Here We Go Again

I have been dutifully tracking my cycle, taking a prenatal vitamin (that contains 1 mg folic acid), taking 4 mg extra folic acid per day, taking 600 mg Co-enzyme Q 10, and taking at least 2,000 IU per day of vitamin D (part of the advised course from the Victoria Fertility Centre) in addition to other vitamins that I take daily like fish oil (good for the brain) and eating healthy food. I have been exercising, getting plenty of sleepy, and trying to meditate. I have also been nervously counting down the days.

Today is day 18 of cycle, so like last time I was scheduled for IVF, I will be starting Estrace this evening (apparently it causes some people drowsiness, so I have decided to take them in the evening with another prescription). I take 4 mg of Estrace per day (two tablets) until my menses arrives again (day 1 of my next cycle). The length of normal cycle (usually 29 days) may be varied by taking Estrace. Estrace is a form of estrogen (estradiol). It is supposed to prepare the endometrium in the uterus to be of an adequate or optimum thickness for the blastocyst/embryo to be successfully implanted.

Such pretty tablets.

Day one of my next cycle, I will cease Estrace and I will call the Victoria Fertility Centre. The Victoria Fertility Centre will need to see me the next day on day 2 of my next cycle to give me blood tests for estradiol and progesterone, give me a pelvic ultrasound, and teach me how to inject myself with the other hormones that I will be taking day 2 through to the egg harvest (mid cycle to be determined by regular ultrasounds to see when the eggs are ready to harvest). I will be purchasing all of the (very expensive) hormones I'll need for up to and after the egg harvest at that point. Some will be injectable and some will be tablets (more on the hormones in a later post).

After the egg harvest/retrieval, the viable eggs will be fertilized in vitro and two to five days later, the best looking embryo will be transplanted into me, hoping that implantation will occur. If any embryos are left that look viable, they will be frozen to use in future cycles if the first embryo does not survive (50% chance of implantation/ 20-25% chance of miscarriage at my age- 36 years old). If there are any viable embryos frozen, a frozen embryo transplant as opposed to a fresh embryo transplant, can be done on the next cycle if pregnancy was not achieved, thereby avoiding the whole egg harvest and fertilization process being repeated until you run out of frozen embryos to use and then if you're still not pregnant, you start the whole process again.

I feel utterly overwhelmed by the whole process and everything that I am about to go through, but I know that I just have to take it one day at a time. That's all that I can do.

Meanwhile, there have been plenty of lectures from various sources about "staying positive." Believe me, I 'm trying, but I'm petrified of needles and I'm about to be hanging out with them 24/7 for a couple of weeks with the grand finale of having my eggs harvested with a giant needle sticking through my vaginal wall (and many people go through several cycles to try to get a baby, so this could be just the first of many attempts). Plus, as a former personal injury lawyer it's hard not freak out at the possible side effects of all of the hormones and the process in general (twisted fallopian tubes, loss of ovary, heart attacks, strokes, death, whatever). This is a very alien and artificial procedure and certainly not at all how my husband and I thought that we would be conceiving our first (or any) child (and there's no guarantee we'll even conceive one with IVF and what will that mean to my life and future?). No one who is giving these lectures has ever gone through this process so they have absolutely no idea what I'm going through. I don't even quite know what I'm going through, but I guess I'm about to find out.

My husband is trying to put on a brave face, but I know that he's nervous about this whole (very involved) process too. More than anything, he feels bad that it's me that has to go through pretty much everything and that his "contribution" is relatively painless and will be done while I'm impaled on a giant needle, high on fentanyl, having my eggs harvested. But biology can't be helped. Women are the ones that bear the brunt of the reproductive burden no matter how a child is conceived. And at least he is thinking about what I'll be going through, talking to me about it, and showing me lots of love. That's all that he can really do. He certainly can't shoulder this burden for me. He just doesn't have the right parts. This is a really trying time, but for us it's only brought us closer.

For now, I'm just trying to focus on my breathing and survive one day at a time.

Here goes nothing . . .