillow has still not arrived and with the lackluster tracking information available from the Global Shipping Program at eBay, all I know is that it's somewhere in Canada right now and that it should be here in the next week. My collection of pillows is not working out that well and trying to get comfortable in bed feels like an epic and never-ending struggle. And once I get comfortable I have to pee. And once I fall asleep, I have nightmares and sometimes wake up in a full panic attack which takes me an hour or more to settle out of and back into sleep.

I wish I could sleep like my cat.

My appointment with my perinatal psychiatrist was rescheduled from this Tuesday to next Tuesday. But I had to get my lithium levels done in advance and I had rescheduled my appointment at the lab once due to snow and couldn't do it again without risking not having lithium levels available for my psychiatrist since Monday is Family Day in BC (I'll be alone with the cat). I see my psychiatrist on St. Valentine's Day. I guess at least it will get me out of the house, since I'll be alone for that day as well, as my husband is working back east all week. Getting to the lab was a little anxiety provoking as our rear wheel drive car is more made for hurtling down a dry highway than sliding around in slushy west coast snow, but I made it. I walked to the post office from the lab and it was a really slippery walk. I find that I am slower and less steady on my feet than I used to be and I can't imagine what women feel like late in their third trimester.

At the lab.

My lithium levels have come up a bit from my last lithium level test a month ago and are almost into the range they have been historically when I've felt the best, so it looks like I won't need an increase in my dose of Lithium Carbonate this visit. My psychiatrist told me that pregnant women usually only get one to two dose increases of lithium during their pregnancy. I guess we'll see. I'm still feeling like I might have to go back on Loxapine again given that I don't feel that stable yet, but my psychiatrist has pointed out in the past that anyone in my shoes would probably be feeling pretty anxious and depressed, so a lot of what I'm feeling is probably situational and not chemical. I guess I'll wait and see what she thinks.

Just let me curl up and sleep until spring.

The other blood test that I had done at the same time as the lithium levels and kidney function test (normal), was a full blood panel and screening for anemia. My maternity doctor said that by the third trimester something like 80% of women had to be placed on iron supplements due to anemia and since I was feeling tired all the time and had been anemic in the past (I don't eat red meat), it was worth investigating if I was anemic. The blood tests were all normal. My anemia test was just on the border of being normal and thus was in the category of "probable anemia". I await instructions from my doctor over whether or not I should start iron supplements and if so, which type.

I went for my monthly continuing acupuncture appointment this week. Since I'm further along, acupuncture for the first time was not done on my back, but was done lying on my front, using special pregnancy bolsters (it is a two pillow system with indents for the breasts and a face area, and they pull apart to let the stomach fall through when you're bigger). Situating myself on these bolsters, on top of the acupuncture table felt precarious. It was not that comfortable, but then nothing is at this point. She said that since I'm not sticking out much in the stomach, the two bolsters could stay together instead of pulling apart to create the gap for the stomach to fall through. She put a variety of needles into my neck, shoulders, and back (I've been really tense and sore in the neck, shoulders, and back), as well as needles into the lower legs for the meridians that connect to the uterus to support the pregnancy. Then I lay there face down for what felt like an eternity. I tried to focus on my breath, counting my breath, meditating to try to calm myself, but all I could focus on was my mounting feelings of panic with regard to the approaching due date, not knowing where we're going to live, not knowing what I need to buy to prepare, feeling completely alone and overwhelmed, and my husband's impending departure from town. Having him around for the past month and a half lulled me into a false sense of security. Now that I'm faced with being even more alone and isolated, I feel completely overwhelmed. Getting a picture of needles sticking out of my back while I was face down was impossible, so I only have a before picture from acupuncture.

Before acupuncture.

After acupuncture, I went downtown to have my passport photos done and go straight to the passport office to renew my passport immediately (I'm so glad we have a 10 year option now, 5 years is too short a time for a passport). I need it to be valid by March (it expires this early March), because we'll be travelling somewhere for a vacation once my husband can take some time away from work in early to mid March. And it will definitely be international, unless something changes in my medical situation. And now Canada doesn't allow dual citizens to exit and enter Canada with their other passports, so my Irish one just won't do alone. We have had wild variations in thoughts of where we should go that change every week, so who knows where we'll go. But we know it's our one last hurrah before our lives might change forever. I discovered from googling places to travel when pregnant that people call it a "babymoon" when you travel somewhere while pregnant. This term kind of makes me want to retch.

So, other than the horrible sleep, sore neck, shoulders, and back, and continuing anxiety and depression and panic attacks, how am I feeling halfway through the pregnancy? I'm still having trouble with my sinuses following my second cold of the year and have had to continue with saline every morning and night to try to flush them out (I've been sick continuously for the last month and a half and no doubt that has not helped my sleep, mood, or energy levels). I've been skirting on the edge of a sinus infection for a while, but then I seem to fight it off, but then it seems to return. It is so annoying not really being able to take anything and not really wanting to go on antibiotics I have just left it. Moving down to my digestive tract, I only get occasional stomach upset (but I'm on Omeprazole, so this suppresses acid production), I definitely get gas pains, and I'm still having some constipation and this alternates sometimes with diarrhea (and guess what, any hemorrhoids or fissures that may occur in pregnancy can't really be treated with anything other than epsom salt baths and some Witch Hazel wipes). I started some probiotics that I used to be on before I was pregnant that are not only supposed to improve digestive tract function, but also help mental symptoms (my naturopath approved these for use during pregnancy). We'll see if these help. I've been using a combination of prune juice, daily Metamucil, and drinking lots of fluids (and I've found that my thirst is increasing). The other part that would help would be daily exercise, but other than short jaunts and housework, I haven't been really exercising much. I feel completely exhausted, plus I feel highly anxious about being out alone most days, so this combination is not really conducive for going out for walks or exercising. I've found that my hips seem to be feeling more sore and no doubt this is the change in the pelvis due to the increasing size of the uterus (on my left side this soreness is going down all the way to my left knee). Connected to that is pain in the round ligaments in the abdomen (they support the uterus normally and as it grows outwards they get stretched and sore in many women). I've noticed that the spider veins in my legs are getting more pronounced which often happens in pregnancy.  I have had a few days this week where I thought I felt something weird in  my abdomen, but then couldn't tell if it was just a twitch in my stomach or if it was the thing moving. Being pregnant is really, really weird.

I just can't picture making the transition from being alone with the cat all the time to having a baby with me all the time (and the cat is really going to be surprised by this transition). I think I've psyched myself out from all the years and years and years of trying to get pregnant, the miscarriage, having to go through IVF, and then having difficulties with pregnancy that I hadn't really contemplated years ago when I started trying, plus the complete lack of support from most people in my life. I keep thinking of all the things in my life that I've accomplished and thinking well,  if I can do that, surely I can do this. Or looking at other people who have children, well if they can do it, I should be able to. But comparing is the route the suffering according to a lot of psychiatrists. I just don't know what will happen and I guess that's what bothers me most. I can deal with almost anything other than uncertainty.

21 weeks pregnant.

20 Weeks Pregnant: Another Blood Test, Developmental Ultrasound, Visit to the Endocrinologist, Massage Therapy While Pregnant, Finishing Another Course of Loxapine, Chiropractor, Visit to Maternity Doctor to Review Ultrasound, and Thoughts on Reaching the Halfway Point

Current mood . . .

The weekend proved to be somewhat unenjoyable and stressful with two visits from one of the landladies (trying to figure out how to plug up the hole where the rat supposedly got through in our laundry room and then putting something over it) and finding out that my new laptop from Dell was a lemon and that while Dell could fix it remotely with software, they would not do it unless we paid for them to fix it even though the laptop was brand new. That's right, extortion and racketeering. After a further call and threats of litigation, my husband managed to get a packing label to send the laptop back. So now we have to send off the laptop, wait for a refund, then buy yet another laptop. It really pisses me off, especially since my current laptop has been on its last legs for a while and I was counting on this one. A laptop is the tool of my trade. The next laptop I buy certainly will not be a Dell computer. That's for sure.

Caturday fun taking selfies with the cat. He was not impressed.

Our walk on Sunday started at sunset.

Our walk Sunday evening revealed a sliver of moon and Venus.

Beautiful Gerbera daisies that my husband brought home for me.

Monday morning, I was in the lab first thing in the morning for my scheduled blood test for my thyroid levels. I had to get my levels done again as I had an appointment with my endocrinologist on Wednesday and he would need my levels to determine if my thyroid levels were optimal (if they are not optimal it can affect the fetus' IQ). If my levels were not optimal then he would have to raise my medication(s) again. The test results online showed that the my thyroid levels were not optimal with my T4 and T3 levels being off even though he raised my levothyroxine dosage last time he saw me a month ago.

Too early on Monday to be at the lab for yet another blood test.

Tuesday, my husband and I went to the Royal Jubilee Hospital for our schedule Developmental Ultrasound for the fetus (this is usually done between 18-20 weeks pregnancy, I was 19 weeks 4 days). The process was annoying with having to take a number, wait for it to be called, check in, then go to a second waiting room, then wait around there for the technician to fetch us (he was slightly late, but it's a hospital, so not a huge surprise), all while having a full bladder (required for imaging of the cervix and placenta).

Car selfie.

Before the ultrasound in awesome hospital lighting.

Hospital selfie.

My husband and I had both had this technician image us in the past when we had had imaging done to try to diagnose our fertility problems, so it was funny to have him now doing the fetal developmental ultrasound. I had been told by people and the pregnancy books I've been reading that this is the best ultrasound that one has during pregnancy. People say that it's longer, you get to see more details, and they go to various parts of the fetus and linger over it, so you can see the various parts in great detail. There was only one screen in the ultrasound room that we were in. The technician told us that he would have to view it head on and I wouldn't be able to see it until the end, as he had to do measurements. I had never had this experience before. In the private fertility clinic I was always shown the screen while the ultrasound was happening and they were very amenable to me taking photos for my blog too (photos are not allowed at the hospital at all in your ultrasound), no doubt because we were paying a fortune to be there. In my two other non-private ultrasounds I have had another screen to look at, so I've been able to see what's happening while the technician does measurements and images various areas. In the absence of this, I lay there nervously for what felt like forever while my husband stared at the screen that I couldn't see and didn't bother to reassure me that the fetus wasn't dead until after a few minutes (yes, I still feel worried about this every time I have an ultrasound- that miscarriage is still fresh in my mind).

Then when I couldn't hold it anymore, I asked to go to the washroom as the technician had told me that once he had the cervix and placenta imaged, I could go to the washroom, as the quality of the fetal imaging would not be impacted by an empty bladder. I went to the washroom and returned for another long stretch of staring at the hospital ceiling. Then he turned the screen towards me and proceeded with the most blurry and fast ultrasound session I had ever witnessed. I had maybe two minutes and then he was done. He said the heart rate was 152 bpm and that the fetus measures at maybe two days older than it's supposed to be (given that my husband is around 6 foot and I'm 5 foot 10, I'm not surprised). I was pretty disappointed and even more so when he handed us a few hastily printed photos of the fetus. They were badly printed and the least number of photos I've ever had from an ultrasound, other than the heart ECG ultrasound where one doesn't even usually get photos, but the technician there kindly printed them for me for my blog. The three photos we were given from the ultrasound are below. The fetus was facing down, so the full body shot is spine up. The other two are supposedly nose and lips and hands and arms.

The fetus is lying face down and spine up in this body shot.

Apparently the lips and nose.

Blurry renderings of each of the arms and hands.

Wednesday, I was subjected to the regular torture of being weighed and questioned by my endocrinologist who monitors my hypothyroidism (suspected Hashimoto's Disease). He commented that I had gained "a lot" of weight. Gee thanks. Then he said that my thyroid levels were not right (too low) and that he'd have to raise my dose of levothyroxine yet again (it's common in pregnancy to have medication dosages go up by a lot due to increased blood volume, weight, and metabolism). He said that my medication needs had increased due to my increased weight and the pregnancy (yeah, don't try to link those two items, whatever you do, and the falling thyroid levels couldn't have caused any weight gain!).

I'm perfect. Don't criticize me!

Thursday, I decided to go for massage therapy, as I was feeling very stiff and sore in the neck, back, and hips. Massage therapy when you're pregnant is more complicated. I still am not sticking out much in the stomach, so she was okay with having me on my stomach to begin with for a bit, but not as long as usual and I had to have pillows under my shoulders to help take pressure off my breasts and make it more bearable to lie on my stomach. When I was turned over it was onto my side instead of my back (the vena cava can compress when lying on the back, so this position is best avoided or done for short periods of time, so in pregnancy massage is usually done on the side and since left side is optimal for cardiac and digestive reasons, it's done on the left side). On my left side, I was given a pillow for my head, a pillow to hug to support my shoulders, and a pillow between my bent knees. Then to end, I was on my back for a short while, but she put pillows under my right hip to take pressure off the vena cava, so that it would not compress and I was told to tell her if I had any dizziness or strange feelings (an indication that the vena cava is being compressed). I was really stiff and sore, but felt better after the massage for sure. I was really impressed with how knowledgeable Ashleigh at Moss Street Health is with pregnancy massage. It was very reassuring.

And after my massage, I brushed the cat and fed him treats. We were both happy then.

I've been taking Loxapine to treat my mixed state from my bipolar disorder since last Thursday. How long the course of PRN medication is really depends on how bad the episode is, the season, and other factors that I don't really understand (and no one really understands, it is a very mysterious and not well understood disorder even to this day). What I have to look out for is when I start to become very oversedated the morning after my dose. In the beginning, no matter how high the dose, I will feel wakeful, energetic, and peppy the morning after taking Loxapine despite the fact that this drug is an antipsychotic with various off label uses including treating bipolar disorder without psychosis, a sleeping pill, etc.. However, there is that magic point at which I can't get out of bed the next day without great difficulty and I feel dozy all day. That's when I know to decrease my dose. Then I stay on that next lower dose until I'm oversedated the next day from that dose and so on until I'm off of it. Of course, the being off of it is not pleasant either, because then I have to suffer from withdrawal. This varies based on how high my dose was and how long I was on it for. For me, it always means sleep problems for at least a day or two or longer if my course has been several weeks, a month, or more (for more severe episodes). I had my first night off of Loxapine last night and I did not sleep well or much, but there's the promise that I'll feel better now that I've treated my mixed episode and have come off of this drug which quite frankly has some awful side effects (including increased stiffness in the joints and ligaments, constipation, a dozy feeling all the time, weight gain, increased hunger, etc.).

This morning, I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment. I've been getting the spasms in the my neck and shoulders still and felt stiff in my low back and hips too. But mostly, it was my neck that was bothering me this morning. It actually woke me up and kept me awake part of last night. It felt so tense that it was giving me an awful headache. My chiropractor put the electrotherapy on me with heat and then did adjustments to my neck and back. I'll be back in two weeks unless my neck is continuing to really bother me, then it will be earlier.

This afternoon, we had an appointment scheduled to see my maternity doctor, Dr. Down, about the ultrasound results. I had booked this due to wanting my husband to be able to be there (before he starts travelling across the country again) and because we were anxious to find out if everything was okay from the ultrasound (and we might find out the gender of the fetus too, but that's not of big concern to us, we just want to know that everything is okay). It certainly wasn't apparent to us from the ultrasound if the fetus was okay other than that its heart was apparently beating and apparently it was breathing, though I didn't get to see this part.

At Dr. Down's office, I, as usual, had to give a urine sample and I was weighed by his lovely MOA. Dr. Down reviewed the ultrasound results with us. He said that everything was found to be developmentally normal with the fetus in the ultrasound. He said that the growth and weight were measured to be normal. I told him that I had had some cramping type feelings in my abdomen the last few days and he suspected that this was ligamentous in origin and that the weird feelings I was feeling could even be "quickening" or the first movements of the fetus starting to be felt by me (women apparently usually start feeling some movement between 16 to 20 weeks time). He palpated my abdomen and said that the uterus seemed to be in a normal place for 20 weeks (with the fundus or top of the uterus being around my umbilicus). He also took out a tape measure and measured from my pubic bone to my belly button and said that my measurement was right on track for 20 weeks. He took my blood pressure and said that it was low normal (no surprises there, my blood pressure has always been on the low side). I told him that I was still feeling really exhausted and hadn't felt that energy that the pregnancy books talked about people feeling in the second trimester. He said that this is normal for some women, but gave me a lab test for anemia to check if this could be the cause (conveniently I'm already booked in with the lab on this coming Monday to have my monthly lithium levels done, so I can have this done at the same time). He said that he has absolutely no concerns about my pregnancy and that he will see me again in four weeks. We were very relieved to hear that everything was found to be normal and that he was not concerned about anything. After the journey we had trying to get pregnant, having the reassurance that this is a normal pregnancy (at least so far) is wonderful.

Car Selfie.

Awesome doctor's office lighting.

Yesterday, I was at day 141 of my "cycle" ie. since my last cycle started (the first day of my last period which is how pregnancy is calculated) and the book said I had 141 days to go until my due date, so I was at exactly the halfway point. Today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant, starting into the last half of the pregnancy. I honestly can't believe it. In some ways, it gets easier to believe that we might have a baby, but in other ways I'm still to afraid to "gloat" ie. be excited or happy, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it and have another miscarriage (totally irrational, I know, but I'm still traumatized my that miscarriage in June of last year). Plus, on top of not wanting to buy stuff (I did get a new sports bra and workout leggings this week, so I can start walking and exercising again now that my mixed episode seems to have passed) because I'm afraid the fetus will die, I don't know where we're going to live, so there's no point in buying stuff if we're going to move. But what if we can't move? I just don't know what we're going to do and with only half my pregnancy left, time is running out to either make a move or figure out if we could ever make this cramped duplex work with a baby.

20 weeks pregnant.

Halfway to my due date.

Hanging out in The Hudson's Bay before dinner out with friends tonight.