14 Weeks Pregnant: Nuchal Translucency (NT) Ultrasound, Rejection, and the Early Part of my Second Trimester

Current mood . . .

After my husband left first thing Sunday morning, my weekend turned from relaxing and happy, to glum, lonely, and grim. 

The cat didn't appreciate my smothering affection.

A bright amaryllis to counteract the winter gloom.

On Monday, with my bladder full to bursting, I waited in the ultrasound clinic for my Nuchal Translucency (NT) Ultrasound. The appointment form said to be there 25 minutes early and they were late starting, so I was in agony (a full bladder is required, as this is an external ultrasound, and a full bladder is required to put the uterus in the correct position for imaging the fetus) as the minutes ticked away.

While I was waiting, I was reviewing my emails when I discovered a couple of post updates from the VFC (Victoria Fertility Centre) thread on IVF.ca. In one post, the person said that they had been reading, but not contributing lately to the board, as they were waiting a while before trying fertility treatments again. Then they singled me out (by username) as a hurtful poster! What?! Apparently, the mere fact that I have blog and have shared the link on the board (because I thought it might be helpful or interesting to some people on an IVF board since I had had IVF and read other people's blogs when I was contemplating, in the lead up, and during my IVF treatments for information and support) and the fact that I have posted about my pregnancy from IVF is hurtful.

Now, I'm not the only one posting about pregnancy, spotting, and being afraid of suffering another miscarriage on this board. In fact, I've let my posts be guided by what I've seen from other users on there in the past (I was a reader of this board long before I started contributing on there). There are several posters who post regularly about their pregnancies and even posters who share photos of their babies who were conceived using IVF. Yet I was the ONLY poster who was targeted in this post. Then two people liked the troll's post. Then someone else posted a post agreeing with the troll's post.

What?! I couldn't believe it. Why was I the only one being called out and targeted? And why was I even being targeted to begin with? I never attached photos to my posts, I never told anyone that they had to visit my blog, and my posts were far from gloating that I was pregnant and that other people on the board were not. In fact, I discussed being fearful of joining any other boards like the due date ones, because I was afraid of jinxing this pregnancy (totally irrational I know), and suffering from a second miscarriage in the same year.

So much for finding a safe and supportive place to discuss the ups and downs of fertility treatments with like-minded individuals obtaining similar treatments at the same clinic in Canada. The board did not have any parameters like you were not allowed to post once you were pregnant or anything. I read posts before I started IVF where people had become pregnant from IVF and I felt encouraged. I thought, if it can work for them, then it could work for me too (and one needs encouragement when faced with the dire numbers given before one starts IVF, in my age range the chance of a live birth from IVF is 28%). I didn't think that these posters should shut the fuck up and quit gloating and go and hide in a cave somewhere, because they've been successful and I have not been yet. I thought the board was supposed to encourage people that they can have success with IVF (not everyone will, but some people will). This type of behaviour reminds me of all of the articles I read on mentoring and the progress of women trying to shatter the glass ceiling back when I was practising law. Many of these articles concluded that many women had excellent mentors in men, but couldn't find women to mentor them, and that if women didn't stop tearing each other down and hating each other for success, women would never be able to progress to the highest echelons of their chosen professions. It's a shame that some women feel the need to tear other women down.

Anyways, I went onto the board and wrote one final post "well, no one will ever see me or my blog on this board ever again. All the best to all of you and I hope that you support each other no matter what." This post then prompted several other posts from others saying that I wasn't asked to stop posting and also that there was a pregnancy group that I could join.

Well, to hell with it. I started this blog because I wanted to share my experience with obtaining IVF treatments and any possible outcome from them. There's nothing I hate more than being censored. I refuse to censor myself for anyone. This blog is my truth and if people have a problem with it, then they can just choose not to read it. Besides, I've had nothing but supportive and encouraging responses to my blog via comments posted on my blog, via email, on Twitter, and on Instagram. I have no idea what the hell is the matter with some of these board trolls. If you don't want to read about every possible outcome from IVF, then don't read an IVF board. It's simple.

I'll let Lamont give his excellent look of contempt. That's how I feel about this whole incident.

So, to anyone contemplating using online forums and boards for "support" during the very, very stressful time of receiving fertility treatments and if one is lucky, being pregnant as a result of them, I hope that you have a better experience than I did. I certainly don't need to be singled out unfairly and kicked when I'm already down by someone trolling behind a cloak of anonymity. Anyone who has gone to my blog knows exactly who I am. This is who I am. I don't need to hide behind some user name and abuse others online to feel better about myself.

My cat is a good role model. He doesn't let anything get him down for too long.

So, back to the ultrasound clinic. Feeling very upset and rejected (not that this isn't something that has happened to me my whole life and continues to happen even through what is supposed to be a "happy" time, pregnancy), I proceeded towards the ultrasound room with just the technician (my husband was across the country working again and couldn't make the ultrasound). She advised me to let some urine out right away, as it seemed that my bladder would be too full (I could barely walk). It was unpleasant having to gauge how much urine to let out and then just stop peeing.

The external ultrasound, though was more pleasant than an internal ultrasound in some ways. Just some warm goo on my abdomen and a wand being pressed against various areas of my abdomen until she found the uterus, getting to keep my clothes on (and just pull my leggings down a little), and not being violated by an ultrasound wand for the umpteenth time. The technician looked at the areas surrounding the uterus first to check how they looked before proceeding to find the fetus. She spent about ten minutes zooming into various areas of the fetus.

I held my breath. Was it dead? No, it was moving quite vigorously. It had a heartbeat (130 beats per minute at the time she measured it, but their heart rates fluctuate all the time just like ours). I don't know why I was surprised. I can't seem to grasp that this thing might actually make it. I just can't stop reliving that horrific miscarriage that I suffered six months ago. I know I need to get some counselling to help me process this fresh grief in my life, but I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed right now.

I asked her "so it's alive?" She said "well it certainly appears so." This was a relief to hear.

I tried to relax, but my bladder was uncomfortably full (still) and increasing in volume by the minute (they tell you to drink a litre of water an hour before the appointment and not go to the washroom after, which for me and my efficient kidneys is torture).

As she scanned over the fetus, she showed me the head, the torso with its clearly visible spinal bones and heart that I could actually see beating, the arms and hands, and the little legs and feet (crossed at one point). I couldn't believe the thing (as my husband and I have been calling it) had all those little parts in such detail already, even though it was only supposed to be the size of a peach. The technician measured it head to rump at one point and it was 11.6 cm, which is just over 4 inches. It's so much bigger than the last ultrasound I had. She took some other measurements too since the fetus was constantly moving around (it also measured 9.2 cm and 14.2 at other points, so who knows how big it actually is). The thing was 13.5 weeks when I had the ultrasound. 7.4 cm or 2.9 inches is the average crown to rump length at 13 weeks. 8.7 cm or 3.4 inches is the average crown to rump length at 14 weeks.

But the purpose of this ultrasound was actually to image the area at the nape of the neck and check how much fluid was pooling there (too much can indicate Down Syndrome). The fetus would not cooperate and the technician thought that maybe it couldn't get into a good position because my bladder was still too full. She told me to go and urinate again, but only partway again, because they still needed a partially full bladder to do the external ultrasound (the bladder holds the uterus in a good position for imaging when its full).

I went to the bathroom down the hall again. My bladder felt like it was going to burst. I let out about half of my urine as instructed. I was left feeling unsatisfied and still uncomfortable. I returned to the ultrasound room. The technician spent another ten minutes poking around with the wand until she finally had the shots of the neck area that she wanted. She said that my doctor would have the ultrasound report in a couple of days, but the actually diagnostic conclusion would not be reached until they had compiled the first blood test (done), this ultrasound (done), and my second blood test (I'll be doing that January 3rd). A little while after that, a report would be sent to Dr. Down about the risk factor of the fetus having some genetic abnormalities like Down Syndrome.

The technician handed me four photos that had she printed from the ultrasound (you're not allowed to use a cell phone at all in the examination room, so I couldn't take pictures or videos). I waddled out of the ultrasound room and back to the bathroom again where I could finally empty my bladder. What a relief.

Profile of the fetus hanging out in the uterus with a measurement crown to rump of 9.4 cm.

This picture has the measurement of the fetus as 11.6 cm.

The thing is waving for all to see.

A foot floating around in amniotic fluid.

My husband was very upset that he couldn't be at this ultrasound either. He teared up on Google Hangouts when I was describing the ultrasound and seeing the thing's heart beating and its various little body parts. I wished that I had more photos to share with him and that I could have taken a video of the heart beating (that was such a reassuring sight to me). The separation has been very difficult on us, because we're very close and used to spending a lot of time together, but particularly so, as we've been going through this stressful time of an early pregnancy, after IVF, and with a recent miscarriage to keep us terrified.

I've spent the rest of the week  running errands and cleaning the house to prepare for going to stay with my in-laws for Christmas (my husband will meet me up there on route from Halifax) and then we'll be going together to Vancouver for a couple of days before returning home. I feel absolutely exhausted from trying to get everything done before leaving. My sister has kindly agreed to take care of our place and the cat. But I'll definitely miss my little grouch.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out and turn out that light, lady. Some of us need 18 hours of sleep a day!

I didn't go to acupuncture this week. I'm going to leave it till early January (a month after last appointment, since I'm in second trimester). I went to the chiropractor for another adjustment this week. Normally I'd only go once a month, but I've been having trouble getting my neck and back to settle down after being away from the chiropractor for so many months and with all of the stress and changes from pregnancy. My neck and back are less sore than they were, but still quite stiff and sore.

Still haven't bought anything maternity related. I'll do it next week . .  . or maybe one day . . .

My biggest physical symptoms now are skin itchiness, some eczema (getting better now that I'm using hydrocortisone), some constipation and nausea (though less than before), frequent urination, some sleep problems, and exhaustion (this interferes with my day to day life the most, besides the anxiety and depression that I've been continuing to experience.) Physical symptoms though are strangely more pleasant and easier to deal with (for me at least) than mood ones, even if it's pain or nausea. Mood symptoms like anxiety and depression are bedeviling because there is often not a lot that one can do to help them and they can be far more distressing.

I actually made it out for a 5 km walk on Wednesday. I haven't been having much luck with feeling well enough or energetic enough to go for walks (or do anything) lately. I hope that this will change soon.

Should have brought a snack on my walk. Oh well, I found some carrot cake. I used to love carrot cake, but sweet stuff hasn't been nearly as appealing as it used to be for me while I've been pregnant. Strange.

I'm very nervous about travelling while pregnant (the books keep saying that now that I'm in the second trimester I should "feel great" and be peeing less and be "back to your old self" regarding energy, but so far that has not happened for me). I keep having horrifying thoughts of something happening to me while I'm away, an illness, a miscarriage, an accident, but I guess I just have to go for it or I'll be trapped in the house forever.

I am 14 weeks pregnant today (apparently the fetus is supposed to be the size of a lemon this week, though I don't know how that's progress from the size of a peach, at least it isn't with the produce that we receive in British Columbia where a peach is almost always larger than a lemon, but whatever, other charts say the thing is the size of a nectarine and that it was the size of Meyer lemon last week, so who knows). I'm travelling to meet my husband to spend Christmas with him and his family. Hopefully, as my lithium levels continue to climb on my new higher dose, I'll start to feel less anxious and depressed, but at Christmas this would seem like a miracle to me.

If only I could fly instead of having to take airplanes . . .