My Natural Pregnancy After IVF: Hopes, Fears, Trials, and Heartbreak

I found myself back in a hospital gown again . . .

I had two cycles after giving birth to my IVF baby. Then for some reason I didn’t get my period when I thought that I would. I chalked this up to irregular cycle length postpartum. Since I had only ever been pregnant once naturally (and that had taken me six years and had ended in a miscarriage at six weeks) I had refused birth control postpartum. I definitely wanted to give my child a sibling and I thought that if by some miracle I was to get pregnant, that would save me having to pay big dollars for either a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) since we have several embryos frozen from our last round of IVF or if those all didn’t work out even bigger dollars for another round of IVF (or possibly more than one round as many people have to go through multiple rounds).

There are a variety of figures, ranging from 17% to 33.3%, of the number of IVF patients who become pregnant naturally with another child postpartum. I had even been warned at the hospital by a couple of nurses and a doctor that they had seen IVF patients achieve pregnancy even before their first postpartum physical. It seemed impossible to me though that I would ever be so lucky as to achieve another natural pregnancy and actually see a baby at the end of it. My first baby took seven years for me to hold in my arms and I still felt demoralized by the whole experience of unexplained infertility, miscarriage, and then having to go through the physically, emotionally, and mentally challenging process of IVF.

But I still didn’t get my period. My husband was away on a business trip and I was too afraid to take a pregnancy test without him. I hoped so much that I was pregnant and would have been crushed if I wasn’t, but was sure that I couldn’t be, so wanted his support in finding out that I wasn’t. At the same time, I started craving oranges like crazy (this is my pregnancy “tell” as last time I was pregnant I ate my way through a tonne of oranges). Things started to smell and taste different. I wasn’t enjoying some foods that I usually enjoyed.

My husband returned and I took the final pregnancy test in a box that we had bought when I was undergoing IVF. It turned positive almost immediately. Then it estimated the number of weeks. We were stunned. Our baby was only a few months old and we didn’t know how we would handle having two such young children, but we were filled with hope. Then fear. What if I wasn’t actually pregnant? What if I miscarried again?

I could not believe the positive result on the pregnancy test.

We took this photo the day we found out we were pregnant. We were so incredibly happy.

 I booked an appointment to see my doctor immediately after the weekend. My doctor sent me for a series of three hCG tests to confirm the pregnancy and check that it was progressing (unlike my first pregnancy that petered out at six weeks and ended in a miscarriage). The tests done two days apart over the week showed strong hCG with proper increases. My husband and I, who had been too afraid to tell family up to this point, told our families. We couldn’t believe it. They couldn’t either.

I met my family doctor again and he said that based on the results it looked like a viable pregnancy. I went home and within the hour began to bleed profusely. I was sure I had had a miscarriage again. I was sent to emergency. I was given a blood test and sent home with no answers. I returned to a different emergency department at a different hospital for an ultrasound the next morning. Then I waited for the results in that emergency department for seven hours while a heartless bitch of a nurse told me that I was the lowest priority and they “might” get to seeing me that day, but since I wasn’t an emergency I might not be seen. I sat in the uncomfortable hospital chairs alone as my husband took care of our baby.

The doctor in the emergency department who finally saw me said that the fetus was alive and he had no way of knowing if the pregnancy would continue or not but for now it looked fine. He said I had to see a high risk obstetrician. I was referred back to my family doctor to get a referral.
My family doctor told me I would definitely have to be under the care of a high risk obstetrician because I had two subchorionic hemorrhages in my uterus (and that is where the bleeding came from). He referred me to a high risk obstetrician.

Then I had another bleed four days later.

Then another bleed two days later with more cramping.

I was sent to emergency again, at another hospital (my third). I waited all day to see a doctor, get an ultrasound, and then see a doctor again (about ten hours while my mother watched the baby since my husband was away travelling again). The subchorionic hemorrhages had increased in size but the fetus was alive and my hCG levels were good. The ER doctor tried to refer me to a high risk obstetrician but they told her that they wouldn’t take me and I’d just have to find a regular maternity doctor for now.

I had difficulty finding a maternity doctor taking patients (and one who I saw told me that this interview could all just be “a waste of time” since I had been having bleeding.) My old maternity doctor who was stopping obstetrics took pity on me and took me in.

I had been referred for a follow up ultrasound (the emergency department lost the referral, but then found it and sent it to the ultrasound booking department about a week later, after it was supposed to be done). I had the follow ultrasound about two weeks after my last emergency room ultrasound and the fetus was kicking its little leg buds around with a strong heartbeat. I couldn’t believe it. I cried with joy.

The fetus was kicking its little leg buds (on the right) during the ultrasound.

I had the normal blood tests done and the first ones to test for major chromosomal abnormalities. I had a couple of different visits with my maternity doctor.

I continued to wear pads fearing bleeding through my pants again as I had three different times in the pregnancy. I had three weeks of no bleeding.

Then it started again. But it wasn’t fresh blood this time, it was old blood. The forums I read talked about people’s subchorionic hemorrhages draining old blood sometimes. Days passed. I saw the doctor and he said it was too early to hear the heartbeat in the office with his doppler. He palpated my uterus. There really wasn’t anything he could do. He said it might be the body shedding old blood or it might be something worse. I would just have to wait and see.

The bleeding increased that night. I went to bed and the cramps that had been uncomfortable became really uncomfortable in the night. In the early morning fresh blood started. The cramps increased more and more.

I called my doctor. His assistant said she would try to get an ultrasound for me as soon possible or I could go wait in emergency again. I declined emergency care as I had already been told if a miscarriage started there is nothing that can be done.

My husband was away again on a business trip and I had to care for my baby alone at home that day while the bleeding increased more and more and now hunks of tissue started to come out. I was horrified and felt physically awful on top of the crushing mental and emotional blow that I was experiencing. Again.

My husband tried to get back earlier but had difficulty getting back much earlier than he was scheduled that night. I yelped as tissue coming out of my uterus hit the toilet water with loud splashes. I couldn’t believe I was going through this. And going through a miscarriage was so much worse at 11.5 weeks pregnant than 6 weeks pregnant. The amount of tissue and blood was so much more. It was harrowing.

The next day, my husband and I asked my sister to care for our baby and we went to the ultrasound at the hospital. I prepared myself for the inevitable. The technician was weird and not helpful like the past few I had had. He didn’t point the screen at all in my direction and there was no second screen, but I didn’t need one to tell me that the baby was dead and long gone. My husband peered at the screen and said he didn’t see anything. They sent in a radiologist who looked at the images and informed me what I already knew, that I had miscarried and that there was no fetus left, only some tissue. My grief was so intense I was almost numb.

My doctor called later that day to discuss the miscarriage. He said if I stated bleeding really, really heavily or seemed to have an infection, go to emergency. And if I bled for more than about two to three weeks then go to emergency. And that was it. I could go in and see him and discuss it more, but what was the point.

I spent the next couple of days cancelling my next ultrasound, cancelling my lab tests, and cancelling my next appointment with my endocrinologist who was only seeing me more frequently because I was pregnant. And I bled and bled and bled.

I sank into the grief like an icy bathtub, my numbness preventing me from even crying most of the time. Then the rage. How could this have happened again? Why had I had to suffer again? Why had this had to distract me from my recovery from my last pregnancy and getting to know my baby? Why had I had to suffer for almost three months with this difficult pregnancy (which had a lot of nauseous, dizziness, and exhaustion) and bleeding off and on for nothing? Why do people who don’t want children get them and without any effort? How could I ever trust my body again? Would I ever be able to give my baby a sibling? How could I ever go through another pregnancy knowing that 66.6% of mine have ended in miscarriage now?

Christmas, a time of the year that I already find very challenging emotionally was further mired by the bleeding, hormones, and despair that I felt from the miscarriage. My only child's first Christmas should have been a time of great joy, but I had trouble focusing on the holiday rather than the heartbreak.

Three and half weeks later I have progressed through to a profound sadness, but those questions still remain unanswered. As my bleeding is just ending now, I still don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to try to give my baby a sibling again via FET or IVF. I am haunted by the memory of the fetus kicking on the ultrasound (I never got to see the first pregnancy’s fetus because it died at six weeks so this has intensified my grief if that’s possible), knowing that I will never get to hold this baby in my arms. I hold my living baby all the tighter.

I hold my baby all the tighter.

20 Weeks Pregnant: Another Blood Test, Developmental Ultrasound, Visit to the Endocrinologist, Massage Therapy While Pregnant, Finishing Another Course of Loxapine, Chiropractor, Visit to Maternity Doctor to Review Ultrasound, and Thoughts on Reaching the Halfway Point

Current mood . . .

The weekend proved to be somewhat unenjoyable and stressful with two visits from one of the landladies (trying to figure out how to plug up the hole where the rat supposedly got through in our laundry room and then putting something over it) and finding out that my new laptop from Dell was a lemon and that while Dell could fix it remotely with software, they would not do it unless we paid for them to fix it even though the laptop was brand new. That's right, extortion and racketeering. After a further call and threats of litigation, my husband managed to get a packing label to send the laptop back. So now we have to send off the laptop, wait for a refund, then buy yet another laptop. It really pisses me off, especially since my current laptop has been on its last legs for a while and I was counting on this one. A laptop is the tool of my trade. The next laptop I buy certainly will not be a Dell computer. That's for sure.

Caturday fun taking selfies with the cat. He was not impressed.

Our walk on Sunday started at sunset.

Our walk Sunday evening revealed a sliver of moon and Venus.

Beautiful Gerbera daisies that my husband brought home for me.

Monday morning, I was in the lab first thing in the morning for my scheduled blood test for my thyroid levels. I had to get my levels done again as I had an appointment with my endocrinologist on Wednesday and he would need my levels to determine if my thyroid levels were optimal (if they are not optimal it can affect the fetus' IQ). If my levels were not optimal then he would have to raise my medication(s) again. The test results online showed that the my thyroid levels were not optimal with my T4 and T3 levels being off even though he raised my levothyroxine dosage last time he saw me a month ago.

Too early on Monday to be at the lab for yet another blood test.

Tuesday, my husband and I went to the Royal Jubilee Hospital for our schedule Developmental Ultrasound for the fetus (this is usually done between 18-20 weeks pregnancy, I was 19 weeks 4 days). The process was annoying with having to take a number, wait for it to be called, check in, then go to a second waiting room, then wait around there for the technician to fetch us (he was slightly late, but it's a hospital, so not a huge surprise), all while having a full bladder (required for imaging of the cervix and placenta).

Car selfie.

Before the ultrasound in awesome hospital lighting.

Hospital selfie.

My husband and I had both had this technician image us in the past when we had had imaging done to try to diagnose our fertility problems, so it was funny to have him now doing the fetal developmental ultrasound. I had been told by people and the pregnancy books I've been reading that this is the best ultrasound that one has during pregnancy. People say that it's longer, you get to see more details, and they go to various parts of the fetus and linger over it, so you can see the various parts in great detail. There was only one screen in the ultrasound room that we were in. The technician told us that he would have to view it head on and I wouldn't be able to see it until the end, as he had to do measurements. I had never had this experience before. In the private fertility clinic I was always shown the screen while the ultrasound was happening and they were very amenable to me taking photos for my blog too (photos are not allowed at the hospital at all in your ultrasound), no doubt because we were paying a fortune to be there. In my two other non-private ultrasounds I have had another screen to look at, so I've been able to see what's happening while the technician does measurements and images various areas. In the absence of this, I lay there nervously for what felt like forever while my husband stared at the screen that I couldn't see and didn't bother to reassure me that the fetus wasn't dead until after a few minutes (yes, I still feel worried about this every time I have an ultrasound- that miscarriage is still fresh in my mind).

Then when I couldn't hold it anymore, I asked to go to the washroom as the technician had told me that once he had the cervix and placenta imaged, I could go to the washroom, as the quality of the fetal imaging would not be impacted by an empty bladder. I went to the washroom and returned for another long stretch of staring at the hospital ceiling. Then he turned the screen towards me and proceeded with the most blurry and fast ultrasound session I had ever witnessed. I had maybe two minutes and then he was done. He said the heart rate was 152 bpm and that the fetus measures at maybe two days older than it's supposed to be (given that my husband is around 6 foot and I'm 5 foot 10, I'm not surprised). I was pretty disappointed and even more so when he handed us a few hastily printed photos of the fetus. They were badly printed and the least number of photos I've ever had from an ultrasound, other than the heart ECG ultrasound where one doesn't even usually get photos, but the technician there kindly printed them for me for my blog. The three photos we were given from the ultrasound are below. The fetus was facing down, so the full body shot is spine up. The other two are supposedly nose and lips and hands and arms.

The fetus is lying face down and spine up in this body shot.

Apparently the lips and nose.

Blurry renderings of each of the arms and hands.

Wednesday, I was subjected to the regular torture of being weighed and questioned by my endocrinologist who monitors my hypothyroidism (suspected Hashimoto's Disease). He commented that I had gained "a lot" of weight. Gee thanks. Then he said that my thyroid levels were not right (too low) and that he'd have to raise my dose of levothyroxine yet again (it's common in pregnancy to have medication dosages go up by a lot due to increased blood volume, weight, and metabolism). He said that my medication needs had increased due to my increased weight and the pregnancy (yeah, don't try to link those two items, whatever you do, and the falling thyroid levels couldn't have caused any weight gain!).

I'm perfect. Don't criticize me!

Thursday, I decided to go for massage therapy, as I was feeling very stiff and sore in the neck, back, and hips. Massage therapy when you're pregnant is more complicated. I still am not sticking out much in the stomach, so she was okay with having me on my stomach to begin with for a bit, but not as long as usual and I had to have pillows under my shoulders to help take pressure off my breasts and make it more bearable to lie on my stomach. When I was turned over it was onto my side instead of my back (the vena cava can compress when lying on the back, so this position is best avoided or done for short periods of time, so in pregnancy massage is usually done on the side and since left side is optimal for cardiac and digestive reasons, it's done on the left side). On my left side, I was given a pillow for my head, a pillow to hug to support my shoulders, and a pillow between my bent knees. Then to end, I was on my back for a short while, but she put pillows under my right hip to take pressure off the vena cava, so that it would not compress and I was told to tell her if I had any dizziness or strange feelings (an indication that the vena cava is being compressed). I was really stiff and sore, but felt better after the massage for sure. I was really impressed with how knowledgeable Ashleigh at Moss Street Health is with pregnancy massage. It was very reassuring.

And after my massage, I brushed the cat and fed him treats. We were both happy then.

I've been taking Loxapine to treat my mixed state from my bipolar disorder since last Thursday. How long the course of PRN medication is really depends on how bad the episode is, the season, and other factors that I don't really understand (and no one really understands, it is a very mysterious and not well understood disorder even to this day). What I have to look out for is when I start to become very oversedated the morning after my dose. In the beginning, no matter how high the dose, I will feel wakeful, energetic, and peppy the morning after taking Loxapine despite the fact that this drug is an antipsychotic with various off label uses including treating bipolar disorder without psychosis, a sleeping pill, etc.. However, there is that magic point at which I can't get out of bed the next day without great difficulty and I feel dozy all day. That's when I know to decrease my dose. Then I stay on that next lower dose until I'm oversedated the next day from that dose and so on until I'm off of it. Of course, the being off of it is not pleasant either, because then I have to suffer from withdrawal. This varies based on how high my dose was and how long I was on it for. For me, it always means sleep problems for at least a day or two or longer if my course has been several weeks, a month, or more (for more severe episodes). I had my first night off of Loxapine last night and I did not sleep well or much, but there's the promise that I'll feel better now that I've treated my mixed episode and have come off of this drug which quite frankly has some awful side effects (including increased stiffness in the joints and ligaments, constipation, a dozy feeling all the time, weight gain, increased hunger, etc.).

This morning, I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment. I've been getting the spasms in the my neck and shoulders still and felt stiff in my low back and hips too. But mostly, it was my neck that was bothering me this morning. It actually woke me up and kept me awake part of last night. It felt so tense that it was giving me an awful headache. My chiropractor put the electrotherapy on me with heat and then did adjustments to my neck and back. I'll be back in two weeks unless my neck is continuing to really bother me, then it will be earlier.

This afternoon, we had an appointment scheduled to see my maternity doctor, Dr. Down, about the ultrasound results. I had booked this due to wanting my husband to be able to be there (before he starts travelling across the country again) and because we were anxious to find out if everything was okay from the ultrasound (and we might find out the gender of the fetus too, but that's not of big concern to us, we just want to know that everything is okay). It certainly wasn't apparent to us from the ultrasound if the fetus was okay other than that its heart was apparently beating and apparently it was breathing, though I didn't get to see this part.

At Dr. Down's office, I, as usual, had to give a urine sample and I was weighed by his lovely MOA. Dr. Down reviewed the ultrasound results with us. He said that everything was found to be developmentally normal with the fetus in the ultrasound. He said that the growth and weight were measured to be normal. I told him that I had had some cramping type feelings in my abdomen the last few days and he suspected that this was ligamentous in origin and that the weird feelings I was feeling could even be "quickening" or the first movements of the fetus starting to be felt by me (women apparently usually start feeling some movement between 16 to 20 weeks time). He palpated my abdomen and said that the uterus seemed to be in a normal place for 20 weeks (with the fundus or top of the uterus being around my umbilicus). He also took out a tape measure and measured from my pubic bone to my belly button and said that my measurement was right on track for 20 weeks. He took my blood pressure and said that it was low normal (no surprises there, my blood pressure has always been on the low side). I told him that I was still feeling really exhausted and hadn't felt that energy that the pregnancy books talked about people feeling in the second trimester. He said that this is normal for some women, but gave me a lab test for anemia to check if this could be the cause (conveniently I'm already booked in with the lab on this coming Monday to have my monthly lithium levels done, so I can have this done at the same time). He said that he has absolutely no concerns about my pregnancy and that he will see me again in four weeks. We were very relieved to hear that everything was found to be normal and that he was not concerned about anything. After the journey we had trying to get pregnant, having the reassurance that this is a normal pregnancy (at least so far) is wonderful.

Car Selfie.

Awesome doctor's office lighting.

Yesterday, I was at day 141 of my "cycle" ie. since my last cycle started (the first day of my last period which is how pregnancy is calculated) and the book said I had 141 days to go until my due date, so I was at exactly the halfway point. Today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant, starting into the last half of the pregnancy. I honestly can't believe it. In some ways, it gets easier to believe that we might have a baby, but in other ways I'm still to afraid to "gloat" ie. be excited or happy, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it and have another miscarriage (totally irrational, I know, but I'm still traumatized my that miscarriage in June of last year). Plus, on top of not wanting to buy stuff (I did get a new sports bra and workout leggings this week, so I can start walking and exercising again now that my mixed episode seems to have passed) because I'm afraid the fetus will die, I don't know where we're going to live, so there's no point in buying stuff if we're going to move. But what if we can't move? I just don't know what we're going to do and with only half my pregnancy left, time is running out to either make a move or figure out if we could ever make this cramped duplex work with a baby.

20 weeks pregnant.

Halfway to my due date.

Hanging out in The Hudson's Bay before dinner out with friends tonight.

14 Weeks Pregnant: Nuchal Translucency (NT) Ultrasound, Rejection, and the Early Part of my Second Trimester

Current mood . . .

After my husband left first thing Sunday morning, my weekend turned from relaxing and happy, to glum, lonely, and grim. 

The cat didn't appreciate my smothering affection.

A bright amaryllis to counteract the winter gloom.

On Monday, with my bladder full to bursting, I waited in the ultrasound clinic for my Nuchal Translucency (NT) Ultrasound. The appointment form said to be there 25 minutes early and they were late starting, so I was in agony (a full bladder is required, as this is an external ultrasound, and a full bladder is required to put the uterus in the correct position for imaging the fetus) as the minutes ticked away.

While I was waiting, I was reviewing my emails when I discovered a couple of post updates from the VFC (Victoria Fertility Centre) thread on IVF.ca. In one post, the person said that they had been reading, but not contributing lately to the board, as they were waiting a while before trying fertility treatments again. Then they singled me out (by username) as a hurtful poster! What?! Apparently, the mere fact that I have blog and have shared the link on the board (because I thought it might be helpful or interesting to some people on an IVF board since I had had IVF and read other people's blogs when I was contemplating, in the lead up, and during my IVF treatments for information and support) and the fact that I have posted about my pregnancy from IVF is hurtful.

Now, I'm not the only one posting about pregnancy, spotting, and being afraid of suffering another miscarriage on this board. In fact, I've let my posts be guided by what I've seen from other users on there in the past (I was a reader of this board long before I started contributing on there). There are several posters who post regularly about their pregnancies and even posters who share photos of their babies who were conceived using IVF. Yet I was the ONLY poster who was targeted in this post. Then two people liked the troll's post. Then someone else posted a post agreeing with the troll's post.

What?! I couldn't believe it. Why was I the only one being called out and targeted? And why was I even being targeted to begin with? I never attached photos to my posts, I never told anyone that they had to visit my blog, and my posts were far from gloating that I was pregnant and that other people on the board were not. In fact, I discussed being fearful of joining any other boards like the due date ones, because I was afraid of jinxing this pregnancy (totally irrational I know), and suffering from a second miscarriage in the same year.

So much for finding a safe and supportive place to discuss the ups and downs of fertility treatments with like-minded individuals obtaining similar treatments at the same clinic in Canada. The board did not have any parameters like you were not allowed to post once you were pregnant or anything. I read posts before I started IVF where people had become pregnant from IVF and I felt encouraged. I thought, if it can work for them, then it could work for me too (and one needs encouragement when faced with the dire numbers given before one starts IVF, in my age range the chance of a live birth from IVF is 28%). I didn't think that these posters should shut the fuck up and quit gloating and go and hide in a cave somewhere, because they've been successful and I have not been yet. I thought the board was supposed to encourage people that they can have success with IVF (not everyone will, but some people will). This type of behaviour reminds me of all of the articles I read on mentoring and the progress of women trying to shatter the glass ceiling back when I was practising law. Many of these articles concluded that many women had excellent mentors in men, but couldn't find women to mentor them, and that if women didn't stop tearing each other down and hating each other for success, women would never be able to progress to the highest echelons of their chosen professions. It's a shame that some women feel the need to tear other women down.

Anyways, I went onto the board and wrote one final post "well, no one will ever see me or my blog on this board ever again. All the best to all of you and I hope that you support each other no matter what." This post then prompted several other posts from others saying that I wasn't asked to stop posting and also that there was a pregnancy group that I could join.

Well, to hell with it. I started this blog because I wanted to share my experience with obtaining IVF treatments and any possible outcome from them. There's nothing I hate more than being censored. I refuse to censor myself for anyone. This blog is my truth and if people have a problem with it, then they can just choose not to read it. Besides, I've had nothing but supportive and encouraging responses to my blog via comments posted on my blog, via email, on Twitter, and on Instagram. I have no idea what the hell is the matter with some of these board trolls. If you don't want to read about every possible outcome from IVF, then don't read an IVF board. It's simple.

I'll let Lamont give his excellent look of contempt. That's how I feel about this whole incident.

So, to anyone contemplating using online forums and boards for "support" during the very, very stressful time of receiving fertility treatments and if one is lucky, being pregnant as a result of them, I hope that you have a better experience than I did. I certainly don't need to be singled out unfairly and kicked when I'm already down by someone trolling behind a cloak of anonymity. Anyone who has gone to my blog knows exactly who I am. This is who I am. I don't need to hide behind some user name and abuse others online to feel better about myself.

My cat is a good role model. He doesn't let anything get him down for too long.

So, back to the ultrasound clinic. Feeling very upset and rejected (not that this isn't something that has happened to me my whole life and continues to happen even through what is supposed to be a "happy" time, pregnancy), I proceeded towards the ultrasound room with just the technician (my husband was across the country working again and couldn't make the ultrasound). She advised me to let some urine out right away, as it seemed that my bladder would be too full (I could barely walk). It was unpleasant having to gauge how much urine to let out and then just stop peeing.

The external ultrasound, though was more pleasant than an internal ultrasound in some ways. Just some warm goo on my abdomen and a wand being pressed against various areas of my abdomen until she found the uterus, getting to keep my clothes on (and just pull my leggings down a little), and not being violated by an ultrasound wand for the umpteenth time. The technician looked at the areas surrounding the uterus first to check how they looked before proceeding to find the fetus. She spent about ten minutes zooming into various areas of the fetus.

I held my breath. Was it dead? No, it was moving quite vigorously. It had a heartbeat (130 beats per minute at the time she measured it, but their heart rates fluctuate all the time just like ours). I don't know why I was surprised. I can't seem to grasp that this thing might actually make it. I just can't stop reliving that horrific miscarriage that I suffered six months ago. I know I need to get some counselling to help me process this fresh grief in my life, but I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed right now.

I asked her "so it's alive?" She said "well it certainly appears so." This was a relief to hear.

I tried to relax, but my bladder was uncomfortably full (still) and increasing in volume by the minute (they tell you to drink a litre of water an hour before the appointment and not go to the washroom after, which for me and my efficient kidneys is torture).

As she scanned over the fetus, she showed me the head, the torso with its clearly visible spinal bones and heart that I could actually see beating, the arms and hands, and the little legs and feet (crossed at one point). I couldn't believe the thing (as my husband and I have been calling it) had all those little parts in such detail already, even though it was only supposed to be the size of a peach. The technician measured it head to rump at one point and it was 11.6 cm, which is just over 4 inches. It's so much bigger than the last ultrasound I had. She took some other measurements too since the fetus was constantly moving around (it also measured 9.2 cm and 14.2 at other points, so who knows how big it actually is). The thing was 13.5 weeks when I had the ultrasound. 7.4 cm or 2.9 inches is the average crown to rump length at 13 weeks. 8.7 cm or 3.4 inches is the average crown to rump length at 14 weeks.

But the purpose of this ultrasound was actually to image the area at the nape of the neck and check how much fluid was pooling there (too much can indicate Down Syndrome). The fetus would not cooperate and the technician thought that maybe it couldn't get into a good position because my bladder was still too full. She told me to go and urinate again, but only partway again, because they still needed a partially full bladder to do the external ultrasound (the bladder holds the uterus in a good position for imaging when its full).

I went to the bathroom down the hall again. My bladder felt like it was going to burst. I let out about half of my urine as instructed. I was left feeling unsatisfied and still uncomfortable. I returned to the ultrasound room. The technician spent another ten minutes poking around with the wand until she finally had the shots of the neck area that she wanted. She said that my doctor would have the ultrasound report in a couple of days, but the actually diagnostic conclusion would not be reached until they had compiled the first blood test (done), this ultrasound (done), and my second blood test (I'll be doing that January 3rd). A little while after that, a report would be sent to Dr. Down about the risk factor of the fetus having some genetic abnormalities like Down Syndrome.

The technician handed me four photos that had she printed from the ultrasound (you're not allowed to use a cell phone at all in the examination room, so I couldn't take pictures or videos). I waddled out of the ultrasound room and back to the bathroom again where I could finally empty my bladder. What a relief.

Profile of the fetus hanging out in the uterus with a measurement crown to rump of 9.4 cm.

This picture has the measurement of the fetus as 11.6 cm.

The thing is waving for all to see.

A foot floating around in amniotic fluid.

My husband was very upset that he couldn't be at this ultrasound either. He teared up on Google Hangouts when I was describing the ultrasound and seeing the thing's heart beating and its various little body parts. I wished that I had more photos to share with him and that I could have taken a video of the heart beating (that was such a reassuring sight to me). The separation has been very difficult on us, because we're very close and used to spending a lot of time together, but particularly so, as we've been going through this stressful time of an early pregnancy, after IVF, and with a recent miscarriage to keep us terrified.

I've spent the rest of the week  running errands and cleaning the house to prepare for going to stay with my in-laws for Christmas (my husband will meet me up there on route from Halifax) and then we'll be going together to Vancouver for a couple of days before returning home. I feel absolutely exhausted from trying to get everything done before leaving. My sister has kindly agreed to take care of our place and the cat. But I'll definitely miss my little grouch.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out and turn out that light, lady. Some of us need 18 hours of sleep a day!

I didn't go to acupuncture this week. I'm going to leave it till early January (a month after last appointment, since I'm in second trimester). I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment this week. Normally I'd only go once a month, but I've been having trouble getting my neck and back to settle down after being away from the chiropractor for so many months and with all of the stress and changes from pregnancy. My neck and back are less sore than they were, but still quite stiff and sore.

Still haven't bought anything maternity related. I'll do it next week . .  . or maybe one day . . .

My biggest physical symptoms now are skin itchiness, some eczema (getting better now that I'm using hydrocortisone), some constipation and nausea (though less than before), frequent urination, some sleep problems, and exhaustion (this interferes with my day to day life the most, besides the anxiety and depression that I've been continuing to experience.) Physical symptoms though are strangely more pleasant and easier to deal with (for me at least) than mood ones, even if it's pain or nausea. Mood symptoms like anxiety and depression are bedeviling because there is often not a lot that one can do to help them and they can be far more distressing.

I actually made it out for a 5 km walk on Wednesday. I haven't been having much luck with feeling well enough or energetic enough to go for walks (or do anything) lately. I hope that this will change soon.

Should have brought a snack on my walk. Oh well, I found some carrot cake. I used to love carrot cake, but sweet stuff hasn't been nearly as appealing as it used to be for me while I've been pregnant. Strange.

I'm very nervous about travelling while pregnant (the books keep saying that now that I'm in the second trimester I should "feel great" and be peeing less and be "back to your old self" regarding energy, but so far that has not happened for me). I keep having horrifying thoughts of something happening to me while I'm away, an illness, a miscarriage, an accident, but I guess I just have to go for it or I'll be trapped in the house forever.

I am 14 weeks pregnant today (apparently the fetus is supposed to be the size of a lemon this week, though I don't know how that's progress from the size of a peach, at least it isn't with the produce that we receive in British Columbia where a peach is almost always larger than a lemon, but whatever, other charts say the thing is the size of a nectarine and that it was the size of Meyer lemon last week, so who knows). I'm travelling to meet my husband to spend Christmas with him and his family. Hopefully, as my lithium levels continue to climb on my new higher dose, I'll start to feel less anxious and depressed, but at Christmas this would seem like a miracle to me.

If only I could fly instead of having to take airplanes . . .

13 Weeks Pregnant from IVF- Spotting, Physical with Maternity Doctor, and Trying to Deal

Current mood . . .

My weekend consisted of trying to cram as many waking hours with my husband as possible and sleeping. Early Sunday morning, he left again and I fell into my usual morose Sunday state. Besides ruminating on the past and anxiously contemplating the future, I also watched some documentaries about people with worse problems than me and cried profusely. I made some chicken soup and it did not lift my mood.

Chicken soup for the shattered soul.

Monday, was an even darker day, as I stayed at home all day, exhausted, depressed, anxious, and tearful. I had had plans of leaving the house for a walk, but I just couldn't do it. Then, Monday night, after watching a celebrity overdose on drugs in a documentary, I discovered that I was spotting. My heart stopped (the entire pregnancy I have been checking every time I go to the bathroom, expecting that I'll be bleeding and that another miscarriage will be just around the corner, but this is the first time I have found anything this pregnancy).

I was certain that this was the beginning of my second miscarriage in six months. I frantically texted my sister, who had had some spotting in her pregnancy (before she went on to have my healthy and happy niece) and started to comb through various forums on pregnancy and several of the pregnancy books that my sister had lent me. I determined that since I did not have cramps or a lot of blood or blood that looked fresh (mine looked old), I could wait until the morning and then call my maternity doctor for advice. I would not have to go into emergency at the hospital and wait six hours to be seen (or more time perhaps- deplorable). My sister tried to calm me with encouraging messages about how she had had spotting (and more than me) but had gone on to have a healthy baby, but I did not sleep well (not that I have been sleeping well since I started the IVF journey).

All I could think was how is this happening to me again. What is with 2016?! Make this year from hell end.

Tuesday morning, my mind was surprisingly peaceful. I thought, well, if I have another miscarriage, I'll just die and then my tortured mind will be released from this prison of a body and my problems will be over (I just didn't see how I'd ever survive a second miscarriage at all, let alone six months after the first). It was then that it started to dawn on me that perhaps my low lithium levels had done more than I thought they had. I was clearly unstable and in a mixed episode (bipolar people can shift between various states including stable, depressed or low, manic or high, and mixed which is like an agitated depression). My husband had said last week that he thought I was in a mixed state, which I vigorously (and with much profanity) denied. But it seems that he's right. I have been depressed, very anxious, not sleeping well (but who knows if this is the pregnancy), having mood swings, and very irritable. Normally, I would treat this with a p.r.n. medication like Loxapine (which works really well for me, but not for some other people). However, though it is apparently safe in pregnancy, I'd like to see if the lithium levels rising since my dose was increased take care of this episode without the need for further drugs (it has some hideous side effects). I'm only just exiting the first trimester and I'd like to minimize the number of drugs I take if possible. Obviously, if things worsen though, I'll have to start taking Loxapine, so that I don't destabilize further and risk self harm, hospitalization in that hell hole of a psychiatric emergency ward (the psychiatric ward in the hospital is fine, but you usually have to languish in the emergency psychiatric ward for 4 day to 2 weeks or more to get into the hospital proper), or even death (bipolar people have a very high rate of suicide compared to the general population).

The cat channels my irritability well.

I called Dr. Down's office first thing on Tuesday morning and reported to his superb MOA that I had had some spotting the previous night. I didn't even have to ask her if I could come in that day (even though I had my physical examination with Dr. Down scheduled for the very next day). She immediately asked me how soon I could be there and told me to come down. Dr Down was very kind. He took out his handheld Doppler and found the fetal heartbeat. It was still there. He also examined my cervix and said that it felt normal and as it should during pregnancy. He questioned me over whether I had had further bleeding that morning (I had not) and if I had any cramping (I did not). He said that he thought that everything should be fine. He said that during pregnancy, the cervix is very sensitive and has such a blood supply that even the slightest bump (from an internal ultrasound for instance or sexual intercourse) can cause some bleeding, so likely either my ultrasound the week before or sex had done that and that I should not be concerned (hard to do when you've had a miscarriage only 6 months earlier). His MOA told me that I could always call her if I had any questions or needed to come in and she would always get me in. I was so grateful to both of them for being so kind and accommodating.

I had lunch with my sister that day and then babysat her child while she went to an appointment. Tuesday was my first time leaving the house since Friday. I returned home feeling relieved from my visit to the doctor, but also very worried. My husband, stuck on the other side of the country found the whole incident terrifying, especially because there was absolutely nothing that he could do and I was again having to go through this whole pregnancy experience alone.

Lots of fruits and vegetables. That's what I've been craving.

Wednesday, I had my physical examination with Dr. Down. As usual, whenever I show up at Dr. Down's office, I have to give a urine sample to his MOA and I get weighed (I was still down 0.2 pounds from when I started hormones for IVF on September 1st). Dr. Down didn't have to do a PAP test since I was up to date, but he did a swab, examined my cervix again to check it was still okay (it was), did a breast examination, listened to my heart and lungs, checked my blood pressure, and felt my thyroid. He also used the handheld Doppler to listen to the fetal heartbeat again. It was still there (I don't know why, but this always surprises me- I guess I'm just not over that miscarriage). He had less tests to do on me, because I already went through so many in the lead up to IVF with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Centre. Dr. Down said that he had absolutely no concerns for my pregnancy at that point. I asked him for a refill of my stomach pill (Omeprazole for acid reflux), which he gave me. I also asked him what I could use for my eczema, which is not responding to my regime of rosewater and coconut oil. He said I could get over the counter hydrocortisone cream 0.5% or 1% and for anything below my neck, I could use Betaderm (prescription). I really appreciate how thorough and knowledgeable Dr. Down is and how he takes his time and make sure that you have all of your questions answered. His MOA is wonderful too. She booked me in to see Dr. Down again in a month from then in January and told me that in between if I have ANY concerns at all to call and she would get me in if necessary.

At Dr. Down's office.

Ready for my physical examination.

Wednesday afternoon, I had a teeth cleaning and routine examination at my dentist's office. This proved to be uncomfortable as my gums were a bit inflamed (common in pregnancy from the hormone changes). The lovely hygienist told me to use warm salt water to swish around my mouth to help the gums settle down. I did this at the very beginning of the pregnancy and it really did help, so I've taken this up again. In any event, there were no problems with my teeth and I was told to come back in six months. I booked my appointment a bit earlier than that, as six months from now is around when I'm due (if I make it that far, I still feel far from certain).

Thursday evening, I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment. I'm not quite as locked up in the neck and back as I was last week, but still very tense, sore, and uncomfortable. Lying face down for a while with heat on my back and the electric stimulation machine on proved uncomfortable due to my still quite tender breasts. After the adjustment, I booked for next Thursday, before I leave for a week (I still feel anxious about travelling right now, but it's booked, so I just have to try to brave it I guess).

This week, I haven't felt as nauseous as I did the week before. I have had some feelings of nausea, some constipation, and some headaches, but mainly physically I have been feeling exhaustion and having trouble sleeping (hard to separate how much of this is the pregnancy and how much is the mixed episode). As mentioned above, my mood symptoms, anxiety and depression, have been more distressing than the physical symptoms. Hopefully, those will subside with time.

One can learn a lot from a cat, relish the sun when it's out, rest, nap, repeat.

I kept on intending this week to go and look for maternity bras in an attempt to ease into buying something for this pregnancy and to perhaps ease some of my shoulder, neck, and back pain. But I just haven't been able to do it. I keep on having the irrational fear that buying something for this pregnancy will jinx it and then I'll lose the pregnancy and own something that I don't need. Totally irrational, I know. But last pregnancy I bought a couple of things at Value Village for the pregnancy and then I miscarried a few days later, so I can see where my brain is making the connection.

As a note to those going through fertility treatments, I have actually found the largest amount of support, understanding, and commiseration has come through my use of the IVF.ca board for the Victoria Fertility Centre (there are many different boards for different clinics and on different websites for fertility treatments and infertility though), keeping a blog (some other women do this anonymously), and through Twitter and Instagram where I have shared my journey through diagnosis, miscarriage, and IVF. I didn't think that so many people would respond to my story online who don't even know me, but it seems that there are a lot of people silently struggling with infertility or who know someone who is. Their words of encouragement and comfort have meant a lot to me, especially when I have failed to hear what I needed to hear from those who I do know (unless you've been through infertility, it's impossible to understand the struggle and the feelings and therefore it's very difficult to say the "right" thing and some people don't want to talk about it at all because it makes them uncomfortable). For those people going through this is very difficult and painful journey, I encourage you to go and look at some of the boards or blogs where people have shared their experiences with infertility and fertility treatments. You might find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone, even though it might feel like you are, because you don't know anyone who is going through it or who has gone through this (or at least not anyone who's talking about it). The boards allow you to have an anonymous nickname if you want to contribute or you can just read what others are saying (I was skeptical about what I'd get out a board and I lurked for a while just reading but I entered into the fray and found that I actually did derive comfort from talking to other people on the board going through the same thing as me). Humanity is out there, even if it might not feel like it is after some of the things that people may have said to you while you're on this lonely journey. I have chosen not to go through this journey anonymously, because I believe that unless people start talking about this pervasive issue more, improvements to the lot of those suffering from infertility will not happen and people will be left to suffer the lonely "shame" of being broken and infertile (and insurance companies will continue to get away with denying people's legitimate claims for fertility drugs under their insurance plans like they did to us, not that we've given up yet). The more that people speak out about this growing and very hidden health issue, the more that can be done to improve the lot of those with infertility and perhaps future generations will not have to suffer so much stigma, shame, and loneliness (and as my fertility doctors says, perhaps more provinces will cover or contribute to fertility treatments, so that more people can afford to actually have them done).

My husband was supposed to make it back late Thursday night, about 10:30 PM. Then a series of serious delays from bad weather at various airports across Canada made it seem that he wouldn't even make it back that night and would have to return Friday (then leave early Sunday morning again). Then further delays made him catch the flight back to Victoria to arrive home at 3:00 AM (so a monstrously late night and a very long day for him).

This living apart for most of the time is very, very difficult, but especially so when I'm feeling unwell mentally and physically and I'm going through something that is scary and foreign, pregnancy after a very foreign and expensive lead up having IVF). I didn't sign up to go through pregnancy alone and it's really hard to have to go through this largely alone (we didn't know that he'd be commuting across the country for months on end when we were going through IVF). But at least he hasn't abandoned me altogether as some unfortunate women experience this with their cowardly bastard ex-partners who leave them in the lurch. I just wish that he was around more (and so does he), so that I had someone to talk to and share the experience with in person rather than via Google Hangouts. Every night, I text him a picture of a page from a day by day pregnancy book that we have, so he can read a little about where the fetus is at in its development, but it's just not the same as having him beside me in bed and reading the book out to him and looking at the pictures together (as we do in our very limited weekend time together).

I'm 13 weeks pregnant today and since there are 40 weeks in a lot of pregnancies, I have time yet to go. Hopefully, later in the pregnancy, I'll have my husband around more and I'll feel more secure and less like I'm alone on the moon.

The orange family has a cat just like us.

12 Weeks Pregnant

Current mood . . .

As the first trimester comes to an end, I know my risk of miscarriage is going down to around 1 %. However, my perceived risk remains high. In other words, I remain terrified that I'll lose this pregnancy like I lost my last one. I think that once one has had a miscarriage, that fear is higher than it would be in other pregnancies. Add a foreign process like IVF to the mix and the fear of miscarriage will be even higher (especially when you have a specialist quoting terrifying statistics at you about your chance of miscarriage at your age- 20-25%- and your chance of having a live birth from IVF- 28%).

The cat's look clearly says "please rescue me from this Stage 5 clinger. I can't take it anymore."

I still haven't bought any maternity clothing, though I have virtually nothing that fits me. I feel like it will jinx things. I keep wondering why nothing will fit. Yes, I'm three months pregnant, but I haven't gained a single pound since I started the set of hormones for this round of IVF on September the 1st (in fact this week I was down 0.2 pounds below my starting weight). My body must be doing some interesting rearranging internally. Maybe a week from now I might invest in a maternity bra or two. For clothing, I'll wait for boxing day sales. I've heard that maternity clothes are expensive (not that it's news to me that being a woman is expensive).

Making things more difficult for me, my blood serum level of lithium dropped below a therapeutic level when I tested it this Monday at the lab. This has of course not improved my mood, which has been destabilizing for a while (as my blood volume increases with pregnancy, my requirement for lithium rises and therefore my current dose become insufficient to stabilize my bipolar disorder). And then there's my family. Neither of my parents have expressed any interest at all in my last ultrasound (8 days ago). Neither of them asked about it, asked if the fetus is still alive, or asked how I'm doing. It's as if they could care less. It's natural to want your parents to show an interest in yourself and any children that you may have, so it's bewildering and heartbreaking when they don't. After years of dealing with family turmoil, dealing with this while I'm hormonal and not properly medicated is almost more than I can bear. Other members of my family who promised to help me with something while my husband was away then went back on their word leaving me alone and unable to do certain things. It's been a very upsetting week.

At least I can always rely on Lamont, even if he looks like a grouch sometimes.

Then there's other people in my life who try to minimize and diminish my feelings of pain and dispute my perception of reality. For anyone reading this blog who doesn't think that this has been the worst year of my life, that's your opinion. This opinion is of course subjective. If I say it's been the worst year of my life then it is. Period.  But for those doubters, here's a summary of my year. I continued to struggle to become pregnant after seeing a fertility specialist in December of last year, my husband was away much of the late winter and early spring for work, only coming home on the weekends, our car stopped working and since it would have cost a fortune to repair it, we had to look for a newer car and purchase it right before we were going to have to pay for IVF, weeks after getting a newer car, I scraped it on the shitty carport at our rental duplex which is not wide enough for our new car (this was my first at fault accident ever in twenty years of having a driver's license), I turned 36 and six years after I had wanted to start having children I still wasn't pregnant and as the six month window that the fertility specialist recommended for trying to get pregnant without fertility treatments ran out, I grew increasingly depressed, I signed up to get IVF on the advice of the fertility specialist knowing that this process is a horrific combination of hormones, physical discomfort, emotional strain, and costs thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars, but I was so desperate to have a child that I charged forward with the process, going to the orientation session for IVF alone as my husband was out of town, I started my first hormone for IVF, my period didn't arrive when it should have and I found out that I was pregnant without IVF, a blood test confirmed this, I then found out that my second set of blood tests was abnormal, I then found out that the embryo was either dying or dead and I was starting to miscarry, I miscarried the only embryo I had ever managed to conceive (my father told me to "stop feeling sorry for yourself" the day I started miscarrying and was crying on the phone when he called), I was disturbed and greatly distressed and depressed by miscarrying the only baby I had ever become pregnant with and spent the summer wandering British Columbia and then Europe trying to move past this tragedy (not just mentally and emotionally, but also physically), I failed to become pregnant again, I had to watch a bunch of people that I know either have children, become pregnant, or live a joyful life with their new babies, I signed up for IVF again, I lost further friends as they failed to care about my miscarriage or support me through the very difficult and foreign process of IVF, I started hormones and went through three months of hormones including spending weeks injecting myself with hormones 2-4 times a day (with my paralyzing fear of needles) and undergoing uncomfortable and foreign medical procedures and a lot of stress all while not having much support from my family and very few of my remaining friends (and paying over $15,000 and having our insurance company deny us coverage for most of our $9,000 worth of prescription drugs that should have all been covered according to our policy), I endured horrifying side effects while undergoing IVF, but none more so than the fear and doubt that it would ever work (when a figure of 28% live birth is quoted to you, you really doubt that it will ever happen, especially if you're a recovering lawyer), I became pregnant and have continued to have nightmares and flashbacks to my miscarriage in the summer which have not allowed me to enjoy the pregnancy at all and have made me terrified of losing it, my husband has had to work on the other side of the country this autumn and will be into the spring, so I'm living with just a cat and have no one to help me or to talk to most of the time, and we haven't been able to find anywhere to move to in Victoria that has enough space to accommodate an addition to our family (and isn't completely unaffordable, rental vacancy is Victoria is not 0.5%, so lower than Vancouver's 0.7% rate now), so I feel totally trapped and hopeless. Just because I'm pregnant again and MIGHT have a baby, it does not take away what happened this year. I may move on, but I'll never forget this year (and that miscarriage is pretty much the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me (and those who know me well will know that I've had some trauma in my life before that, so that's saying something) and it was less than 6 months ago, so it's going to take time for me to recover from it). But go ahead and judge my year for yourself. I don't care what anyone else's opinion is, because it's mine that matters to me.

Now enough about this year from hell. First, how have I been feeling this week? Physically, I've been struggling with nausea and dizziness still. Friday, I spent the entire day in bed because I was so nauseous and dizzy. I waited until my husband came home to have a shower that day because I was so afraid of falling and hitting my head in the shower. Low blood pressure remains somewhat of a problem still, seeing stars at times and feeling lightheaded. I have had constipation again on and off and some stomach upset. The headaches are not as bad now as they were during IVF treatments and the beginning of the pregnancy. My neck and back are very stiff along with my hips as my body expands and shift around with the pregnancy. I'm sleeping slightly better than I was, but still having trouble falling asleep, mostly due to not liking be in the house alone without my husband at night and going to bed far, far too late. I feel exhausted most of the time and have only been taking some short walks. I feel guilty that I'm not exercising more, but I honestly just can't deal right now. My mild eczema is starting to plague me again and I don't want to use any corticosteroids unless I absolutely have to, so I've been trying rose water and coconut oil- they are not as effective as prescription drugs. Mostly though, it is my mood that has been utterly distressing. I have been so down most of this week. My thoughts have scared even dark old me. And my constant companion, anxiety, continues to accompany me everywhere, whispering to me about everything that could go wrong and how it will go wrong and how I should just stay at home and hide.

Spending the day in bed with the cat didn't seem to bother the cat. He's always down to hang out in bed.

Monday, I had three sets of blood tests, lithium level, thyroid levels, and the first set of blood tests required for IPS (to test for genetic abnormalities). My ultrasound for IPS is coming up on December 19th. I'll be going to that ultrasound alone too as my husband will be out of town.

My eyes were still really swollen Monday morning from all the crying that I did on Sunday.

The cat was not impressed by my blood test bandage or my bandaid over my acupuncture tack.)

Later on Monday, I went to the chiropractor to get another adjustment. My neck and back have been torturously stiff and it's taking some time for things to go back to where they should be and for my body to settle down (I was away from the chiropractor for 3 months while I had IVF and my ovaries were swollen to freak size and it was too dangerous for me to have adjustments).

Tuesday, I drove out to VGH hospital to see my perinatal psychiatrist. We reviewed my blood serum level of lithium and as it was below the therapeutic level, she raised my dose of lithium to the next dose up. Hopefully, this will help with my feelings of depression and anxiety. However, as she said, anyone experiencing the stress that I've been experiencing with the miscarriage, undergoing IVF, having family strife, and worrying about having another miscarriage, would be feeling like this, so she's not going to raise my medication level too much too fast because that won't help.

Hospital lighting is always awesome.

Wednesday, I had an appointment with my endocrinologist to review my thyroid levels and of course my weight. He is of the opinion that I should not gain a single pound during my pregnancy. I know that I was heavy to begin with when I became pregnant, but I don't think it's realistic to expect that I won't gain a single pound over the ENTIRE pregnancy. So far, I haven't gained a signed pound (in fact I'm down 0.2 pounds in the last almost 3.5 months) and I'm three months pregnant, but the second and third trimesters are usually a heavier weight gain time, so I feel anxious about what's going to happen. He says that my thyroid levels are currently perfect and there's no need to change my does of either liothyronine or levothyroxine. He will see me again in four weeks to review my levels again (after I have another blood test of course). He says that during my pregnancy there may be be times when we can go as long as six weeks without meeting, but likely it will be every four weeks for the entire pregnancy (who wouldn't want to be weighed by multiple people and scrutinized every month?). He says that my dose of thyroid medications may double during the pregnancy! I am lucky to have someone who is so competent and experienced with thyroids, because they make a big difference in pregnancy. The slightest level being off can lead to miscarriages (this risk ends at about 12 weeks) and brain damage (the child being born with a low normal IQ- this risk continues into later pregnancy).

It snowed Monday night and I admired the raccoon prints in our driveway.

It's unusual to have snow in Victoria or for it to stay for a few days.

Thursday, I went for acupuncture with Stephanie at Elements of Health Centre. She told me that after 12-13 weeks, the sessions usually go down from weekly to once a month. This is good news to me as my coverage ran out weeks ago and $85.00 a session is quite a lot to pay every week.

Before acupuncture.

With chest and head needles in at acupuncture.

Today, I had massage therapy in the morning to work on my neck and back and hips which are all very stiff and sore. My neck keeps spasming and my back is so tight, it's just exacerbating the problem. I'm feeling it all the way up into my right jaw.

As Christmas approaches, I feel increasingly gloomy. I'll get about a week with my husband around Christmas, which will be lovely, but I find that no matter where I go at this time of the year, I feel empty and sad. Perhaps it's true that once you have children you get to see Christmas through their eyes and it brings you a joy that you may have never had or may have lost, but right now I don't have a child to brighten my Christmas and all I can think about is Christmases past and how much I hate this time of the year. No matter how much my husband has tried to make Christmas a happy time of year for me (including proposing to me on Christmas day nine years ago), I just haven't been able to fully shake my past. Maybe if this pregnancy continues and I have a child next year, next Christmas I'll discover the joy of a holiday that's brought me so much pain over the years. I can only wait and hope. . . .