13 Weeks Pregnant from IVF- Spotting, Physical with Maternity Doctor, and Trying to Deal

Current mood . . .

My weekend consisted of trying to cram as many waking hours with my husband as possible and sleeping. Early Sunday morning, he left again and I fell into my usual morose Sunday state. Besides ruminating on the past and anxiously contemplating the future, I also watched some documentaries about people with worse problems than me and cried profusely. I made some chicken soup and it did not lift my mood.

Chicken soup for the shattered soul.

Monday, was an even darker day, as I stayed at home all day, exhausted, depressed, anxious, and tearful. I had had plans of leaving the house for a walk, but I just couldn't do it. Then, Monday night, after watching a celebrity overdose on drugs in a documentary, I discovered that I was spotting. My heart stopped (the entire pregnancy I have been checking every time I go to the bathroom, expecting that I'll be bleeding and that another miscarriage will be just around the corner, but this is the first time I have found anything this pregnancy).

I was certain that this was the beginning of my second miscarriage in six months. I frantically texted my sister, who had had some spotting in her pregnancy (before she went on to have my healthy and happy niece) and started to comb through various forums on pregnancy and several of the pregnancy books that my sister had lent me. I determined that since I did not have cramps or a lot of blood or blood that looked fresh (mine looked old), I could wait until the morning and then call my maternity doctor for advice. I would not have to go into emergency at the hospital and wait six hours to be seen (or more time perhaps- deplorable). My sister tried to calm me with encouraging messages about how she had had spotting (and more than me) but had gone on to have a healthy baby, but I did not sleep well (not that I have been sleeping well since I started the IVF journey).

All I could think was how is this happening to me again. What is with 2016?! Make this year from hell end.

Tuesday morning, my mind was surprisingly peaceful. I thought, well, if I have another miscarriage, I'll just die and then my tortured mind will be released from this prison of a body and my problems will be over (I just didn't see how I'd ever survive a second miscarriage at all, let alone six months after the first). It was then that it started to dawn on me that perhaps my low lithium levels had done more than I thought they had. I was clearly unstable and in a mixed episode (bipolar people can shift between various states including stable, depressed or low, manic or high, and mixed which is like an agitated depression). My husband had said last week that he thought I was in a mixed state, which I vigorously (and with much profanity) denied. But it seems that he's right. I have been depressed, very anxious, not sleeping well (but who knows if this is the pregnancy), having mood swings, and very irritable. Normally, I would treat this with a p.r.n. medication like Loxapine (which works really well for me, but not for some other people). However, though it is apparently safe in pregnancy, I'd like to see if the lithium levels rising since my dose was increased take care of this episode without the need for further drugs (it has some hideous side effects). I'm only just exiting the first trimester and I'd like to minimize the number of drugs I take if possible. Obviously, if things worsen though, I'll have to start taking Loxapine, so that I don't destabilize further and risk self harm, hospitalization in that hell hole of a psychiatric emergency ward (the psychiatric ward in the hospital is fine, but you usually have to languish in the emergency psychiatric ward for 4 day to 2 weeks or more to get into the hospital proper), or even death (bipolar people have a very high rate of suicide compared to the general population).

The cat channels my irritability well.

I called Dr. Down's office first thing on Tuesday morning and reported to his superb MOA that I had had some spotting the previous night. I didn't even have to ask her if I could come in that day (even though I had my physical examination with Dr. Down scheduled for the very next day). She immediately asked me how soon I could be there and told me to come down. Dr Down was very kind. He took out his handheld Doppler and found the fetal heartbeat. It was still there. He also examined my cervix and said that it felt normal and as it should during pregnancy. He questioned me over whether I had had further bleeding that morning (I had not) and if I had any cramping (I did not). He said that he thought that everything should be fine. He said that during pregnancy, the cervix is very sensitive and has such a blood supply that even the slightest bump (from an internal ultrasound for instance or sexual intercourse) can cause some bleeding, so likely either my ultrasound the week before or sex had done that and that I should not be concerned (hard to do when you've had a miscarriage only 6 months earlier). His MOA told me that I could always call her if I had any questions or needed to come in and she would always get me in. I was so grateful to both of them for being so kind and accommodating.

I had lunch with my sister that day and then babysat her child while she went to an appointment. Tuesday was my first time leaving the house since Friday. I returned home feeling relieved from my visit to the doctor, but also very worried. My husband, stuck on the other side of the country found the whole incident terrifying, especially because there was absolutely nothing that he could do and I was again having to go through this whole pregnancy experience alone.

Lots of fruits and vegetables. That's what I've been craving.

Wednesday, I had my physical examination with Dr. Down. As usual, whenever I show up at Dr. Down's office, I have to give a urine sample to his MOA and I get weighed (I was still down 0.2 pounds from when I started hormones for IVF on September 1st). Dr. Down didn't have to do a PAP test since I was up to date, but he did a swab, examined my cervix again to check it was still okay (it was), did a breast examination, listened to my heart and lungs, checked my blood pressure, and felt my thyroid. He also used the handheld Doppler to listen to the fetal heartbeat again. It was still there (I don't know why, but this always surprises me- I guess I'm just not over that miscarriage). He had less tests to do on me, because I already went through so many in the lead up to IVF with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Centre. Dr. Down said that he had absolutely no concerns for my pregnancy at that point. I asked him for a refill of my stomach pill (Omeprazole for acid reflux), which he gave me. I also asked him what I could use for my eczema, which is not responding to my regime of rosewater and coconut oil. He said I could get over the counter hydrocortisone cream 0.5% or 1% and for anything below my neck, I could use Betaderm (prescription). I really appreciate how thorough and knowledgeable Dr. Down is and how he takes his time and make sure that you have all of your questions answered. His MOA is wonderful too. She booked me in to see Dr. Down again in a month from then in January and told me that in between if I have ANY concerns at all to call and she would get me in if necessary.

At Dr. Down's office.

Ready for my physical examination.

Wednesday afternoon, I had a teeth cleaning and routine examination at my dentist's office. This proved to be uncomfortable as my gums were a bit inflamed (common in pregnancy from the hormone changes). The lovely hygienist told me to use warm salt water to swish around my mouth to help the gums settle down. I did this at the very beginning of the pregnancy and it really did help, so I've taken this up again. In any event, there were no problems with my teeth and I was told to come back in six months. I booked my appointment a bit earlier than that, as six months from now is around when I'm due (if I make it that far, I still feel far from certain).

Thursday evening, I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment. I'm not quite as locked up in the neck and back as I was last week, but still very tense, sore, and uncomfortable. Lying face down for a while with heat on my back and the electric stimulation machine on proved uncomfortable due to my still quite tender breasts. After the adjustment, I booked for next Thursday, before I leave for a week (I still feel anxious about travelling right now, but it's booked, so I just have to try to brave it I guess).

This week, I haven't felt as nauseous as I did the week before. I have had some feelings of nausea, some constipation, and some headaches, but mainly physically I have been feeling exhaustion and having trouble sleeping (hard to separate how much of this is the pregnancy and how much is the mixed episode). As mentioned above, my mood symptoms, anxiety and depression, have been more distressing than the physical symptoms. Hopefully, those will subside with time.

One can learn a lot from a cat, relish the sun when it's out, rest, nap, repeat.

I kept on intending this week to go and look for maternity bras in an attempt to ease into buying something for this pregnancy and to perhaps ease some of my shoulder, neck, and back pain. But I just haven't been able to do it. I keep on having the irrational fear that buying something for this pregnancy will jinx it and then I'll lose the pregnancy and own something that I don't need. Totally irrational, I know. But last pregnancy I bought a couple of things at Value Village for the pregnancy and then I miscarried a few days later, so I can see where my brain is making the connection.

As a note to those going through fertility treatments, I have actually found the largest amount of support, understanding, and commiseration has come through my use of the IVF.ca board for the Victoria Fertility Centre (there are many different boards for different clinics and on different websites for fertility treatments and infertility though), keeping a blog (some other women do this anonymously), and through Twitter and Instagram where I have shared my journey through diagnosis, miscarriage, and IVF. I didn't think that so many people would respond to my story online who don't even know me, but it seems that there are a lot of people silently struggling with infertility or who know someone who is. Their words of encouragement and comfort have meant a lot to me, especially when I have failed to hear what I needed to hear from those who I do know (unless you've been through infertility, it's impossible to understand the struggle and the feelings and therefore it's very difficult to say the "right" thing and some people don't want to talk about it at all because it makes them uncomfortable). For those people going through this is very difficult and painful journey, I encourage you to go and look at some of the boards or blogs where people have shared their experiences with infertility and fertility treatments. You might find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone, even though it might feel like you are, because you don't know anyone who is going through it or who has gone through this (or at least not anyone who's talking about it). The boards allow you to have an anonymous nickname if you want to contribute or you can just read what others are saying (I was skeptical about what I'd get out a board and I lurked for a while just reading but I entered into the fray and found that I actually did derive comfort from talking to other people on the board going through the same thing as me). Humanity is out there, even if it might not feel like it is after some of the things that people may have said to you while you're on this lonely journey. I have chosen not to go through this journey anonymously, because I believe that unless people start talking about this pervasive issue more, improvements to the lot of those suffering from infertility will not happen and people will be left to suffer the lonely "shame" of being broken and infertile (and insurance companies will continue to get away with denying people's legitimate claims for fertility drugs under their insurance plans like they did to us, not that we've given up yet). The more that people speak out about this growing and very hidden health issue, the more that can be done to improve the lot of those with infertility and perhaps future generations will not have to suffer so much stigma, shame, and loneliness (and as my fertility doctors says, perhaps more provinces will cover or contribute to fertility treatments, so that more people can afford to actually have them done).

My husband was supposed to make it back late Thursday night, about 10:30 PM. Then a series of serious delays from bad weather at various airports across Canada made it seem that he wouldn't even make it back that night and would have to return Friday (then leave early Sunday morning again). Then further delays made him catch the flight back to Victoria to arrive home at 3:00 AM (so a monstrously late night and a very long day for him).

This living apart for most of the time is very, very difficult, but especially so when I'm feeling unwell mentally and physically and I'm going through something that is scary and foreign, pregnancy after a very foreign and expensive lead up having IVF). I didn't sign up to go through pregnancy alone and it's really hard to have to go through this largely alone (we didn't know that he'd be commuting across the country for months on end when we were going through IVF). But at least he hasn't abandoned me altogether as some unfortunate women experience this with their cowardly bastard ex-partners who leave them in the lurch. I just wish that he was around more (and so does he), so that I had someone to talk to and share the experience with in person rather than via Google Hangouts. Every night, I text him a picture of a page from a day by day pregnancy book that we have, so he can read a little about where the fetus is at in its development, but it's just not the same as having him beside me in bed and reading the book out to him and looking at the pictures together (as we do in our very limited weekend time together).

I'm 13 weeks pregnant today and since there are 40 weeks in a lot of pregnancies, I have time yet to go. Hopefully, later in the pregnancy, I'll have my husband around more and I'll feel more secure and less like I'm alone on the moon.

The orange family has a cat just like us.