25 Weeks Pregnant: More Blood Tests, Acupuncture, Chiropractor, Packing for the Babymoon, and Another Year Wiser

Current mood . . .

On the weekend, my husband was only around for just over 24 hours before returning back east to work for the week. We went out on last minute errands for the trip we'll be leaving for tomorrow (our "babymoon" in French Polynesia- for more on that see my travel blog).

The cat is not happy about the prospect of us leaving.

I spent the rest of the weekend alone preparing for the babymoon and packing.

Monday, I was at the lab bright and early to have my kidney function and lithium levels tested. I talked to the MOA at my perinatal psychiatrist's office about whether or not I would be attending the scheduled appointment with her the next day. I was to check my lithium levels online and if they were at a therapeutic level then I was to cancel my appointment and come in after the trip. Annoyingly, though I was in at 8:00 AM for the tests, the results weren't posted until about 6:00 that evening, so I had to leave a message cancelling the appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist the next day as I found that my lithium levels were still within a therapeutic range and my kidney tests were normal.

At the lab again.

The next day I talked to the MOA at the perinatal psychiatrist's office to reschedule my appointment for mid April after I return from the trip. I will of course have my lithium levels and kidney function tests done ahead of that visit as I always do. My lithium levels though therapeutic now, may not be by the time another month has passed as they have been getting lower again (and I certainly don't want to destabilize while I'm pregnant).

I took some beautiful walks this week around Victoria.

On Wednesday, I had my monthly visit to the acupuncturist. This visit instead of being on my back or my stomach, I was situated on my side. I could choose which side and since there was a picture of a waterfall on one side and a picture of the creepy fleshless acupuncture man on the other side, I chose my right side so that I could look at the waterfall. My acupuncturist put needles into my head, ear, my back, my lower legs and left me for what turned out to be too long for my rapidly diminishing bladder space. After she rapidly removed my needles I practically ran to the washroom before I even paid.  I will return to see her in a month.

Me and the creepy fleshless acupuncture man . . .

Thursday, I was at the chiropractor for a final adjustment before the trip. I'm feeling tense in my mid back and somewhat sore in my low back. I will return to see him in a month.

Friday, I celebrated my birthday and being 25 weeks pregnant, with a beautiful walk in the morning and then my husband returning to town (sick with a cold) in the afternoon. I flew around the house making final preparations and packing for the Babymoon. This evening we're having dinner with friends at my favourite Japanese restaurant in town, Sen Zushi.

We are leaving tomorrow for three and half weeks. I'm nervous to travel because I've never travelled on a major trip pregnant before (only the short week that we spent up at my husband's parents' place and in Vancouver at Christmas), but returning to paradise, French Polynesia, should more than make up for my anxiety right now. I'm looking forward to enjoying time with my husband in a beautiful locale. This blog will be on hiatus until my return, so to see what I'm up to please visit my travel blog (www.tworestlesswanderers.blogspot.com).

25 weeks pregnant.

17 Weeks Pregnant, More Blood Tests, Perinatal Psychiatrist, Checkup with Maternity Doctor, Results of Genetic Screening Tests, Appointment for Next Ultrasound, Acupuncture, Chiropractor, and Contemplating Where to Live as Our Needs Change

Current mood . . .

Last Friday, near to midnight, my husband arrived home from his business trip and ran straight to the bathroom where he started vomiting violently. Apparently, after a strange tasting chicken dinner in business class that night on a flight, he had started vomiting on the airplane. He was sick with food poisoning and then the recuperation from being so violently ill the rest of the weekend. I was exhausted and still trying to recover from the horrible cold that I had come down with that week. So, we were a miserable pair that weekend. Our reunion after yet another week of separation was not what we had hoped for.

Monday, I was in the lab first thing in the morning for my appointment to have another blood test. I was having my lithium carbonate level tested, as well as my kidney function (this is important to do regularly when on lithium, as it hard on the kidneys).

Another blood test . . .

Tuesday, I drove out to the Victoria General Hospital to see my perinatal psychiatrist (the perinatal psychiatrists in Victoria all practice out of the Victoria General Hospital where the Child and Family Ambulatory Unit or CFAU is and where babies are born, as opposed to most other psychiatrists who practice in town either at private practises or at the old psychiatric hospital, Eric Martin Pavillion, and who do rounds at the Royal Jubilee Hospital in the new psychiatric ward there).

A beautiful morning to be at the hospital.

Parking lot selfie.

In the waiting room at the hospital.

The perinatal psychiatrist and I reviewed my lithium carbonate level. It was up from 0.5 mmol/L to 0.62 mmol/L in a month. This was good news, as my lithium level had been below therapeutic range last time it was measured and I was feeling very unwell in December. In response, my perinatal psychiatrist had raised my dose of lithium from 900 mg once per day to 1050 mg once per day. It was necessary to raise my dose, because my blood volume had been rising as my pregnancy progressed. Sometimes more than one dose change is necessary during pregnancy, due to both blood volume increase and weight increase. 0.52 mmol/L is considered in our lab’s measurements the lowest therapeutic level. When I was feeling stable in the autumn, my level was around 0.70 mmol/L, so perhaps I’ll feel even better if my level climbs a bit. Lithium level does take a while to rise in the blood. In fact, for those on lithium as a treatment, two years is considered to be a short time to be on this still little understood drug, which is still the leading treatment for bipolar disorder (though researchers still can’t figure out why it works on many bipolar patients but not others and why no better drug has been developed in all the decades since its introduction as a mainstream treatment).

The perinatal psychiatrist and I then discussed my kidney tests, which were all within the normal range. The perinatal psychiatrist said that kidney levels were even less likely to look out of normal ranges while a patient is pregnant, since her kidneys are working furiously, pumping everything through her body at such a high rate due to the pregnancy.

We then discussed what the plan was for around the time of the birth. She says that since it’s so hard to predict exactly when someone will go into labour, I should not stop taking my lithium until I actually go into labour (as opposed to on my due date). After I stop taking lithium and have given birth, the hospital will test my lithium level with a blood test in the hospital (bipolar patients tend to be held longer than patients without bipolar disorder after birth to ensure that they are stable before being released back home) and then she will decide what dose of lithium to start me on again (this could be a couple or a few days after the birth, so as to avoid toxicity since I will have been on a higher dose than I would need post pregnancy and I will lose so much fluid during the birth). I feel satisfied with this plan and reassured that she does not seem at all worried (this is a big change from the time when Kay Redfield Jamieson, the famous bipolar author and professor, was contemplating having children when her psychiatrist told her that she should NEVER have children given her disorder- she's a truly inspiring woman whose writings have brought me a lot of comfort since my diagnosis).

The psychiatrist recommended that I come back in to see her in about a month or perhaps even six weeks, after I have another blood test to check my lithium level again. I chose an appointment a month away to make sure that my lithium level stays in the therapeutic range and doesn’t fall below it again. I don’t need more of a challenge than being pregnant by having a mood episode that could render me in the psychiatric ward (I never, ever want to end up there again). As it is, while I am coping better than I was in December, my anxiety levels have been quite high lately and I've been waking from nightmares frequently with panic attacks. My sense of hopelessness and fear that I'll miscarry again have also continued to be a problem. I can't help but wonder if the reason why I haven't had an upswing in my energy level in the second trimester, as all the books seem to be saying that I should be, is because my lithium level is still sub-optimal and I'm just not feeling very well mentally (could also be the darkness and gloom of this time of year in the north too).

After my appointment on Tuesday, I went to the mall to continue my (frustrating) search for maternity-like clothes. I tried to find a pair of maternity jeans, so that I could wear something other than dresses and leggings with tunics. Unfortunately, there are limited fits in tall sizes and I was in between sizes (and they looked bizarre, were expensive, and seemed to not be that great quality) and the regular length maternity jeans were capri pants on me, so I left the maternity store empty handed. I wandered over to The Bay. I managed to find two bras that fit my larger bust well. I also found a pair of regular black cotton leggings in a larger size that fit and can replace my black leggings from Walmart which are now worn out and full of holes. This at least will keep me for a while, as I figure out what my next wardrobe related move will be. The maternity clothing marketplace seems expensive and not that great (sort of like regular clothes but uglier and made with cheap fabric). It seems I might just be in regular clothing in larger sizes for the rest of my pregnancy. 

Wednesday, I had an appointment with my maternity doctor in the morning. My husband is in town working for the next few weeks and he came to the appointment with me, so that he could meet Dr. Down and hear the results of our genetic screening tests. I gave my urine sample to the MOA and then proceeded to the room to be weighed. The scale showed that I had gain a bit more weight, but as the MOA said, I’m pregnant and I should be gaining weight (my endocrinologist is not of this view, but oh well, I can only do so much, since I am pregnant).

In the waiting room at the doctor's office.

Dr. Down said that he had just received my results back from the screening centre at the BC Children’s Hospital the day before. I had the two blood tests plus the nuchal fold ultrasound (the tests looked for raised risk of the fetus having chromosomal abnormalities like Spina bifida and Down Syndrome). He said that my results were excellent and did not show any flags that would indicate that I should have further testing like the paid Harmony screening blood test or amniocentesis (a relief as this carries its own set of risks).

Dr. Down looked at my sinuses to check if I was starting to get an infection. He said that my sinuses were inflamed, but so far not infected. I was to continue with saline, some Tylenol for pain and swelling, and I have been using non-drowsy antihistamines the last few days, Loratadine, which is also apparently fine in pregnancy.

Dr. Down took my blood pressure, which he declared perfect (no surprises there, sometimes nurses are alarmed by how low it is, so I wasn't expecting it to be high). I asked about pain in my pelvis and if it could be ligaments stretching out. He palpated my abdomen and said that it was most likely the ligaments stretching out, as my uterus was not painful when he palpated it. He then put the goo on my abdomen to listen to the fetus’ heartbeat. My husband looked on with amazement, as he heard the fetus’ heartbeat for the first time since our first ultrasound on his birthday in November, when we found out that we were pregnant and that the IVF had been successful (he has not been able to be at the subsequent ultrasounds and doctor's appointments as he's been away on business). Dr. Down said that everything seemed normal with the heartbeat around 150 bpm. He said that I should get my appointment soon for my developmental ultrasound (done between 18-20 weeks). When I see him in a month, I will find out the sex of the fetus (you can choose not to find out, but we are going to find out).

Car selfie . . .

When I arrived home, I found the appointment for the ultrasound (they are still sent by mail, very retro). My appointment is January 31st, when I will be 19.5 weeks pregnant. My husband thinks that he will be able to be there, which is great news because this is apparently the most interesting ultrasound that happens during pregnancy, when one can see the fetus in great detail (and where one can discover the sex of the fetus from their doctor in a visit after the ultrasound since the ultrasound tech cannot tell you).

Thursday, I went for my first acupuncture visit in a month (it’s monthly now, instead of weekly). As usual, she put needles in my lower legs to connect to fertility meridians. Since I’ve still had gastrointestinal symptoms like indigestion and some constipation, she put a needle in my very high stomach area. For anxiety, she put needles in my chest. She put a needle in the top of my head and one in the top of each ear.

Before acupuncture.

A needle in the top of my head and one in each ear and two in my chest.

When she returned to check on me, I asked if she could do something for my congested sinuses. She put needles on either side of my nose which she called “whiskers.” She also put a needle between my eyebrows. I will return for another round of acupuncture in a month.

From less head needles to many head needles.

Today, I’m 17 weeks pregnant. I simply cannot believe it. I still have trouble believing that I’m actually pregnant, let alone almost half way through (and so close to finding out what the sex of the thing is!).

17 weeks pregnant.

I went to the chiropractor today. My neck and back continue to be stiff (with some spasming), though less tense than the previous week. I will return for another adjustment in a week.

My husband and I have been discussing what to do with regard to our future and where we’re going to live. Unfortunately, the place we live is not big enough for a new addition to the family. In Victoria where we live, the vacancy rate for renting (0.5%) is even lower than crowded and overpriced Vancouver (0.7%) with very few places offered for rent and even less places that are not a crack shack or one step above a crack shack. If one does find a place that doesn’t look shocking, in a neighbourhood that one actually wants to live in, the prices for a small basic house with two or three bedrooms are thousands of dollars per month. If one wants to buy a house in Victoria, the numbers are even more grim (average house price is about $950,000 now in the core). We keep wondering if this is a good place to raise a family. When housing is so expensive and scarce, perhaps it’s time to look elsewhere.

Canada is suffering from housing problems coast to coast though, a result of years of low interest rates and other government policies designed to put off the inevitable correction that we should have had following the financial crash. The government is more interested in “growing”’ the “housing industry” in Canada (practically the only sector that is growing in Canada now) and rewarding dangerous levels of debt in taxpayers and penalizing savers. We just can’t see how a family can get ahead nowadays when they are spending 60-70% of their after tax income on housing (common figures on the west coast of Canada where places like Vancouver and Victoria have increasingly less units available while people continue to flock to the cities to live thereby ensuring that rents will continue to climb).

People have said that I should live somewhere near to some family who can/will help me when I have a baby, as I suffer from bipolar disorder and may have a need for extra support if I become unwell from my disorder or if my husband is away travelling for work and I don't have him turn to. That is not an option where we are and my husband could not do his job from where his parents live, so in-laws are not an option either. The other option is to hire people to help out. In Canada, this costs quite a lot, especially on top of high housing costs, food costs, etc.. My acupuncturist directed me to the Doulas of Victoria website, where one can find a list of doulas available for postpartum services. I didn’t know what that they did anything postpartum. She told me that they can do things like help with the baby while you take a nap, help with housework and laundry, and answer questions about childcare. She said “you know stuff a mother or sister would do.” I scoffed at this characterization of what family would do. I know I’m on my own. My acupuncturist told me that it is like paying for a nanny by the hour. It is an interesting idea, but it doesn’t solve our housing problem.

We remain unsure of what we should do, but with time ticking down, we have to decide soon what our next move should be.

Housing prices in Canada make us feel like this . . .

Continuing Prenatal Acupuncture, End of Prescription Hormones, First Visit with GP Specializing in Maternity, and Nine Weeks Pregnant

Current mood . . .

This week has been difficult. While I was initially thrilled after the ultrasound, my doubts about whether or not the fetus would survive resurfaced very quickly. I keep worrying about if I'll make it through the first trimester (I'm 3/4 through now), if I'll make it through the second trimester, if the baby will survive to birth, and then if it will survive after that. Having the miscarriage was very traumatizing and it's still fresh in my memory having only happened five month ago. Also, my husband has been away for work and the cat is not the greatest confidant for my fears.

The weather reflecting my mood.

I wondered if my oscillating moods that seemed to be going distinctly dark were due to the prescription hormones, the pregnancy, my dropping lithium level, the uncertainty and anxiety associated with pregnancy especially after fertility treatments and having a history of miscarriage, or a combination of all of the above. But my perinatal psychiatrist had clearly directed me not assess my mood until after I came off of the prescription hormones, because they were no doubt impacting my mood and making me more nauseous, so adding extra lithium while on them would likely make me intolerably nauseous.

The cat did not enjoy his bath, but he had a rash and was all itchy, so it had to be done (it was awful without a second person to help- the cat's like a 50 pound Coho in a river thrashing around as if his life depended upon it.)

I had my weekly acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. Stephanie at Elements of Health put needles into my lower legs, one in my very upper stomach, into my neck and shoulders for neck and shoulder tension I've been having, and several into my head. She again put a tack into each inner forearm for nausea. I put Band-Aids over these and still have both of them in. I can't tell if they do help my nausea or not, but I certainly don't want it to get any worse, so out of an abundance of caution, I'll take them thank you very much. My insurance coverage for acupuncture ran out a couple of sessions ago. All subsequent visits (after the first one) are $85.00 each. I keep wondering how long I should keep going for. I know that all paramedical professionals will try to get you to go indefinitely, but when does cost outweigh benefit? I'm just not sure and really don't want to risk losing this $15,000 plus pregnancy. A second miscarriage this year would destroy me. Plus the thought of going through even an abbreviated version of this, getting a frozen embryo transfer, does not appeal to me at all.

Before acupuncture on the table.

During acupuncture, note the needles in the head, in my neck and on my shoulders (some are hard to see).

After acupuncture.

Yesterday was my last day on prescription hormones. The dispensary at the Victoria Fertility Centre seems to have miscounted the Endometrin I required, because I was short one yesterday. My nurse coordinator assured me that missing the last Endometrin in the evening was okay, so I didn't have to drive all the way out there thankfully. My last Estrace was with dinner last night. It felt strange this morning not taking an Estrace with breakfast and inserting an Endometrin after my shower (not complaining, just saying it's a change of routine). I worry about whether or not the end of the hormones will cause my pregnancy to end. I know that some women are on them until 12 weeks, but other women have no prescription hormones at all and their pregnancies succeed, so I just have to stop worrying. It's not like there's anything I can do about it at this point. I've done everything I possibly could. But waiting and living with this uncertainty is agonizing. I have not noticed any withdrawal type symptoms, but it's tough to tell what is what when my body is constantly changing and topsy turvy from pregnancy. I'm just hoping that not having an extra helping of progesterone and estradiol will make me feel somewhat less awful.

The last Endometrin!

Almost three months of different hormones comes to an end. I will miss the effervescence though. Not!

Today, I am exactly nine weeks pregnant. According to sites that compare fetuses (yes the embryo apparently crossed over into fetus territory today) to fruit, the fetus is the size of a cherry this week. I'm feeling pretty nauseous, have a horrible headache as usual, and I'm totally exhausted today even after 10 hours of sleep.

I'm exhausted after ten hours of sleep. Am I becoming a cat?

Also today, I met with the GP who will be covering my pregnancy, Dr. Hugh Down (my own GP does not do maternity care). He was my sister's maternity doctor and she recommended him highly. I can see why now that I've met him. His MOA took a urine sample from me upon arriving (okay I gave it to her, she didn't take it with force or anything) to test for glucose levels, etc. and I gave her the chart materials that Dr. Hudson had given me to give to Dr. Down. Since Dr. Hudson had already done so many blood tests, that didn't seem to be required. The MOA took me into an exam room and weighed me before the doctor arrived.

The colours of the wall could only mean one thing, I'm in a doctor's office . . .

Dr. Down asked me standard questions about allergies, past surgeries, current medications and medical conditions, and discussed testing that could be done in the second trimester to determine genetic abnormalities (from the $500 test not covered by the public system that Dr. Hudson likes down to the less reliable publicly funded test). He let me ask the questions I had about whether or not I could do anything for my very sore throat other than gargle with salt and take the occasional Tylenol (better not to take any other medications since nothing is proven safe in pregnancy, especially in first trimester when everything is forming), if I could go back to the chiropractor (my neck and shoulders are so tense that my right jaw is hurting- he says as long as the chiropractor is not really rough and you let them know you're pregnant then it's fine)), and if it was true that my weight lifting would be limited to 15 pounds during pregnancy (it seems this is the case since I could be risking hernias etc., so I guess the 40 pound medicine ball will be lonely for a while). He took a lot of time with me and was very kind, funny, and knowledgeable (he even knew what pseudocholinesterase deficiency is which not all doctors do, so I was impressed). He says that he'll see me again in about one month.

The lilies in the bouquet that my parents in law gave me when they surprised us with a visit last weekend smell divine. I clipped the anthers off because lily pollen (and other parts of the lily as well)  is deadly to cats and  can cause kidney failure. Fortunately, this is one smell that I can tolerate in pregnancy.

My husband is back late tonight for one day before he leaves again, so he can spend time with me, the cat, and the cherry.

The cat is preparing for his father's return by practising his cutest poses.

Eve of My Seven Week Ultrasound

Current mood . . .

Today I am seven weeks and five days pregnant. I hope.

Tomorrow morning, my husband and I will be at the Victoria Fertility Centre for my seven week ultrasound. (it would have been sooner but was postponed a few days due to my husband's work schedule). I will be seven weeks and six days pregnant tomorrow if we are fortunate. If not, I will be shattered.

And the cat says "I can't take this smothering love anymore. Please save me."

There have not been any signs that something has gone awry. I haven't been bleeding (although 25% of women experience bleeding in early pregnancy), I have had pregnancy related symptoms, and I seem to keep expanding (though I have still not gained a single pound from when I started hormones for IVF on September 1st). I have been religiously taking my prescribed hormones, Estrace (estradiol) and Endometrin (progesterone), and abstaining from lifting anything heavy (including my big cat), or doing much activity. I have been eating well and resting as much as I can. I have been going to all of my doctor's appointments (including specialists- perinatal psychiatrist and endocrinologist for my thyroid) and getting all the associated blood work done (I was in the lab again this Monday). I have been going to acupuncture once a week to support the pregnancy (may help but the jury is still out as far as scientific literature is concerned, I figure it can't hurt). I have been trying to keep my stress level down (easier said than done- I keep worrying about the possibility of a second miscarriage in the same year and what I would do if that happened).

Being a rebel and taking a photo at the lab.

But there is really not much that one can do to prevent a miscarriage. They just happen as I found out earlier this year. I only hope that we'll get some good news for a change tomorrow at the ultrasound. It may be too early to hear a heartbeat, but from my reading on the internet, the blueberry sized fetus should be just visible if it exists (in other words if it's not just an empty sac).

One of my Amaryllises is re-blooming right now and putting on quite the show.

I hope I see the most beautiful sight tomorrow at the ultrasound.

For those of you wondering what is happening with our extended medical insurance claim for the prescription drugs that I had to take for IVF, they have still not paid us a cent. The policy said that they would cover 100% of the costs (my husband looked up each IVF drug and made a spreadsheet before I even signed up to get IVF and checked that each and every possible one that they could use in IVF was covered and they all were), we paid the premiums, and now they don't want to pay. My husband has been going back and forth with them to decrease the stress on me, but I feel really furious about this. I used to be a litigation lawyer and most of my cases involved one kind of insurance or another (I always represented the plaintiff) and I saw insurance companies rip off vulnerable people every day at my job (one of the only reasons I kept practising for so long, despite how much I didn't enjoy the career, was because I felt so angry about the insurance companies savaging honest policy holders). I figured that our insurance company would do this to us just based on my experience, but hoped that I would be wrong. Well, I wasn't. Now apparently the claim has been "escalated" just because we asked for the address of their legal department after their latest refusal to pay us. It remains to be seen if they will pay any of the thousands of dollars that they owe us (I think about $9,000.00) or if we will have to take further action. As if IVF isn't stressful enough, you don't need dishonest insurance companies refusing to pay for the drugs that they say they are going to cover and that you have counted on them covering.

I saw my perinatal psychiatrist out at Victoria General Hospital (all obstetric services are at this hospital in Victoria, it's quite the drive for me as it's outside of town) yesterday. She said that while my blood levels of lithium carbonate are rather lower than usual for me, they are still therapeutic and she is reluctant to raise my dose just yet because it will probably nauseate me even more than I'm already feeling nauseated. She says to wait until I'm off of the prescription hormones (9 weeks gestation, in a week and a half) and then see if my mood is still low (progesterone can cause depression). If it is, we can raise the dose, if not then I will repeat the blood tests in a month and see her in a month and she may raise my dose of lithium carbonate then. She says though that it is very understandable that I would feel kind of down and anxious given the difficult IVF process, my history of having a miscarriage and being afraid of another one, the pregnancy hormones themselves plus the prescription hormones on top of that, and all of the uncertainty.

I went to the acupuncturist today for my once weekly acupuncture appointment to support my pregnancy. Again, my bladder could not quite make it through the hour long appointment, so the needles had to come out. She put needles as usual in my lower legs, one in my upper stomach, two in my chest, and several in my head. She also put the tacks in my forearms for nausea. I haven't really been nauseous much since Friday and my one tack from last week stayed in my left forearm until Monday night when it started to feel irritated. I'm not sure if the tack helped or if my body is just moving on to other symptoms/side effects (and having a Band-Aid over the tack really helped cut down on irritation and made it stay in much longer).

Needles in my head and chest.

After I finished at acupuncture, I went for my appointment with my endocrinologist. As I mentioned above, I weighed myself this morning in preparation for the appointment since he weighs me every appointment. I was sure I had gain several pounds since my last appointment three weeks ago (everything seems tighter), but I had not even gained part of a pound. I was still exactly the same weight that I was at September 1st when I started the hormones for this first cycle of IVF. Ten and half weeks later, after taking copious hormones, being almost eight weeks pregnant, and I have not gained a pound. And yet, I normally can't maintain my weight when I'm not in this bizarre chemically engineered process of IVF. My weight is always up and down; it's very strange.

My endocrinologist reviewed my blood test results and pronounced that my thyroid levels are currently "perfection." My thyroid medications, levothyroxine and liothyronine will remain at the same dosage until my next follow up with him. I will repeat my lab tests before the next appointment which he said should be in about three weeks but definitely not more four weeks away. The office assistant found me a spot a little less than four weeks away (no easy feat in his very, very busy schedule).

When my endocrinologist weighed me and confirmed that I had not gained any weight, he said I didn't need to gain any weight at all in pregnancy (this sounds unrealistic to me, I know I'm overweight, but it still seems like it would be difficult if not impossible to do). He said that the metabolism increases during pregnancy and it takes an enormous amount of energy to create a baby plus with feeling under the weather I may be eating less, so, me not having gained weight makes sense to him.

My endocrinologist also said that I should choose an obstetrician, a GP who specializes in pregnancy, or a midwife at this point. He said that my GP (who works in the same office) and he had been discussing my pregnancy (I am happy that they work together so well and it's convenient having them in the same office- in fact I would not have a GP if it weren't for my endocrinologist who got me in with my very, very busy GP who was not really taking patients at the time). My endocrinologist said that since I have a thyroid disorder, I would qualify to be with an obstetrician right away instead of just a GP or midwife, but that that wasn't always the best option (he says they are often very focussed on just looking for what is wrong with you and if I need one later if I have complications, I can be referred to one immediately). So I told him I'd like to go with the GP that my sister used for her pregnancy and liked very much. He said he would send a referral letter to him.

I then returned home to take care of tasks around the house, write, and wait for my husband to return from over a week away on a business trip. I feel very grateful that he'll be at the ultrasound with me tomorrow, because I am feeling very nervous about it and it's always better not to be alone for something as momentous as this.

Lamont is definitely not excited about the prospect of any kind of a sibling.

But he was excited by my new heating pad when it arrived and he claimed it immediately.

Seven Weeks Pregnant- The Highs and The Lows

Current mood . . .

Today, I am seven weeks pregnant. It's been a very up and down week emotionally (and event the dizziness and nausea has been up and down with no predictability). Since it's been eight days since my last post, I thought I'd post an update.

Last Friday, when I woke up and found that I wasn't bleeding, I couldn't believe it. I was six weeks pregnant, the longest I have ever been pregnant (my miscarriage in June started on the day I was supposed to be six weeks pregnant). Relief flooded me. Yes, I was only halfway through the first trimester (when most, but not all miscarriages occur), but I was one step closer to actually having a baby.

Over the weekend though, my mood deteriorated. I became depressed and anxious again (the hormones are known to do this and I'm getting extra of progesterone and estradiol from taking Endometrin and Estrace by prescription). Then my mood dropped even more. I became darker than storm clouds gathering over an angry sea. I ruminated on the fact that there was nothing saying that I couldn't miscarry twice in the same year, this time at a later gestation point than before. I also knew that my husband would likely be leaving on another business trip in the upcoming week. I felt really, really bleak and alone. And the panic attacks came back to roost.

Weekend mood.

I have been feeling quite alone through this whole journey. Firstly, I don't personally know anyone who has ever had any fertility treatments, so I feel like an alien (the only person I've ever met- who's admitted to having fertility treatments at least- is my acupuncturist). Secondly, it's been a really bad year, which has completely shaken my confidence to the core (from signing up for IVF for the first time to a miscarriage to having to sign up for IVF a second time and actually go through IVF to having our claim for the prescription drugs required for IVF denied by our insurance company so far to family discord and friends who have abandoned me in my time of need). Thirdly, no matter how sympathetic anyone I know is, they still can't relate to what I'm going through, not even my darling husband, who is once removed from this whole pregnant/miscarriage/IVF/pregnant for the second time in a year thing (I mean that the trauma is happening to my body not his). Even well meaning family members who try to tell me what pregnancy was like for them, just don't get that I'm not going through a "normal" pregnancy, because I'm on bucket-loads of hormones on top of being pregnant, so it magnifies everything (more dizziness, headaches, mood swings, bloating, etc.), I'm worn down from being on a hormone rollercoaster for over two months, and that IVF does not result in a "normal" pregnancy experience for these reasons (plus who pays around $15,000 to get pregnant normally? Oh, and the insurance company denying almost two thirds of that cost, which are the prescription drugs that they promised to pay for under our insurance policy and now they suddenly have a problem with paying up- not that I'm surprised since I used to do plaintiff insurance litigation when I was a lawyer and I saw this time of bullshit all the time). Plus I'm going through this pregnancy right after the miscarriage that I suffered in June and the wounds are still fresh. I am really scared.

I have found some comfort in reading the "VFC 2016" thread of the IVF.ca boards and contributing to it is as well. This particular board is full of people from all over the west of Canada who attend the Victoria Fertility Centre for fertility treatments and share in each other's triumphs and tragedies. It's a very supportive place. IVF.ca has boards for different clinics and different categories as well, but I have only been reading and participating on the VFC 2016 thread. I am just grateful to find that I am not alone in having to go through this infertility journey. It seems a little less daunting when I remind myself that I'm not alone even if I feel it.

After a meltdown from Sunday into Monday morning, my mood leveled out pretty well again. My husband left Wednesday morning on a business trip and I went to acupuncture for my weekly treatment. For about one hour (we cut it short this last time because I had to pee so badly- another pregnancy/ prescription hormone side effect) I lie around on a table with needles sticking out of my head (about six this time), chest, upper stomach, and lower legs. She also put the tacks in my inner forearms again for nausea. I left those in, but one of them came out an hour later. The other one is still in (secured with a Band-Aid, so it doesn't move around and feel as irritating- I'm not sure if it's helping as I've been having some really nauseous days this week).

Ready to get poked full of needles again.

This morning, I kept expecting to find that I was bleeding. It seemed too good to be true that I am seven weeks pregnant. But no bleeding occurred, so maybe I am still pregnant. I still feel wretched, nauseous, dizzy, gastrointestinal distress, and very tender breasts, etc., all good signs in early pregnancy (and some of this is probably coming from the progesterone and estradiol I have to take until I am 9 weeks gestation, two weeks from now.)

I started my morning out with a blood test to track my level of lithium carbonate (I have an appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist on November 8th). The lab technician I had this time wouldn't let me take a picture of my blood test (I had already taken one of myself while I was waiting). She said it was preserve the confidentiality of other patients at the lab- I had never been told that before so I guess this blog is full of no no photos.

A photo at the lab which apparently a no no.

Had to take this photo in the car.

I then went to get a flu a shot at the public health clinic on Cook Street (the Victoria Fertility Centre recommended that I get a flu shot as I am pregnant- it can help protect me from getting a flu, which could give me a fever and consequently damage the fetus and it immunizes the baby, once it is born, for the season).

My left arm has a bandage now too! What a morning.

People are starting to talk about this baby like it's real and that scares me a lot. The last time people around me did that I lost the baby and then there was a gaping hole in my life and heart as I had let myself get attached and accustomed to the thought of being a mother. I am afraid to admit that this baby is real or to get attached. I am afraid of being hurt again. I'm trying to pretend that nothing is different, but of course this is impossible with my physical symptoms, my prescription medicine regime, the medical appointments and lab tests, and my pronounced mental cartwheels.

Serenity now . . .

Next week I have another blood test scheduled for Monday morning to take my thyroid levels. The next day I have an appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist to check in and review my lithium carbonate blood levels to see if my prescription needs to be changed. The day after, I see the endocrinologist to review my thyroid levels and review if my prescriptions for my thyroid need to be changed again.

Thursday, my husband (he gets back into town the night before) and I will be going to the Victoria Fertility Centre to have our ultrasound. I am so worried that things will not be all right and I don't know how I'll cope if they're not. I have barely survived this year thus far. I can't take anything else bad happening.

With luck, one week from now, I'll be eight weeks pregnant and I will have heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time the day before. If not . . . well, one day at a time . . .

One of my amaryllis bulbs is about to bloom again.